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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Please please can anyone help - what is the best way to deal with this?....

23 replies

Baffy · 04/02/2008 11:17

Ds is 2.5. He has recently (past week) started biting.

He does it when he's tired/frustrated. Now if he does it to me I obviously have the strength to hold him back and calm him down.

Yesterday he was playing with his cousin who is older (and taller). Cousin was holding toys up out of ds's reach. After say 20 seconds, ds unable to reach the toy, he just grabbed him and bit him (HARD) on his arm.

The bite marks were bad. I was totally at a loss as to what to do. I shouted at ds, removed him from the other children, explained what he'd done was very naughty. Showed him the bite mark, made him apologise to his cousin. Then got him to repeat back to me why he'd been naughty. His reply: "because I bit xxx and made him cry and only naughty boys bite". Hoorah I thought, result.

Half an hour later, similar situation, he bit him AGAIN!!!!!

At which point I took ds home (in tears myself not knowing what to do).

How do I cope with this? I can't leave him playing with other children knowing how badly he will hurt them if he bites.

But at 2.5 he's just not taking it in how naughty it is. He does listen. But then as soon as he's frustrated he does it again.

Any advice?

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Original poster

Baffy · 04/02/2008 11:27

anyone...

OP posts:

mummyTS · 04/02/2008 11:41

My mum used to say that you should bite them back to show them how much it hurts...

Not sure if that's the right thing to suggest these days though!

Hopefully someone else will be along with a better idea...

needahand · 04/02/2008 11:50

oh I am baffled my Post disappeared.

Right will try again.

Was just trying to explain that I think it is a normal stage for toddlers. I think you are doing the right thing in explaining what he has done wrong etc. Perhaps you could add 20 seconds on the naughty step?

Was also trying to explain that you should try to go to the route of the behavious:

eg: if it is because DS gets frustrated, explain that he needs to be patient, share or wait his turn

Also monitor other child/situation. Eg: if other child snatches the toy then off course DS is goint to fight back in the only way he knows. So get the other child to hand over the toy back (without too much fuss) and tell him to ask DS for permission.

Or is DS has to wait his turn, then make sure that after 3 or 5 minutes, DS actually get his turn.

Hopefully this should help him understand the situation better and not get so frustrated.

I hope this help but I really think it will pass anyway.

Personally I am not keen on the bite them so they know what it feels as it would be both unprovoked and unecessary and would confuse your DS

Original poster

Baffy · 04/02/2008 11:50

Thank you It's a thought... Am considering anything and everything at the moment!

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Niecie · 04/02/2008 11:50

Say 'no, we do not bite people', remove him from the scene and otherwise ignore him. Turn your back on him if you are at home and he doesn't need to be taken away from other children. They bite for effect and for attention so don't give them any.

I do know, I have been there. It is horrible and embarrassing. DS2 used to do this at about the same age. But it is a phase and it won't last.

Perhaps somebody should have a word with his cousin for winding him up too! They can't handle it very well at 2.5 yrs.

UniversallyChallenged · 04/02/2008 11:50

My ds2 (just turned 3)has started this too. I am just being very consistent and explaining in a stern voice what he has done, then sitting him on the naughty step for 3 mins, then he has to go and say sorry to whoever he hurt and - if it was a toy tussle- doesnt get the toy he was after unless the other child doesnt want it. He is getting the point - but it hs taken about a week of keeping to this every time, so about 10 times in all!

Original poster

Baffy · 04/02/2008 11:51

Thanks needahand, x-posted then, that's really useful

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Original poster

Baffy · 04/02/2008 11:54

thanks guys

Niecie I agree with what you said about his cousin too, they're only a year apart so he's young himself, but he does deliberately wind ds up because he's taller and knows he can hold things out of ds's reach. I will have a chat with his mum too.

I wanted to say that he shouldn't have been winding him up in the first place, but a massive bite mark on his arm meant I just didn't feel I had a leg to stand on!

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foxythesnowman · 04/02/2008 11:58

My DS1 was a biter - so much so I sought professional advice. I think it was a bit more random in our case, but FWIW this is what I was told to do:

Keep a diary on a sheet of paper of when, where, what he was doing before, what happened, how I reacted, what happened next. This helped me to rationalise my response and see that it wasn't happening ALL the time.

Also to spend 10 mins a day playing 1:1. Just playing, no TV on, no other children, just playing trains on the floor.

I was pg with DC3 at the time - has there been any changes to your lives?

It sounds like it is frustration in your case. How is his speech and communication? From your OP it sounds pretty good, and that he has an understanding of right and wrong. It will pass and it will stop, but I totally understand how distressing it is for you. Hope it passes quickly.

UniversallyChallenged · 04/02/2008 12:01

Baffy the person ds2 bites most is ds1 - a year older and taller just as you said with your ones cousin. Im not making excuses but it may be their little way of defending themselves, just they dont know how else to at their ages

mistlethrush · 04/02/2008 12:05

We had same with ds - then about 2.6 - got to nursery to find that he had bitten bf - and drawn blood . He had been given 'time out' at nursery for this - bf mother arrived just afterwards - I made sure that ds had appologised to bf and also to her. Normally ds has 'supper' when he gets home from nursery - on top of having tea at nursery - he went to bed with just having bread and butter that night because he had bitten bf - and he was told why he was having this (he had something so that he didn't go to bed hungry, and it was nice bread and butter, but it was given with him knowing that it was instead of 'supper' and 'pudding' so was definitely considered a punishment. I am glad to say that he hasn't bitten since (and quite often comes out with 'I haven't bitten x today' on the way home from nursery, I think just to make sure he gets supper!)

bubblepop · 04/02/2008 12:06

i think this is just a normal toddler stage (2 of mine did it). just keep on saying "no" when it happens in a much sterner voice than ususal and remove your child from the situation. eventually it passes

mom2latinoboys · 04/02/2008 12:21

My niece used to bite .. .well actually she only did it one time. My sister bit her back and she never bit anyone else again.

violetsky · 04/02/2008 12:29

My niece started to bite at 10 months old, there is not a lot you can do at that age, in fact she continued to bite for another 16 months. It was such a shame as at all the MT groups all the kids would run away from her. My sis was very vigilant about monitoring her and she was always removed from the seen and told that 'we do not bite'. It made no difference. Then a four yr old boy bit her back when she was 2. That worked. The boys mam was mortified, my sister was just pleased that dniece stopped biting.

Original poster

Baffy · 04/02/2008 13:35

UniversallyChallenged thank you - this cousin in particular used to pick on ds quite a bit when ds was tiny and couldn't stand up for himself. I think you're probably spot on!

Foxy - we've had major changes in our life (H and I splitting up, moving house) and ds is not only extremely clingy, but is also stuttering a bit. It's really annoying him but he sometimes just can't get his words out. Like he knows what he wants to say in his head but his mouth can't keep up. I think all of that is adding to his frustration. He understands everthing I say, he just gets annoyed with himself when he can't communicate back properly.
Thanks so much for your post, it really helped.

And thanks everyone else. mistlethrush your post made me
And it sounds like perhaps if someone does bite him back one day he'll get the message!

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mrsgboring · 04/02/2008 14:20

Another thing which might help is to go big on a positive instruction e.g. play GENTLY with your friends.

I don't think you can get away from saying "no biting" and things of that ilk, but the problem with it is, that it just makes the word "bite" go round and round in their head and tempt them to do it again (toddlers don't hear the word no very well, they just take everything as a positive instruction). I thought this was psychobabble when first told it but it really works and has worked for friends too.

Also, reoffending after 30 mins is completely normal. It's not straightforward defiance, it's that he's forgotten the instruction again (in the heat of the moment)

Original poster

Baffy · 04/02/2008 14:26

Thanks mrsgboring

I think you're right, he wasn't being deliberately defiant, the frustration just got to him again in the heat of the moment.

I probably forgot that he's still only 2 - in the heat of the moment!

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foxythesnowman · 04/02/2008 14:27

Does he go to nursery or pre-school? Just wondering what their approach would be. DSs nursery told him, firmly, "Dogs bite, children don't" he remembered it, and would repeat it.

fortyplus · 04/02/2008 14:32

Baffy - I wouldn't worry - loads of children go through a biting stage. It is hideously embarrassing for you as a parent, but by removing him from the situation then making him apologise you are doing exactly the right thing.

I think his cousin will also be learning a valuable lesson: he has exhibited bullying behaviour (no other word for it) and the smaller, weaker child has stood up to him and hurt him badly. Those bite marks will be a salutory reminder that bullying doesn't pay!

Original poster

Baffy · 04/02/2008 14:35

Thanks forty

Foxy, he doesn't go to nursery, his grandparents share looking after him. Have mentioned it to everyone though, so we all follow a consistent approach to him doing it.
Just wasn't sure what approach to take for the best!

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mistlethrush · 04/02/2008 15:28

I'd link it to something that means a lot to him (ie food in ds's case!) - I'm sure that made a big difference with ds!

Paddlechick666 · 04/02/2008 16:16

hi baffy

we've not had biting but there have been a lot of instances of snatching and "mine" at playgroup and CM.

my CM is brilliant tho and re-enforces good behaviour with lots of praise and bad behaviour means being removed from the group and given a toy to play with alone.

she's now very good at taking turns and responds to "gentle" type instructions etc.

tbh, i think it's perfectly normal and so is the stuttering for this age apparently.

i think consistent disapproval from you in a calm way will help. altho it's not a great response it does sound like the cousin provoked him to be fair!

i know your parents/pil look after ds but do they take him to any group activities? a regular playgroup is a great way to help ds learn to socialise and how to deal with older, bigger kids being mean.

one of my CM's friends' mindees is dd's best friend but she's 1 year older and takes absolutely none of dd's drama and deals with her really well.

perhaps the cousins' mum can speak to him and ask him to behave more nicely too? could be a bit sensitive trying to broach the subject tho!

fwiw, don't let it get to you. things are tough enough for you right now and something like this can get blown out of proportion. ds is a good kid, he's just learning how to socialise.

big hugs mate

Original poster

Baffy · 04/02/2008 16:20

thank you

my mum takes him to a kids club at the library and to the park where she encourages him to play, and hopefully after easter they're going to a playgroup too. I think you're right that this will help. As long as my mum keeps a close eye on him ready to pull him away the minute his mouth opens!

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