At wits end with DD5 fussy eating

[NotMyDayJob]

Not sure if this is the right topic but here goes.

DD5 is getting incredibly fussy with eating. Will eat things like pasta bolognese, cheesy pasta, chicken nuggets, fish and chips etc. Won't eat pizza, won't eat most veg, won't eat anything 'different'. Rarely eats sandwiches, will eat cereal but not much.

She seems fixated on 'snacks' chocolate and unhealthy food. Every meal time revolves around what she can have for pudding. The main issue however is whatever I give her (ie even if it's something she's happy with) she eats so little that it's starting to be noticeable that DD 9 months is eating more. Every meal time has become a constant negotiation of trying to get her to eat a bit more so it's not an entire meal put in the bin (and I'm trying to be really conservative with portion sizes so it's not too much on the plate to start with).

I'm starting to get extremely fed up with thinking of meals for a family and her hardly eating anything. I know me being stressed out about it is making things worse but I'm starting to get so enraged about her fussy eating habits that I dread every meal time. I'd love to cook some different things particularly as DD 9 months is at that easier will eat nearly anything stage but I just don't bother so she ends up eating crap too. It's difficult for us to eat as a family due to DHs working hours but I think we're now avoiding it as anything we would like to eat (and I'm not talking about anything majorly exotic, just like salmon or fajitas or something) she just wouldn't touch. dH says I need a break to get some perspective but realistically no one else is going to feed her and when they do they often make it worked (ag DGM made her tuna pasta the other day but used tuna in brine so she wouldn't eat it, understandably, and now she says she won't eat it any more).

Any advice and suggestions on changes I could make?

What happens if you offer just fruit for snacks and don't encourage her to eat?

If I put my foot down about fruit she will take it, although mixed on how much she eats. If I just let her eat what she wanted (in terms of amount) she'd have two, maybe three mouthfuls. If its something she will eat. If it's something she doesn't want (which could be something new as opposed to something she actively dislikes) she'd have a tiny nibble and not eat any more

Unless you have concerns that she's not growing properly or is underweight, I'd try backing right off. Cook what you want to cook, but make sure there's one thing she likes at every meal (even if it's a very random 'side dish'). She gets pudding whenever you would normally have it regardless of what she's eaten or not eaten (but critically, pudding should be small enough that it won't fill her up if she hasn't eaten a decent main). Then don't praise, nag, persuade her to eat, etc. – talk about absolutely anything but the food, beyond the occasional natural comment that something is particularly good, or baby's got tomato sauce in her ear, or whatever. The idea is to take any stress or power struggle out of it. Pretend you're not bothered about what or how much she's eating.

If she doesn't eat enough, she'll be hungry later. We tend to offer a choice of either leftovers reheated or toast with butter (which my DD doesn't mind, but would rarely choose, so it's only a good offer if she's genuinely hungry). Others would let the DC wait until the next meal.