school playground situations

[missdilema]

My dd who is just 5 started school in sept and so far seems to be settling in ok although we have had some days when there has been tears just before she goes in where she's had to be ripped off me.Mostly she goes in quite happily.In the evening when we have a chat she will sometimes say that so and so upset her today and said they were'nt her friend anymore.Then another day her friend will say she can't play with her.So i said to her don't worry,she'll be your friend tommorrow some people are just like that.Then about the other one I say,just don't ask if you can play with her just start playing with her.Is this a girl thing,it didn't seem to happen with my son? What do you say to yours when it happens.Do you think it's ok to just kind of shrug it off like I do. certainly don't feel like it inside,it ripps me up when she says people are saying that kind of thing.I just don't want her to worry.She is kind of sensitive unfortunately.

[Jaybee]

missdilema - I do think it is a girl thing - they seem more sensitive to this sort of thing than boys - ds would just run off and play with someone else, dd however often says this sort of thing usually about one particular child (who happens to be a child of a teacher in the school). DD did initially get quite upset but I think I have now convinced her that by not playing with her, this other child is the one who is losing out and not dd. I have done this by saying things like 'Oh that is a shame for xxxx, by saying these things she couldn't play with you' and 'if xxxxx keeps saying nasty things like that to you, you won't want to be her friend anyway - why don't you play with xxxx2 instead'. Could you not try and encourage other friends by inviting other kids round for a play after school or something?

[missdilema]

Hmm yes I think you're right if they hapen to be the same person saying it all the time.She is good in that she will play with different children and not rely on the one or two.

[Jaybee]

Is does seem that little girls can be little bit*s, and even though it does seem to be mainly one child that plays up dd - there does seem to be others too - I think all you can do is encourage your dd to have a wide circle of friends and to not to do it to others.

[threeangels]

Honestly missdilemma - I remember saying that myself when I was a little girl and others saying it to me.Especially when I wanted my friend to do something they didnt want to do (playing that is). I do agree it is a girl thing and just one of those natural normal lines a child says. I dont think they mean it though. One minute they say that your not their friend then the next their playing with you.

I understand it makes you feel awful for your child. Especially when they are sensitve. It just makes it even worse. I would encourage her to make friends with other children in the class. Hope things get better for your dd.

[lou33]

My daughter is exactly the same missdilemma, and we pretty much deal with it in the same way you do. Some children take a bit longer to find a friend that suits them I think, but given a bit of time they usually do. DD2 managed this even though she had to be moved to a new school when we moved out of the area, and came to a class full of strangers. Good luck.

[janh]

I wish it was just girls...some boys do it too. It's a bit of a power thing and some kids, of both sexes, are very good at spotting who they can do it to - ie the more sensitive ones.

Jaybee, I like the line you take - "poor xxx, it's their loss"! It's true too. Being top dog won't be so easy when they're older and what will they do then?

missdilemma, and Jaybee, go on encouraging your daughters to recognise their own value and not to worry when others try to put them down!

[password]

i agree with janh you are handling it the right way, i encouraged my daughter to play with different children it was getting to the stage where i was past being sympathetic to the other girl " oh she has such a hard life becuase blah blah" and enccouraging my daughter to be the "bigger person" it ended up i was getting really upset for DD and wanted to punch a nine year old girl for making her life so miserable. finding new friends was the answer

[SueW]

I agree about inviting the children round after school if possible. Last night we sat down, coincidentally, and made a list of all the children from DD's class who hadn't yet been for a play at our place. There are some interesting surprises too - the children that are a PITA when they're at a party are just lovely when they're on their own!

DD was telling me about a game they play in their playground called Crocodile (it sounds like a 'dob' or 'It' game, TBH). She said sometimes other children come up and ask to play, 'and I just say course you can, you don't have to ask,' she finished. But she's never gone in for the concept of 'best friend' and school doesn't encourage it.

They also have a 'Friendship Stop' in the playground where a child can go and stand if they don't have anyone to play with. Then another child will either go up off their own bat and offer them the chance to join in or a supervisor will help them to find a game to join in with.

[ScummyMummy]

Love the idea of a Friendship Stop, SueW. Sounds like a lovely school.

[aloha]

I do think this is very normal behaviour - and nothing new, it sounds familiar from my own playground days, when dinosaurs roamed the earth. Some parenting experts suggest that instead of saying 'don't worry' or suggesting solutions, it can be helpful reflect the child's emotions back at them so they know they are being heard eg 'Oh, I'm sorry that happened. It must have been upsetting/that made you feel left out/sad, I expect'. Let her talk about her worries and fears and then encourage her to find her own solutions eg 'What do you think you will do tomorrow/can you think of anything that would help?" And she can't think of anything, you could say, 'Do you want me to make some suggestions?' and then ask your dd to add some of her own. It's all bit psycho-speak, but I thought it was an interesting approach. I know I hate having my worries dismissed by dh and I think I tend to do it with my stepdaughter, and don't think it's particularly helpful. I think partly I panic a bit because I don't want anyone in my family to be hurt or upset so tend to back away from the emotion, if that makes any sense.

[missdilema]

Ooh yes,a bit of psycho babble I love that I will try it good idea.Thanks you guys.
Funnily enough last night she said she was fed up with certain friend following her around all the time wanting to play with her and so she doesn't want to play with her anymore.I just give up,she's doing it now.This was the little friend who is her so called favourite who she was upset about the other day when she said dd couldn't join in on her game.So we had a bit of a chat about it and I said her friend likes her and she could still play with others but to include her little friend in the games with everyone as well.All I got was a bit sigh lol.Hey aren't I still having problems with friends too at MY age???And in the playground???..???

[aloha]

Girls, eh?

[SoupDragon]

Boys do it too. DS1 (3 1/2) has an invite to a boy's 4th birthday party. I asked if this boy was his friend to which DS replied "No, because he said he'd knock me up" (I think he meant down! ) so I asked if he wanted to go to his party, to which DS1 replied "Yes, I just won't play with him there". He certainly used to be friends with this boy but now seems to have swapped him for a girl he claimed wasn't his friend a few months ago.

I've given up trying to keep track of it all.

[janh]

DS2's school has a Friendship Bench where they're supposed to go if they're feeling left out/bullied/lonely. When he tried it it didn't work - nobody came to see what was up.