struggling with 6 y/o

[Bombybomby]

Hi mum's .

Our 6 (nearly 7) yo DS is really challenging and has been since he started school (he's now in year 2).

Some periods are better than others and thing calm down but other times his behaviour at home is so disruptive its making it really difficult to enjoy family life. We deal with frequent outbursts- main triggers tend to be turning off tv, change to plans, getting ready for school. He goes from 0-6, screaming, shouting, hitting. He's fine and lovelying at school.

We are clear that the behaviour is unacceptable and try to set limits although I think in the past we haven't been consistent enough in always following through and applying the same consequence every time. We're working on that now. We try to do some emotional coaching, talking to him about what he will do differently next time, what he's feeling, have feelings journals and that kind of thing.

It's just so draining. I'm also feeling really rubbish because I think the cause of a lot of this is that I didn't teach him to self soothe or self regulate when he was little. I was so focused on him not feeling abandoned and feeling heard (because of my own traumatic background) that I totally over did it and now here we are.

I've made an appointment with the school link tutor but my OH and I are struggling with what to do for the best and it's very difficult with also feeling bad about mistakes that have led us here.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a way through? Did things improve?

My DS is 7. He was a very easy baby and toddler but has been trickier since being a preschooler. He doesn’t react the same as your DS in that he doesn’t hit/kick etc, and it’s not always shouting, but he does react badly to the things you’ve described - turning Tv off, being asked to do something like get dressed, it’s pretty much a reaction to anything he doesn’t want to do that’s not a quick job (he is fine for example if you just ask him to pick something up off the floor or put his plate by the sink as it takes seconds!).

The difference is he is like it at school. Maybe to a lesser extent, but he’s very outspoken if he is asked to do a less fun task when another group is on the iPads for example, or if he loses at a game in PE, he really complains, and goes on about it a bit. I’ve met with his teacher and she’s said that his emotional reactions like this aren’t in line with his peers, so I know it’s not really common.

We are exploring ASD and ADHD for DS, the emotional regulation seems to be a factor in both conditions. Is this something you think could be possible for your DS?

My DD is like this. We are awaiting assessment for ASD but have had some success with ELSA sessions at school exploring zones of regulation ( which we now use at home too) and lots of warning around transitions.

Did you have to pay for the sessions @Jules912 ? Sounds helpful.

No, it's something the school offered but that may be because she was showing this behaviour at school too.

Thanks for the replies. Have been looking ASD and ADHD and some aspects do chime but my instinct is its probably not one of those. Possibly generalised anxiety. I did ask school about ELSA but they said they wouldn't refer him because he's not showing any signs of needing it at school. Weve been trying to do a lot of emotional coaching and 'catching ' him being good which does seem to help but it requires quite an intense level of intervention. @Jules912 have you found your interventions have become less over time or not?

I think we've got better at spotting the triggers so less meltdowns ( though still a long way off none).

Oh wow… I could have written it myself about my son. Even my background and how I patented him in early years. I’m just trying to keep my cool RN and it’s really hard, so I feel you OP!

I spoke to a psychologist about my DS and she said although there are some distant thunders of OCD and ASD there’s no basis to give him such label. What I found helpful is that because he doesn’t struggle at school (he’s teachers pet at school, they love him!) I should parent him as I would a son with ASD with PDA. Because my kiddo does sound like he’s got PDA (pathological demand avoidance) but not to the extreme. In the end of the day, you don’t need a label to employ some techniques. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that it’s working and it’s easier on my brain … as instead of blaming him or myself I just tell myself “he needs some extra help right now”. Good luck to you OP!

@Bombybomby I’m going through this with DS at the moment too. Did you use any particular strategies that helped? Did you end up seeking a diagnosis or has he mostly grown out of this behaviour now? X

@poppet131it you might get some replies if you start your own thread and give the age of your DC and what it is particularly that you’re struggling with

@poppet131 it was a mix to honest. Our school had a home-school link tutor who we spoke to. She was lovely, not at all judges, and helped us be a bit more consistent with discipline (basically following the same strategies as school). But also yes, he largely grew out of it over then next year or so. He does clearly get very anxious in certain situations so we've also got better at recognising that and so got better at being ready and being able to deal with it.
I think 5-7 was quite a tricky age for lots of parents of boys who I knew, to varying degrees.
Hang in there, I'm sure it will get better but I'd definitely recommend getting outside support if it's available, I think if nothing else it helped me and DH feel more like we had a plan and weren't just under seige all the time and it did help us turn a corner.