DS1 was assaulted by child at school and now awful at home - advice needed

[Ladymai]

DS1 was viciously assaulted at pre-school by a child who was supposed to be his friend. There is no physical damage but his attitude towards us and his younger brother has changed badly, and today he clumped a child at school, unprovoked, and got scratched back in the face, along with attacking DS2 alot today.

I totally understand where he is coming from, he's been let down by a pal and now he's confused as to what is right and wrong, but I am already tired of using the timeout chair (which I hate anyway)and being the constant mediator between him and brother. DS1 is 3 and DS2 13mths. I just don't want DS2 killed while he gets over this and I don't want to fall out with DS1!. Now, when DS1 doesn't get what he wants he goes into meltdown and bites himself out of sheer frustration and its awful to watch. I know about pushing the boundaries etc but this is different, he's never been this bad.

Any suggestions on how to get him over this would be gratefully received

My suggestion would be to be firm, consistant and keep it business as usual. He's 3. Things like this happen. Try not to read so much into this and build it into some huge event. Toddlers lash out at each other and can be vile, that's normal behaviour for them!

When you see that he is building up to something, try to distract him so that it never happens. And when he is not tantruming, those are the times you shower him with attention. But for actual tantrums, best thing is to make sure he's physically safe, but ignore him. Withdraw all attention when he tantrums. Let him bite himself, he'll soon learn it's not worth the pain. Pick up the other child and walk away.

And I think that perhaps changing your perception of what happened from a viscious assault that left no physical damage..into..a toddler lashing out at your poor lad because toddlers do that, might help you to deal with your son.

'Viciously assaulted ' when I read that I though Ds wa a teenager !

Agree with Hecate I thibk you need to tone down the event otherwise you may pass your 'anxiety' etc to your child and make oit out to be something more that it is.

Sorry to have to say that but I think you may be the one who needs to have to dela with the event more than him

What do you mean by a 'vicious assault'?
Do you know for definite that his behaviour has changed because of this?
Are you certain that it wasn't your ds behaviour that caused his friend to 'assault' him in retaliation?

If you are absolutely certain about everything then I would take him out of the pre-school for a while until I was happy that his behaviour was back to normal.

A parent witnessed the assault and told me that DS1 was cowering shaking and crying in fear at what the other child was going to do and then was whacked around the head three times with a toy.

DS1 has never hit anyone at the pre school until now, and it seems that the other child who bashed him is the ring leader at the moment and is nasty to a lot of the other children.

I havent treated DS1 any differently to before the incident, I'm just concerned that he learnt a hard lesson in life and I need to know how I can help him through it. I've dealt with the event, Captain, now I need help to deal with him. The fact that he was quiet and subdued on the day it happened and now is really mad tells me he's having a hard time dealing with it, not me!
All I wanted when I posted on here was a bit of advice and support, not to be told its me with the issue!

In that case, I think I would take him out for a while (as I said earlier) at least until you felt that he had recovered.

Thanks juuule, I'm going to keep an eye on him over the weekend, he doesn't go back til Tues anyway, see how he is Tues then if things are still bad take him out till after half term.

If the parent saw this 'attack'and saw your sone cowering in fear why didn't she intervene or at least get a member of staff ter before it got worse ?

I would be speaking to the staff aswell to find out exactly what happened and to voice your concerns about this 3 yr old ring leader .

Staff need to know whether another child is in fear of another child so it can be dealt with or at least be kept an eye on .

Unfortunately at this age children do have unwanted behaviour which involves hitting children , sometimes with toys , this has to be dealt with by the staff.

As other have said take him out for a while and give him some one to one reassurance .

i gave my opinion , unfortunately that is what happens on Mumsnet and I did say soryy before I said it ..

Captainunderpants, I know waht you said but the way it was said was how the hell can a 3yo be attacked at school, too young! Well he was.

The parent did get a member of staff to do something, she was busy signing her child in at the time and said it all happened so quickly.

Innocent hitting I'm fine with as too the sorting of their problems between them but not at the expense of damaging a child's mental wellbeing and totally confusing him as to what is right and wrong.

The other childs behaviour has come into question a number of times and Ofsted have now been informed as I made a formal complaint.

I'm actually not a big fan of using mumsnet as I find it very clicky (?spelling) but came on here last night for a bit of support and advice, not to be told I was the one with the problem dealing with the incident.

You made a formal complaint to Ofsted about your three year old child being hit by another three year old child at nursery?

Are you mad?

Kids (boys) this age hit each other all the time. That's what they do. You must know that.

Why did you put your kid in a nursery in the the first place?

Think you've oversimplified things, Bobbysmum.
If the nursery doesn't appear to be doing anything, then why not inform Ofsted?
While it might be normal for some children to hit each other (and not just boys) it's not right for the nursery to stand back and do nothing.

Did the nursery deal with the child in question? If so, then you really don't have the grounds to complain to OFSTED.

All nurseries have policies on how they deal with the children in their care and if you don't agree with them, you should think about changing.

I think folk are just trying to point out that a 3 year old is not capable of a "viscious assault" purely because they don't know what one is.

They will lash out, scream, cry, whatever, because at that age although they understand what they're feeling, they can't communicate it to others.

Hecate has given you some good advice as to how to deal with your ds' behaviour at home. Think I will be following this too.

I have a dd (age 3) and another (16 months) and they "fight" all the time - unfortunately it is normal, albeit unpleasant.

How come when your child is hit it is a 'viscious assult' but when your child hits someone else it is an unprovoked clump.

my two boys are 18 months apart and have some scraps between them. It will happen to you...thats what boys do.

Saying that I wouldaks the nursery to keep the kids apart for a while but don't stop sending your son, You may be making a rod for your own back doing that.

I would be firm at home and tell him X was in the wrong and has been punished. Try to divert attention and make him feel special through getting him to help you and doing odd jobs for you. Mine fight to do the dishes....long may it continue

"Vicious assault" sounds like an overreaction to me. Sorry if you think that is cliquey.

Ladymai , I think your use of the term 'viciously assaulted ' was a bit OTT. Of course a child of that age can be 'attacked ' at school but you have to remeber that the children are 3 !

If you want to see what a vicious attack is then stand outside any nightclub at 2am and I am sure you will see one.

You have to remeber that the staff cannot really discuss anything with you about the other child . What is it that you would like them to do that they may not have done already ?

People are entitled to express opinion here and so are you , if they do not agree with you and you think it is 'cliquey' then so be it .

When you say viciously assaulted, it makes me think of gangs & knives etc...

Why is the other boy a bully, yet when your child hits his brother he isn't a bully?

These things happen all the time unfortunately.

Assault is an irregular verb

My child accidentally goes to far
Your child has issues which need resolving
Her child assaulted mine

Assault implies a conscious decision to attack doesn't it? Are children of 3 capable of that?

Worth asking the pre-school about its monitoring of the children but assault? OTT

It's horrible to see or hear about your child being hurt or scared and it is quite feasable (sp?) that he is a bit up and down after the incident. However, this is unlikely to be the last time he is hit or that he hits. It's about growing and learning boundries. I am sorry but your description of the event is bound to get picked up on as it is a tad melodramatic. I hope your son feels happier at nursery soon.

viciously assaulted .. oh c'mon

MB is right