What does this sound like to you?

[squinny101]

I have a DD (age 2.5). Since she has been about nine months old I have had a niggling feeling that something is not quite right with her.

From this age until she was about one she would head bang and get into a furious rage. THis has now stopped but her behaviour I feel is a little more than a terrible two. I have asked the health visitor on several occasions but they just tell me its developmental.

This is just a rough outline of her behaviour.

1. She is obsessed with tiny things. At the moment she thinks she is a cat. It sounds funny but this has now been going on for about three months and she miaow's when people talk to her.
2. She lets out a really really high pitched scream when she does nto get her own way. Her tantrums are unbelievable and she attacks her brother.
3. She falls over constnatly and she is always charging round like a bull in a china shop.
4. She refuses to make eye contact with you when you talk to her.

When its just the two of us she is absolutel fine, the mintue we get to the school to collect her brother she starts showing off, running away, throwing tantrums etc.

She is at pre-school and has settled in nicely, I know the ladies there and have asked them how she socially interacts and they have told me that they do not see that she has aproblem.

Is this either that she is a 'terrible two and a complete attention seeker' or do you feel that there is something underlying hte behaviour. I've always felt the same way that ther is something I can't quite put my finger on.

We do have a difficult relationship and sometimes I become so exasperated with her. I love her very much but sometimes I feel like I hate her.

I have suffered depressin in the past and wonder if this just that I am suffereing from PND again.

Can someone please help me!

If she had some kind of developmental problem it should be apparent in ALL situations - not just some. So that suggests that she doesn't have an underlying biological problem. I don't think the points you describe are unusual.

My dd is 2.5 and until recently a pretty easy child - then bam - the tantrums and non-compliance have set in big time. Also - she is apparently no trouble at all at nursery, tends to be much beter in company - and even better with dh. But with me - its a real battle of wills. I think moms and children often get locked into this kind of pattern - unfortunately.

As for the depression - I have that problem too and it can easily become a vicious circle: you are depressed and more vulnerable to your childs difficult behaviours which makes you more depressed etc. Sounds like it's her brother being around that really makes her kick off - could it be plain sibling rivalry?

My ds is her half brother (he is my son from a previous relationship). When he is with his dad at the weekend, her behaviour is fine - OK she has the odd tantrum. But her behaviour complteley changes the second he walks through the door. My DP seems to think that there is nothing wrong with her and maybe it is that we are together the whole time, but I feel like things are really getting on top of me. I am on anti-depressants at the moment but have been starting having the old maybe they would be better off without me thoughts.....

Hi Squinny - you sound like me with DS (almost 3).

He did loads of head banging from an early age, so much so that I took him to a cranial osteopath because it accompanied with not being able to sleep properly and never lying on his back.

She said that due to his ventouse birth, he had a tight pelvis and his head was tight too (whatever that means exactly). Anyway, after a few sessions it really improved the head banging and I could see that it was frustration from having a head ache.

Now however, he does still occasionally head bang but in a more defiant way so I'm sure it's behavioral! He often looks away and appears not to listen to me/look at me but then giggles and I know it's him being tricky.

He often screams a very high/loud pitched scream and he knows that if I show him I'm annoyed, he'll do it all the more!

If your DD is fine at preschool, then perhaps it isn't something more underlying.

Could you try to ignore her bad behaviour and us a reward chart for her good behaviour (giving her lots of opportunity to do good things) and see how she gets on.

Maybe then, if her behaviour improves, you'll feel less down and able to cope better when she's naughty. Do you use a naughty step or similar so there's a consequence for her negative behaviour?

It sounds like she is trying you, and your hv doesn't sound very supportive. Do you have a partner and is he supportive of you!! I've been there and it is tough, my eldest was always jumping around, being very silly and most children will try to get there own way. Incidently have you looked at diet, to see if theres anything there that could be making her slightly hyper. What punishments or consequences do you have in place when she is being naughty!! ie attacking brother. The tantrums i think you just need to ignore completely and do not engage in eye contact when she is doing this and believe me i know it's hard!! Also with the miaowing try to ignore it and ask others to do the same, not drawing attention to it may help and if no one paying attention she may decide it's not working!! At the moment sounds like she knows how to push your buttons and you need to change that!! I DO HOPE IT GETS BETTER FOR YOU AND THAT IT SETTLES DOWN,there is no easy fix and it's going to take hard work and a lot of will power from you to break the habit!!!

Please don't feel that way squinny, your children would not be better off without you!! They need you and always will need there mummy even when they are 20!! I really wish there was something i could do to help you as i know where you are coming from, only i actually bruised my sons arm when he was doing same as your little one, it was a cry for help so depressed and stressed it wasn't until then that i got help...He is now 9 and fine the opposite of what he was, there is light at the end of the tunnel, he had gotten over it by 4 i think, hang on in there!!

I do the naughty step technique with her and she says sorry but then five mins later its the same. I've started separating them and putting them in their own rooms when they start fighting.

My DP is supportive but he thinks the fact that I think she has 'behavioural issues' is in my head. I made the mistake of when I was a bit pissed at Christmas of telling him that some times I felt like I hated her. Last night he told me that it can't be normal to feel like that about your own child. This is what makes me think its all in my head. I feel like she's manipulating the situation. Then I think well for god sake she is only two.

I don't know - I don't know whether its all just me and my depression that makes me feel this way. I feel very confused.

Oh yes you are normal, i used to think the same about my son there are times when you feel you hate them and you can't take any more!! 2yr olds can be very manipulative, they are not stupid!! The dps don't have to deal with it all day, they are at work usually, i would ask him to help back you up and combat this behaviour and get a cuddle of him when your feeling low!!!

Blimey yes - every parent would think that at some point. They really are quite manipulative at that age and will go to great lengths to make everything as tricky as it can be.

Does your DP leave the discipline mainloy to you, even when he's at home? Perhaps at weekends, he could send you off shopping or something and try and get to grips with her behaviour. It has to be equal ot she'll know you're not backing each other up.

Try to give yourself little treats throughout the day too - it's so wearing.

From what you say, she sounds normal.

I'm glad someone has agreed with me that they can be manipulative at this age because i've heard others say they are not!!! It's so difficult at that age too..my dd2 is also 2yrs and she just begining to try to push boundaries, ie stamps her feet, refuses to move and throws herself on floor and will hit brothers and sisters, it's all about seeing how far they can go!!!

Also, if they haven't developed the speech to enable them to say what they want/don't want, they're more likely to demonstrate in less favourable ways like whacking siblings/throwing themselves on the floor etc.

I think partly we mean different things when we use certain words. I'd say it's perfectly normal to feel you hate every member of your family at times- but possible by 'hate' your dh understands something a good deal darker and more dangerous than I do. So it's more a word thing. If he thinks it is not normal to feel anger against your 2yo, even prolonged anger at times, then he's simply not living in the real world.

The same thing with 'manipulative'. This is a word I might be reluctant to use as it suggests a level of deliberate evil craftiness, something vaguely unhealthy. But if you simply use it to mean the normal pushing of boundaries and winding mummy up that so many toddlers indulge in, then why not? They do wind you up. They do want their own will. Only they're not always quite clear about what their will is, they just want it anyway.

As for your list:

1. Doesn't sound that out to me. Yes, some autistic children do do this, but normal ones do too. Can't judge by that alone. Is she being a cat at nursery? If not, then I'd be less worried.

1. High-pitched scream and tantrums. Par for the course IME. All right, so not all toddlers do them, but plenty do.

1. Dyspraxia? Or sheer ordinary clumsiness? Any problems with her joints? She is still very young.

1. Hmmm...what situation would this be in? Is it always? When you're having a nice joke together? Or would it by any chance be when you are telling her off? If she senses you are cross, she's not going to want to look at you. If she never makes eye contact, this may be more indicative of something.

This may not be full blown PND in you either. People who have had an easy first child are often taken by complete surprise if no 2 turns out to be difficult. I had it the other way round so was lucky in a way.

She may well be manipulating the situation, but this is normal and to be expected from a 2 year old, and shows resilience and intelligence. See how well she is able to stand up to you! This will serve her well in later life.

You are normal for worrying, I don't think you hate her, I think you sometimes can't deal with her and you resent her for making you feel incompetent. All mothers feel like this sometimes.