Help! My DD is the horrible kid at playgroup that hits and pushes everyone. Any advice?

[glamourbadger]

I'm really struggling with my 2 year old DD. She seems unable to play alongside other children and constantly lashes out - hitting or pushing over any child that attempts to play with her. When this happens I get down to her level, take her arms and explain sternly that this is not acceptable - she won't make eye contact and often laughs or tries to hit me as well.

I think this stems from her position as "top dog" at home. Her twin sister is physically smaller, never fights back and always lets her have the toy she wants. I often wish my smaller twin would hit her back as it might actually sort things out!

Any advice from mums that have been there?

Do you know any slightly older children she could play with? - she will be tearful but realising she is the little one may help.

No advice but I feel for you as I am going through similar with my 2yr ds. He is an only child and does get an opportunity to play with other children but he prefers to play with older kids. I try 'time-out with him which generally works the best. I first of all tell him no' and that whatever he is doing hurts then warn him that he will go outside (the hallway) if he does it again. Of course, most of the time he does so I put him 'outside' and shut the door on him for 2mins (I hold the door because he can open it) then when he comes in I ask him to say sorry and tell him why he was put there. If he refuses then he stays outside for 2 mins and so on. I have had to ask him to say sorry and keep putting him out 8 times before he would but eventually I had the upper hand. You need to stay strong and not give in, at all.

make of fuss of the child she hurts and remove your dd from the scene of the crime. she is not being mean and will grow out of it eventually. i used to feel so embarrassed.

my 2yr old tries to get what he wants by screaming VERY loud. It intimdates a lot of children into giving whatever it is up. I ALWAYS take it away from him (even if the child has lost interest and run off) and say - "you don't get what you want by screaming". It has taken several weeks but is beginning to have an effect, however you would need to be consistent at home too I think.

I agree with TPaIG, give tons of attention to the victim and very little to your dd other than to say in stern and slightly bored voice 'that's not nice.' You could also threaten to take her home? My friend found that worked best with her ds in those situations. She did have to follow through with it a couple of times though for it to sink in.

Maybe stop taking her until she gets a bit older?
Teach her how to behave at home with her twin.
Take her to the playgroup but leave if she won't settle after telling her and let her know why.
Before going into the playgroup remind her to be nice.

Thanks for all the advice. I feel terribly embarrassed - mums were actually taking their children away from mine this morn!

At home I do put her out in the hall when she hits but it's difficult at a toddler group, especially when she does it repeatedly. I help run a group once a week so no choice but to go. Will try lavishing attention on the poor child that is being beaten and see if this helps!

My 3 yr old son was like this at 2, and is still not great at sharing and playing games with other children. Is your DD big for her age? My son is very tall and physically able for his age and I'm sure this is a contributing factor - they have that 'survival of the fittest' instinct and know they can do what they want in the company of small, weak children who can't fight back! . I find my son plays much better with older children, and always has done. At the park, he shows no interest in other 3 yr olds and only wants to run around with the 5 and 6 yr olds. And he isn't rough or silly with them at all. It's hard, though, isn't it? I am constantly eyeballing him at toddler group, and am blissfully happy if we get through one whole session without him walloping, pushing or snatching from another child .

I can appreciate how embarrassing this is for you, have been there. I agree with giving lots of attention to the "victim", having dealt with your daughter in the way you describe. Also, try talking to the "victim's" Mum. If they see that you are dealing with your child's behaviour and showing concern for their child, not all, but some might well be supportive. Explain that you are having issues and you're really sorry for what has happened, and that you'd welcome their support/advice. Unfortunately, not all parents have experienced their child behaving in this way and I used to feel like they thought I was a crap Mum. If you can get some support in your playgroup, it might make you feel less alone in this. Also watch out for every single thing she does nicely at playgroup, no matter how small, and make a really big fuss of these things. Good luck!

My DS was like this at 2. I couldn't go to a soft play place or playgroup without following him round watching him like a hawk cos he always used to lash out at other kids.

So embarassing! Found other mums were generally fine about it cos i dealt with it, told him off, apologized to them etc. Most of them admitted that their kids had gone through the same phase at some stage.

He grew out of it thankfully. He's still not brilliant at sharing (he's nearly 4) but he's gradually improving!

Such a common phase at this age. When you are going through it it seems horrible but it really will pass.

It sounds like you are doing all you can and I really do think other mums understand.

not sure if has been said before but when my ds went through this stage i used to say if you cannot play nice i'm taking you home

and if he carried on i took him home he soon realised he cannot act that way

maybe you need to have time out at home as she may well have the boss's head on i speak from experience

i too am a twin to a brother and i was also so very bossy always in charge and this carried with me to pre school

my mum had to make sure i was told off at home also so i knew it was not acceptable anywhere

if you let her get away with it at home she isnt going to take you seriously as if out you tell her and then let her get away with it at home its mixed signals

my ds had time out and you could try timing toys so she can have the toy for so long then sisters turn as she clearly has control over sister as i did my brother but my parents soon put a stop to that lol

also praise as well for giving toy to sister and for playing nicely hopefully she will calm down

i did even though was still classed as bossy all through school dp will probably say i still am lol

Ds is exactly the same. He's 2.5, and I too do the time out for hitting. At home he is usually lovely, but it is when he is with other children he starts to hit, blow raspberries and even bites on occassion.

One time at preschool, he pull a handful of hair out of a beautiful littles girls head.

I'm desparately clinging onto the hope it is a phase and he'll grow out of it.

pulled

Thank you so much for all your supportive messages - so nice to know I am not alone! My other twin is a real little joiner and shares beautifully, it just shows you that it's more to do with the childs personality than upbringing.

Am ashamed to say I used to look at the hair pulling children and think "what terrible parents they must have". I am now that terrible parent!

you must remember its not a reflection on you as a parent my parents raised us well i was just a little terror just my personality lol

my ds grew out of it but just didnt like consequences i gave so maybe be bit harsher and praise all good behaviour no matter how small maybe competing for attention and she has found being naughty the winner for it