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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Using a dummy - rod for my own back?

31 replies

mollykins · 28/01/2008 19:33

Hey all, I'm new to this site but like the very candid message boards. My DD is 15 weeks, she's always been a total nightmare to settle to sleep, we've gone through hours of crying, rocking, patting, putting her in her cot awake - more crying, getting her to sleep first, then she wakes crying. So in the end I tried a dummy. My god it worked! She settles well, spits it out and pretty much goes to her dream feed then on to 7am which is pure bliss after weeks of anxiety. The whole household is happier. My question is - is this wrong? will she get addicted to it? am I a bad mother for resorting to this? I guess I want you to say 'no it's fine, do whatever it takes' but if anyone has any words of motherly solidarity I'd appreciate it - I'm tearing myself up with guilt at the moment.

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 28/01/2008 19:36

I see no problem with using a dummy if it helps the baby but don't use it too much and it is best to take it away at 6 months. IME it is the optimum time as they are young enough to soon forget they had one and old enough to have learnt new ways to settle themselves.

Accept you will always feel guilty about something when you are a parent and just roll with it.

sophierosie · 28/01/2008 19:38

No - its fine - really.

You do need to do what works for you at this point in time and don't worry about what could possibly happen months/weeks down the line.

Your DD may get 'addicted' but that won't be the end of the world - if you limit to bedtime it'll just be part of that routine.

My DD didn't have a dummy because she wouldn't take one, but friends have found that their dc's just gave them up naturally. I ended up being my DD's dummy and would have loved to have passed her a dummy.

Many children have some kind of comfort that reassures them, so really don't worry!

PussinJimmyChoos · 28/01/2008 19:38

DS has had a dummy since he was about 3 weeks old. He's now 20mths old and still uses it. Am not worried about it in the least. Most nights he spits it out as soon as he's gone to sleep and if he does cry out (which isn't very much these days), we can just stagger in, give him back the dummy and his binky (comfort cloth) and he settles right back with no rocking or walking the floor

He hardly uses the dummy in the day either - just when he's tired and wants a bit of comfort. Am confident he'll get rid of it in his own time too, won't be pushing him or anything

slng · 28/01/2008 19:39

I don't know if it's "right" or "wrong" - both ds1 and ds2 were given dummies. After a while ds1 decided he would suck his thumb instead and still does (he's 4 now), but ds2 moved on from dummy to thumb for a short while and stopped (he's 21 months now). We didn't remove the dummies - it appears to be their choice. I don't know if you should beat yourself up about it. Someone once told me, when I was worried about the thumb-sucking, that even little ones have "worries" that we can't do anything about and if they can soothe themselves why stop them. Sorry no answer - that's all I know ...

pooka · 28/01/2008 19:39

Do not under any any circumstances feel guilty! What's to feel guilty about? You have tried a range of things to help comfort her. And it just happens that a dummy helps. Why should you feel that giving her something that provides a source of comfort, helps her sleep and makes her happy is a bad thing?

And if she becomes reliant on a dummy as part of her sleep time routine or when she's upset or wants to "tune out"? Well it isn't the end of the world and certainly isn't the worst thing. If the dummy becomes her favourite comforter, why is that any different from her sucking her thumb, rubbing her face with a clothie, cuddling her favourite teddy.

dd had a dummy from about 6 weeks old. About the time she started to have colic and was really unsettled. It worked wonders for her, she was happy, I was happy. She still had her dummy (for sleep time only from the age of about 2) unitl she was nearly 4, when she fell and cut her lip and it needed stitches. But she gave it up with hardly any trouble at all and still sleeps wonderfully now, with no sleep aids apart from whatever cuddly toy is closest. Her teeth are fine and her speech is great.

Ds had a dummy from about the same age and is now 2 and a quarter and still has a dummy for sleeps (and more often).

pooka · 28/01/2008 19:41

Oh, and I would advise NOT to take the dummy away at 6months - new research into SIDS suggests that if a child has a dummy, tis better to wait until after a year to get rid of it.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 28/01/2008 19:42

pooka, that is new advice since I have had my youngest.

pooka · 28/01/2008 19:43

www.fsid.org.uk/dummies.html

Eeek · 28/01/2008 19:44

mine both decided at about 6 months to get rid of their dummies. wonderful while it lasted! Just remember - that rod might be all that's keeping you upright!

pooka · 28/01/2008 19:46

Sorry - crossed posts. Have read on the site, and you are quite right. It does suggest gradually starting to reduce dummy use from 6months until a year.
Personally though, by that age the dcs were usually only having a dummy for naps/bedtime, and I just felt that dummies were no worse than thumbs in terms of dental probs (in fact was advised of that by my dentist).

PillockOfTheCommunity · 28/01/2008 19:48

I always hated dummies, until I had a very sucky ds1

He had a dummy and just stopped using it himself before he was a year old, but I diod restrict it to indoor use only.

Megglevache · 28/01/2008 19:50

Message withdrawn

Megglevache · 28/01/2008 19:52

Message withdrawn

Heated · 28/01/2008 19:52

DS1 had a dummy from about 3wks and he/we stopped using it at about 7-8 months & in those intervening months it was a godsend. Some babies are just very "sucky" and derive enormous comfort from it; my dd2 in contrast was distinctly unimpressed by one.

When ds started to repeatedly wake up at night crying, trying to find his dummy, my dh said this is bonkers, time to stop using it and tbh he could cry round it so it was no longer 'pacifying' him.

So imo use one because you know it makes your lo happy. The time where he starts giving you bad nights as described above imo is the time to ditch it.

bogie · 28/01/2008 19:52

Dummys are fine for little babys ds didn't want his after 5 months but i couldn't have lived with out it before that.
I can't stand seeing 4,5,6+ year olds with them tho.

moodywren · 28/01/2008 19:55

I think its better to use a dummy than have finger sucking.
DD had a dummy, and ds2 has one now, but ds1 refused a dummy and sucks his two middle fingers. When they get older you can take a dummy away but I can't take ds1 fingers off so I think its hard to get him to stop.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 28/01/2008 19:56

To quote my dentist, I have never seen a child start school sucking a dodie, I have however seen children sucking there thumb on the day they started school.

He reckons there is a lot more damage done by thumbs than dodies.

fruitful · 28/01/2008 19:57

You can make the dummy a "bedtime only" thing. Dummies are only a problem when permanently in a 3-yr-old's mouth (restricts speech development).

I would have thought that hours of crying were a bigger problem than a dummy!

fruitful · 28/01/2008 19:59

(moodywren you can put plasters on his fingers)

moodywren · 28/01/2008 20:06

Wonder if that would work, or if he would get them off.

I might give that a try, thanks fruitful

warthog · 28/01/2008 20:08

dummies are wonderful, wonderful things. don't beat yourself up, enjoy the peace they bring and your dd might wean herself. mine did, at about a year. it doesn't always end in tears.

Spoo · 28/01/2008 20:10

Not a bad decision. My 3yo DS1 has a dummy - was a sucky baby. Now he only has it in his room at night and when he feels a bit upset or tired he goes upstairs for 'num-num' time. I'm sure he'll give it up when he's ready.

missorinoco · 28/01/2008 20:15

we got a dummy for ds, and kept it in the cupboard for 2 weeks before we used it!

it made my early days so much better. i concluded it was better to give ds a dummy than to watch him cry without one because that would make me (and others) feel like i was a better parent.

ds initally had it for when he was inconsolable and to settle him to sleep.
now (8 months) only needs it to settle him. my biggest fear was that i would be putting it back in constantly overnight and it hasn't happened (yet....) as said, if it does, you can ditch it then.

Borage · 28/01/2008 20:17

If you went to the doctors to discuss ways of getting your DD to sleep better and he described something which is entirely natural and did not involve the baby to ingest any medicine or chemicals, then I think you would jump at the chance. Think of it as a rubber themb for the time being! Dummies look like shit, but they work a treat! Worry about getting rid of it in a couple of years time. My dc have them despite me being absolutely determined that they never would purely for the snob factor, and they only have them in bed, and I shall consider getting rid of them when the oldest hits 3 years old.

Sycamoretree · 28/01/2008 20:22

Give yourself a break - it's fine. You're obviously tuned in enough to realise it's not something that is ideal for ever, and you will most likely phase it out when your instinct tells you your DD can cope best. My DD didn't need it much - and sometimes even when we wanted her to take it she wouldn't. DS is another story, he seemed to need one 24/7 from the day we got him home. At just over 5 months now we have just started to be brave enough to take it away when he's going down for he naps or sleep - but if he goes nuts at 4am...(and he's not feeding in the night anymore, so no chance to shut him up with a feed) then too bloody right I resort back to the dummy. I agree with most - start to wean her off from 6 months if you can, cos it's harder once they can use their voices to ask you where it is!

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