Self Esteem/Self Confidence - How to teach it to our kids?

[Earlybird]

I've been thinking lately about self esteem. Having suffered from low self esteem and a lack of confidence for most of my life, I would dearly love to spare dd the same experience. But, how to teach/impart self esteem? I do praise her lots for being thoughtful, accomplishing a task, trying hard to do something etc. When she isn't able to manage something, I encourage her to try again, or explain that some things take practice and will come with time. I tell her she's a good and clever girl often - whenever it's appropriate. I don't expect her to get it right all the time, or be perfect (as was expected of me).

What do you think are the keys to raising a confident child who feels good about themselves? At 3.9 she's young to deal with peer pressure, but I want her to be able to stand strong and feel a positive sense of self when the time comes. Can you teach self esteem if you're lacking yourself? How are the rest of you approaching this?

Hello Earlybird, hope things are well with you.
I'm trying to do what you're doing with my dd - although she's younger than yours. We tell her we are proud of her for little and big things and also tell often how pretty she is, how strong her little legs are and so on. I'm also keen on taking her to lots of different places and encouraging her to hold her own in a variety of situations eg.other houses, playgroups, with different kinds of people (but with one of us always near in case she needs us of course). My dh and I are careful to make sure that we don't say things like 'you're a daddy's/mummy's girl'(she's her own person) or introduce the idea that she might not be good at something. I read somewhere that these phrases can become self-fulfilling prophecies so I've bitten the bullet and told relatives not to use such phrases with her. I also try hard not to say disparaging things about myself infront of her 'I feel fat today', 'I'm useless at x,y z'etc.
The other thing we try to do is not run each other or other people down infront of her - incase she starts to think that some people are worth less than others.
All this is pretty hard some days and we don't always achieve it but I think they're all good goals.
Take care x

i once read that having a full length mirror in their bedroom from an early age has very positive effects. DS had one on his wardraobe door anyway but we bought one for DD. they both spend a lot of time in front of them; dd brushing her hair and DS making silly faces/noises. if they are crying they often look in the mirror to see what they look like

I think that you are all doing the right things IMO. I also feel that a child that feels completely loved at home will be full of self esteem. I know of one little girl whose mother has no real self esteem and it has made her disconnected with her daughter. You can see history repeating itself. I feel that as long as we tell our children that we love them, cuddle them, encourage them and try NOT to solve every problem for them that they will grow in self worth. My friend's mother was a fixer. It took my friend years to become confident in herself. Lots of love and honest praise IMO.

These are all interesting things to ponder.

Welshmum - Hello! Hope you're feeling OK. I agree wholeheartedly about not being overly critical of myself in front of dd. I will never talk about my "fat" tummy or "big" bum. If I can't get something right, I will say in a light hearted way "silly mummy", instead of something heavier and more disparaging. I also tell dd that she is clever, or that she looks beautiful in her new dress, etc. I encourage her to think for herself and express preferences - even if it's something as simple as "which way do you want to walk to school today" so that she feels she has input and that her choices are heeded. I also praise her for playing on her own, for helping tidy up, etc. If someone is rude, we talk about how that wasn't a very nice way to behave, but never say "she's a naughty girl". I try to distinguish between bad behaviour and not imply that the person is bad.

Marslady - take your point about being a fixer. That is why I try not to lumber her with perfectionist expectations. So what if she colors and scribbles a bit, or doesn't stay in the lines? I think that trying and making an effort is important. I also want her to enjoy herself and have fun instead of being told she didn't get it quite right, or feeling pressure to perform. I know even now that sometimes I won't attempt something if I think I can't do it well. I rob myself of the pleasure of trying/learning, and am completely unable to laugh off any disastrous results.

I also try to allow her (and myself) to simply have a "bad day" rather than making sweeping judgements about who she is as a person when she's been difficult. I was constantly told that I was selfish, thoughtless, etc, and it has proven to be debilitating later in life. Don't want to impose that on dd.

AuntyQuated - I always tell dd to look in the mirror to see how pretty she looks in a new dress, or to look at her hair when it's just been washed and dried. Perhaps it gives her a positive self image.

I guess it's all about helping her develop a healthy ego, and teaching her to feel comfortable with herself. What a gift that will be if somehow that can be imparted to her!

Earlybird you sound like you're doing a fab job being a mummy - I don't think you need to beat yourself up about anything at all
It's interesting how doing all that stuff in your own house makes you feel too. I haven't moaned about being fat out loud for ages and I do feel less caught up with petty stuff for it. I think our children make us beter people if we let them. Take care x

So why don't asterisks work for me then!

Agree with everything that has been said so far. I had a lot of self esteen as a child and was very confident as a young adult too (sometimes perhaps a bit too confident?!) and I've been trying to remember what it was my parents did to make me feel this way. I was always told I was very clever/funny/lovely etc (god i'm cringing writing this!) and I was always told I could achieve anything I set my mind to (within reason - I'm sure this was attached to achieveable 'targets'! e.g. my brother was never as academic as me but was encouraged to be creative and musical and they always took an interest in the hobbies he had, etc).
I've noticed that i seemd to have married someone who gives out praise very generously as well. dd and i are always being told we're loved, that we're beeoootiful, etc. (even though i'm quite porky - like Earlybird, that's never as issue in our house) and i make sure dd and i give it back to dh too. Up to now she does seem to be very confident and self-assured.
It sounds like you're doing a lovely job as a mummy. Your dd is very lucky

It's so interesting, this one, isn't it. I was horribly lacking in confidence for so very long. And one thing I really do want to give my girls is confidence and happiness in their body size and how they look.

I tell them a lot how lovely they are and how much I love them (that's not difficult, I'm such a gusher ). I also say to dd1 a lot, if she's made a mistake about something, that it's OK to make mistakes - and if it's really my fault, because I shouldn't have let her carry two plates in the first place, I explain. I try not to laugh at her, even when I think she's inadvertantly doing something hilarious, because she doesn't like it and I don't like it either. I try not to make food too loaded an issue; I know she doesn't have major eating hang-ups, so we have a deal of 'three mouthfuls and then we'll see', and I explain that eating will give her the energy to do things. And when I do get cross and shout because I'm having a bad hour I try very much to explain that it's nothing to do with her. I think that it is paying off, in that we've agreed that we still love each other even if we're having a row...

Just quickly scanned this thread and agree with lots that has been said. Dd1 lacks confidence despite dh and I's strenuous efforts to develop her confidence - and we're fairly happy it will work out in the end. One thing I would add - we praise her for expressing her opinions even when they conflict with ours or her peers - she is pretty good at standing up for herself despite being very shy (I work at the school and have seen her in action!)

I would consider it a huge accomplishment if dd develops a strong sense of her self-worth. It will be an important asset as she faces the world. I want her to appreciate her strengths, but also embrace the areas where she's different. I want her to have the self confidence to enjoy her individuality. Thanks for all your thoughts/comments. It helps to know I'm on the right track.

I'm not sure how much this can be influenced, and how much is part of your character. But I did want to point out that self esteem and self confidence are very different.

Ds1 used to be very shy and clingy, until the age of about 4, but his self esteem was always very high.

Now he is an extremely confident child, in almost every circumstance, and his self esteem is still high, though occasionally dips a little bit.

Am I making any sense here?

I think you can influence a child to 'feel good about themselves' (self esteem), but I think it's extremely difficult to teach a 'naturally shy' person to be confident.

I'd love to know more on this, as my ds 1 seems to have extremely low self esteem ad it makes me feel very sad. I praise him all the time, we're always having kisses & cuddles. I really enjoy being with him he has a great relationship with his brothers, yet is so easily upset. H saya stuff like tthe other kids don't like him,whenever another kis is mentioned it's always in terms of how nice or otherwise they are to him. If I ever tell him off, and I'm careful to focus on the behaviour "I don't like it when you do that" Not "you're bad/naughty"etc, yet even the mildest rebuke he says stuff like i hate myself, i should go away if you don't love me any more.

My ds2 seems fine so hope it isn't anything I've done - does anyone have any tips for dealing with this?

Earlybird, you soung like you're doing a great job

Loads of good ideas here - I like this thread, thank you. I hope we are doing most of these things, some consciously, some unconsciously. I know my mum didn't bring me up to have low self esteem on purpose (and I am very very good at hiding it from her, so she probably doesn't realise it now), so I am a bit scared that in spite of my best intentions, I still don't know whether I will be able to give my children this one precious gift.

I think I am doing something right - my mum told me that "ds will start to associate himself with the phrase good boy" which she meant as a criticism, but I took as a complement and replied "do you think he'll be confident too?"

I really relate to all of this - I had low self esteem for years, kindly passed on to me by my mum who's still a very negative and critical person. When I had kids I decided that the one thing I wanted to give them was a good sense of self worth and confidence, so the best way to do this was to improve my own self esteem and confidence. When you think about how big a factor your own mum is in your own life, I think it makes sense if you're a mum to get yourself as sorted out as you can be.

One of the things that really helped me was studying NLP (a branch of psychology all about communication). It explains the links between what we do, say and think. What we believe about ourselves has such a huge effect on how we behave. So every day I tell the kids how great they are and how much we love them. And when they do something new, I'll generally tell them that they're good at it even if they've never done it before. So if I say 'You're so good at doing jigsaws/colouring in etc', dd does it with that belief in mind and her positive attitude means that she does pretty well at most things she tries. I've also noticed that when she's spent some time with my mum, she'll start saying 'I can't do XX', because she hears my mum being more negative about most things.

Sounds like everybody here is doing a great job -the next generation are becoming so fab, wonder what difference that'll make to the world in 20 yrs time?

Ernest, I feel very sad for your little boy. Sounds like somewhere something's upsetting him. If I were you I would keep on giving him all the love and really concentrate on building up the things/people/activities he likes.

Ernest, how old is your son?

thanks monkeymagic & Marslady.
He's 5. He has a brother who's nearly 4 & a 1 yr old. I think I manage to get 1-1 time with him, he gets on well with his brothers, he's a very gentle, sweet, thoughtful kind little soul. Deep down it makes me panic to hear him talk like that & makes me feel very sad. 5 seems so young to have such strong & neg feelings.

I tell him very frequently how clever he is, how good he is at drawing, how kind he is, how funny etc etc. he gets loads of praise, quantified as well, not just glib & distracted 'mmmm, yes, good boy' sort of comments.

All of his family adore him. I just don't know where it comes from or what to do

Poor little love, I really feel for him. Has he always been like this? When did it start? Could there be something going on at school he hasn't told you about? When is he at his happiest/most confident? How bothered is he about all of this?

Sorry to fire all these questions at you - just trying to help. BTW I wrote an article for a magazine about mums & self esteem. CAT me and I can email a copy in case it helps.

I think for the large part you can ignore his "everybody hates me" thing. It's a phase. My children have all done it to varying degrees and I think that it is a way of them finding out who they are in the playground. Don't get me wrong, I think that you should continue to praise him and tell him how much you love him. No matter what they say they always remember that. My DD2 went to bed last night claiming that nobody loved her and that everybody hated her. No exaggeration there then. You're doing a good job. Keep it up!!!!

BTW what on earth were you doing up at 3.30am? Or do you live abroad?

baby - ds3 was screaming all night - well, from 3 onwards, suspect ear infection, but only because he would not go in his cot - very unlike him to wake at night at all & always go down at day & night without a murmur. One or the other of them always comes down with something, usually ears when we go away - due to be flying tomorrow & am therefore knackered & have tooth/earache myself!

Back to ds, I think he finds it hard at school he says other kid don't talk to him/like him, so think he tends to keep himself to himself which makes the problem worse. He is nervous of other kids but otherwise you'd think he was confident - he's happy to chat to other adults & seems to find younger kids easier than his peers.

He did say stuff about other kids not liking him at his playgroup before, but seems much worse now he's at school, although he seems to enjoy it & teacher says he's bright & happy there, just finding mixing with the other kids very difficult.

Sorry to hear about the wee one. Just had two weeks of the dts not sleeping at night. Finally had a decent night last night.

Have you spoken to your son's teacher about how he can be included in play? He may be a naturally shy child and as someone said earlier we mustn't confuse self esteem with self confidence. I think that you are clearly building his self esteem and his self confidence will come. Maybe the other children don't play the games that he likes. My DS1 only played football, as did many in his class, but that was no good to the two boys who liked art and science. Not sure what else to suggest. Will give it more thought. You'd think that I'd have more ideas having had 5 wouldn't you? lol

HTH.

Changed my name on the Xmas name thread normally MarsLady (in case you hadn't worked it out)

thanks, sorry to hear about 2 weeks of unbroken sleep - not good1

I think he is shy with his peer group & in large groups. When it's 1-2-1 or with younger children he's fine, and very chatty & open with adults, but seems to find a class full of kids the same age aas him overwhelming, so has withdrawn & so has more & more become aware thy're not playing with him (because he has withdrawn) but he doesn't seem to be able to get over the idea - "they don't play with me so they do not like me", and over the weeks it's seemed to be really starting affect him, and more recently saying stuff within the family - you don't love me, it'd be better if I wasn't here etc. I'm sure this all stems from a bashing to his confidence - hmmm, I can't truly say if he has problem with self esteem, s-confidence or both.

early bird that's a good point about allowing them to have a bad day. Sometimes I'm concerned that he's too good, iyswim. It''s hard being a parent sometimes isn't it. They're just so precious......

ernest - sorry to hear about your ds. Do you think he's being bullied at school? I've tried to arrange various activities for dd with a few school friends so she will feel connected/a sense of belonging in a larger group setting. Also think it gives her people to gravitate toward. DD sometimes also will come out with something like "X is not my friend, because she doesn't want to play with me". I simply try to reassure her and tell her that maybe X was tired/grumpy/etc, so that she can start to understand that there can be other reasons entirely unrelated to her that X is not friendly that day. Also it's important to let them know that they can't be close friends with everyone, though they certainly should be pleasant.

Also wonder if your ds has realised that these sorts of statements are sure fire attention grabbers? I ask because I saw that blatantly in action with dd last week. The father of one of my friends died, and I was explaining it to dd. Suddenly she said "mummy, I'm going to die soon". As you can imagine, I was completely horrified, ran to her, cuddled her and told her not to say things like that. In fact the whole thing rattled me so much that I started crying. Smart little one was taking the whole thing on board, because a week later she said it again, and then waited for my response. This time I was able to see that she was testing me/looking for a reaction. I calmly explained that everyone dies, and that I hoped she would live to be an old lady with a long and happy life.

Long way of saying that perhaps your son has sussed that he will get extra love, attention, cuddles if he says something upsetting/shocking. Could that be possible? Obviously, you must be vigilant to differentiate when he's saying something for a reaction, and when he's genuinely distressed. It's complicated being a mum isn't it?

agree with earlybird. Talk to his teacher. They tend to know how the wee ones are getting on better than we do. We only hear the biased version. Still think you're doing a great job. Need to run. School pickup and here I am still.