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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

High needs baby?

19 replies

Potluckdinner · 19/10/2022 18:34

Just wanted to talk about my nearly 5 months old who I've come to realise recently may be what people call a "High needs baby." I have struggled with him since birth with colic and silent reflux, the first 3 months he seemed to be crying/ unhappy 90% of his waking hours. Since then he is better from the colic and reflux, is now off medication for reflux. He has turned into a happier baby as long as he is held. And I mean, held constantly, every minute of the day, day and night. If he is set down he will immediately cry. If he is in a good mood he will spend 10 - 15 mins in the bouncer but not longer. He has to be held at night, so he will sleep on my chest for first half the night, and if I can roll him onto the bed without waking him we co-sleep, which only gives me enough rest not to pass out the next day. I have tried to get him used to the cot, I don't know how many hours I have spent shushing and patting, stroking his belly / chest but he will just not have it. Just screams and he gets angrier and angrier. I have tried PUPD but this does not work either as he gets so upset that picking him up won't settle him, and after 2 hours the effort was abandoned. Various people have suggested "cry it out" but I really want to avoid this. Saving grace is that he likes the sling - so we go out and I can do some house work if I have the energy. I do feel exhausted and he is quite heavy to carry around all day long. Psychologically it is tough too - to not have a single moment to myself. I take him to classes which most of them he seems to hate. It makes me feel down to see other babies who seem so chilled out, and can be set down in the cot for them to sleep a few hours stretch. Just wanted to hear from others who may have had similar experience, and any tips on how to make things easier, how to cope. Thank you

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ElmtreeMama · 23/10/2022 15:29

Hi OP

Mum to a high needs 11 month old here
Also a very colicy/refluxy baby, also a velcro baby, also hated groups!

I'd say there has been a slight change thr last 2 months and she is definitely happier/smilier and can be put down as long as I am still in the room.

I'm afraid we're still doing the same sleep routine as you and I am EXHAUSTED but nothing we have tried has worked

Just wanted to send solidarity x

happygolucky42 · 23/10/2022 19:39

First baby practically took himself to bed and then came my second. Thought I knew everything. I didn't. Truly exhausting but it will get better and you'll miss those high needs days for sure!

Potluckdinner · 24/10/2022 00:31

@ElmtreeMama can I ask what you have tried in terms of sleep? I have read that many sleep training methods are not effective for high needs / persistent babies. I wonder if this is your experience too?

OP posts:
ElmtreeMama · 24/10/2022 06:45

Pick up put down, retreating chair, changing routine/times, shh patting, trying to introduce comforters.
Each time she's cried, once until she was sick so I still feed to sleep then carefully roll and co sleep. Last night she woke every hour! Just wanting to be held and loved, I remind myself it won't always be like this which does help.

Potluckdinner · 24/10/2022 10:19

Aww must have been so hard to try all these and see your baby cry. I can relate - seems even the "gentle" methods make our babies hysterical! My baby does appear happier and less clingy if he has had a better night. Very up and down.

OP posts:
MsTaz · 31/10/2022 04:41

I have a needy/ clingy 6 month old too. Very colicy and clingy first 3 months. She will let her dad pick her up occasionally but only if I’m around and not for too long. Distraught if we go anywhere: classes, meeting friends, shopping, in laws!

It can get isolating and exhausting, especially when everyone keeps repeating their unwanted advice…

Generally writing this in solidarity so you don’t feel alone.

I’ve started a dream feed for baby just before I go to bed, which helps her last a little longer in the in the night. Sleep deprivation can make mummy life even harder!

MsTaz · 31/10/2022 04:46

@ElmtreeMama mine is the same. I have to be nearby at all times. Absolutely inconsolable if I leave the room. Wants to be held for the most part too. I’m developing a back problem because of it. I thought my baby was the only one like this as I hadn’t seen other babies do this in my social circle.

ElmtreeMama · 31/10/2022 06:42

Same here @MsTaz- I do wonder if there may be some neurodiversity or if she is just a sensitive soul, I guess time will tell!

MsTaz · 31/10/2022 10:02

@ElmtreeMama i have gone down the neuro diverse route in my mind as well. I’m a primary school teacher so very familiar with children with ASD but not so much babies. Yes only time will tell. I hope you are getting some down time too mama xx

ElmtreeMama · 31/10/2022 10:06

@MsTaz thats interesting!
How old is your baby now? My DD is 11 months, she is meeting most milestones but sleep is a very real struggle for her as are certain textures with food and the emotional/sensitive/velcro baby traits x

MsTaz · 31/10/2022 10:53

@ElmtreeMama
My baby is 6 and a half months. She sleeps ok now, but there was a definite struggle in the first 3 months. She’s clingy at home in general, I can leave her a few minutes on her own if I need to pop into another room. But distraught clingy when we go out. Very sensitive to unfamiliar sounds and startled super easily. I haven’t seen any stimming traits or experienced her being fussy with particular foods yet. My husband works long hours and I’m the only one she sees at home for the entire day sometimes, so I often think it could be an unfamiliarity thing maybe 🤷🏻‍♀️

Potluckdinner · 31/10/2022 18:27

I have also wondered about neurodiverse /ASD traits but ofcourse it is too early to worry about that. Baby seems better in the last few days from clingy point of view, I have been able to put him down for a while to shower, cook. I have noticed he is more clingy if he has had a bad night. Took him to a singing group today and again he cried... is everyone co-sleeping?

OP posts:
ElmtreeMama · 31/10/2022 18:30

Also just out of interest is anyone else breastfeeding
I'd LOVE to wean, she's 1 next week but she feeds more than ever and it seems such a comfort to her so I don't know where to start

Kinderbueno89 · 31/10/2022 19:26

@ElmtreeMama
ahhhh I have the same baby! Almost one and still breastfeeding and regularly through the night. I’m desperate to wean as his feeding isn’t great (tongue toe, now with so many teeth and so hyperactive) it’s created a milk blend and it’s agony! So I have all the incentive to wean but he won’t take a bottle / beaker / cup. He’s also so difficult to get to sleep so I mostly do a feed to sleep and then walk in the carrier when that doesn’t work. I’ve read up all about sleep training but I can’t imagine it going well as he gets so upset even when we are trying to keep him happy! Also very sensitive baby and will mouth most things but fussy with food!

Kinderbueno89 · 31/10/2022 19:27

*bleb!

ElmtreeMama · 31/10/2022 19:28

Ohhhh @Kinderbueno89 apologies but I am so glad it isn't just me! DD has 8 teeth, I'd say she has fed every half hour today!!! I don't know where to start as she's a sensitive soul. I'm trying to do habit stacking, introducing other comfort items and special songs and scents for nap times etc

Kinderbueno89 · 31/10/2022 21:04

@ElmtreeMama no apologies needed! It is so good to have company in this. How is she doing on foods with all that milk? I’ve managed to get it mostly down to before naps in the day but another 4-8 feeds overnight just to keep him asleep. Is she happy generally or lots of fussing?

I also have wondered about ASD due to poor eye contact up close, never looked during feeding and a bit delayed on babbling. It’s still too early but he’s also making really good progress and really tries to communicate.

@Potluckdinner My baby sounded similar and although is still very very hard work he’s so much happier which does make the exhaustion feel more manageable. He is the sweetest but needs so much input.

ElmtreeMama · 01/11/2022 07:32

@Kinderbueno89 any tips for reducing the daytime feeds? Another loooong night of hourly feeds here.
She struggles with certain textures tbh, she'll happily try anything but doesn't eat much (as she's so full of milk probably) and she gags/vomits a lot - we have a paediatrician referral for this to rule out anything physical.

@Potluckdinner we are co sleeping

Kinderbueno89 · 01/11/2022 08:34

@ElmtreeMama I just try to only feed when the sleeping bag is on ie before a nap. If he’s really crying I will try a feed but I often think it’s a comfort thing rather than him being hungry so I’m trying not to feed for every whinge as he definitely was always too full to eat any food and as his weight isn’t brilliant we were keen to encourage learning to eat. Ahh it’s so exhausting isn’t it, we had two hourly overnight and I struggle with that tbh.

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