my 18 mo is starting to slap - help please

[rubyt]

I have an 18 month old boy. About 3 weeks ago he started to slap my DH and me in the face. We couldn't put it down to anything (hunger,lack of sleep,attention seeking) in particular. About 2 weeks ago the nursery where my son goes 3 days a week said that he had started to slap the younger children (one nursery nurse even called him spiteful which upset me a great deal as I have never heard or been told anything critical of him before and I think spiteful sounds awful). He has now started to slap other children when he is with me. Today we were at a friend's house when he started slapping the little girl (same age) on the face. Initially I held his hand and made him stroke her cheek softly whilst smiling at him. When he slapped her again I shouted at him. When he did it again I put him in another room. I could tell my friend was upset at my discipline choices - and to be frank I am upset too because I don't know how to make him understand that slapping is not nice. Please help.

rubyt my eldest did this at about the same age, so I'm suprised that the nursery haven't come across it, and IMO they should have dealt with it a lot better. It's not spiteful at that age, I think its done to get a reaction. Your first approach was the right one, when he slaps just tell him no and take his hand and gently stroke the face with it - you have to keep doing this over and over. They do grow out of it, or at least it becomes less frequent. I'm waiting for ds2 to start.

Mine still does it at 20 months - you are not alone. It gets less frequent though - try this;

Pick him up, and when he starts to hit you, put him on the floor, say "smacking is a naughty thing to do", and turn your back on him.

We are still doing this now and it does seem to be working HTH

By the way, your discipline choices are up to you, and if she doesn't understand why you didn't smack him back, then she has obviously not been unfortunate enough to encounter this in her own children!!!

Sounds just like my DS. He started doing this last month (is 15 mo. now). We do exactly what colditzmum does, and that seems to work the best. He hates to be ignored, and slapping often turns into hugs when we ignore him. Fortunately, the slapping is only directed at me (mostly) and DH, so hasn't become a big problem in regards to other children.

My 24mth dd was smacking all the time recently. We tried ignoring her but it didn't make any difference. We were advised by a friend who had had the same prob, to pretend we were in terrible pain when she smacked us and cry and wail. One day she smacked dh who made a big scene of crying so I went up and comforted him and ignored dd. It worked, dd was so shocked she says 'don't smack' all the time. It rarely happens now - usually only if very tired or in a tantrum. They have to understand that their actions can have bad implications. Good luck!

hi our dd has been through that phase ,we have tried rollingrocks suggestion and find that works too

thank you so much for your replies - I am so upset at this which my DH says is an over reaction because our son is bound to be even challenging as he gets older - I will try putting your suggestions into practice - thanks again

every single time he does it put him down and ignore him for a minute .. say No firmly and walk away

take him out into a hall .. put him on a stair

it is a stage .. it is not spiteful .. I would personally complain to nursery for that description

oh and make a fuss of the person smacked whilst ignoring DS

I really really would check into nursery's policies regarding this it is such a common phase

One thing he isn't is spiteful. At his age he really, honestly won't be able to think 'Smacking would hurt me, therefore I am hurting other people' - that sort of reasoning is WAY beyond an 18month old baby. Their brains are too immature. He just finds it an interesting, satisfying sensation with an interesting result. It was completely out of order - and, frankly, very stupid and uninformed - for the person at the nursery to call him spiteful, and you should complain. Nobody should use language like that about a baby in their professional care. IME the best way to deal with all these things - slapping, biting etc is to withdraw attention for a short while. ie when he goes to slap, put him down immediately and withdraw eye contact, say 'No" or "absolutely not' and walk away briefly. Repeat absolutely consistently until they realise that instead of a nice, fun (!) response they get ignored, which they hate. YOu cannot make him understand that 'slapping is not nice' at this age, but you can make him realise it's not worth doing. Think of it as puppy training rather than a moral education.

My 2y10m DS has also been hitting recently - seems to be an attention thing and reassuring to know we're trying the same tactics as everyone else. The 'naughty step' doesn't seem to work as DS hits then sends himself off to the step.

Ah yes, DD 20 months has this pleasant behaviour as well. But, it's definitely a release of anger. She tripped and hit her head the other day. And out of anger, she turned around and smacke DH with a very angry look on her face -- as if he had done it. We just ignore her. And, if she hits me in the face when I am holding her I say "No! That's not nice" and put her down. She throws a tantrum for about 2 seconds and then we are friends again. Toddlers are very fickle. I'm convinced their cuteness is a gift from God to ensure they survive the terrible twos... Just when you want to give them away, you think "oh isn't she cute" and forget all about the fact that ten seconds ago she was delivering a left hook to your jaw bone.

Yes, to say he is spiteful is bit ignorant. Toddler are more emotional. They get frustrated because they physically don't know how to do the things they mentally desire to do, and it comes out in tantrums and slaps, etc. This is normal development.