I'm at a total loss - ideas?

[LKP123]

Over the last few months I have noticed a number of behaviour traits from 5yo girl which are increasingly hard to handle. To say she is a very emotional and sensitive child to certain situations (usually where she is not in control eg how her friends play) is a slight understatement.

With me she is super defiant saying I am not the boss but her teacher is and that my attitude is disgusting (when I am trying to Mum, and have her do things).

She also has a big attitude and back chat game when she doesn't like what I'm asking her to do and gers louder each time she tells me she isn't going to listen, tells me not to answer her back etc. She has said to me lots that she hates me, I'm mean, she doesn't care about me (I don't believe these to be true as if an adult was saying them - and I can say for certain I don't tell her I hate her or I don't care about her) and that I'm not upset because I'm not crying.

She is in Y1 and teachers have said it's probably a settling in reaction but I don't believe it is, not entirely. I know she doesn't like change and I believe feels anxiety from new situations, but I can't help but feel there is more to it.

Her Dad and Nan don't experience this to this level, and I believe it's because I'm her safe space, but I really am exhausted from it.

1.30am she wakes up, refuses to answer me why she is up, what she needs etc. Refuses to do what I ask ie go back to bed, and procedes to get louder and louder that I'm being rude.

I try to gentle parent as much as possible and I explain why I ask/do things but consequences when I need them are usually taking the kindle/TV away etc.

Now there are days of the week where she is helpful, polite, does everything without fight and we celebrate this. There are 2 extremes. I've had friends comment how rude she is in her manner with me, how emotional she is, and also how intelligent she is.

I am seeking professional help but for now, Mum to Mum, what can you suggest please?

From one very tired and mentally exhausted Mum!

Bump

My eldest is a bit younger than your daughter, but I'll throw a few ideas out, and perhaps something will be useful.

If you think she's anxious and struggles with change, I would try to make mornings and evenings during the week as routine and low-demand as possible. Chill-out time when she first gets home, a predictable snack (possibly the exact same snack every day), a predictable dinner that she likes (possibly on a weekly rota, at least at the level of 'pasta on Monday'?). The predictability might be reassuring to her, and if it makes her less anxious, other behaviours might improve.

Can her dad do a bit more of the morning/evening routine, just to take the emotional pressure off you a bit, or would that make her fall apart?

Consequences – I'd try to make them more directly linked to the behaviour than losing kindle/TV time. It's harder to argue it's not fair that way, although can require more creativity as a parent. Although something that might work there is if you can build in a little block of screen time after tasks that she might resist. We do this with our evening routine at the moment – if DD1 doesn't mess about, there's time for about 10-15 minutes of screen time. The more she messes about, the less time is left. It's not even you doing it, that's just what the clock says.

If back chat/hurtful comments were the main issue, I might take a similar approach with a 'if you're rude/unkind, people won't want to do things for you/with you' tactic, but from what you describe, it sounds like she needs to be on a more even keel before that would be helpful. Perhaps try going broken record on the back chat/hurtful words/etc.? 'Time to clean your teeth now' or whatever on repeat, in as calm and almost bored tone as you can manag.? I'm thinking try not to feed the drama with a reaction, but also show her that you've got this (outwardly at least) – however she's feeling that's making her act like this, you can be her solid ground. If you think she's saying the hurtful things specifically to get a reaction, I might be tempted to ignore them entirely. If you think there's some element of (five-year-old) truth to it, I'd accept the feeling, but not necessarily the behaviour. It's okay to be angry; it's not okay to scream in people's faces, for example, again, as calm and steady as you can manage.

Okay, that was long. I hope at least something sounds worth trying.

Not sure if this will work for you or if it's helpful but for the waking. I tell my 4 year old that sleep is very important so I'm not going to talk to him or respond to him and even if he gets really loud I just try to ignore as much as possible (unless he does something dangerous) after a few days it really worked and now when he wakes I just say 'sleep is important we need to go back to sleep, we can talk in the morning' and then I stop reacting. I hope this does help you