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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

4 year old ds suddenly becoming clingy any advice?

13 replies

marymoocow · 25/01/2008 13:37

Have moved this from the parenting board.

Have 3 dc, ds nearly 10, dd 7, and ds 4. ds1 and dd have never been the most confident of children but with encouragement have joined in activities and been happy to leave me. ds2 was up until about the end of November, the most confident child I knew. He was fine about being left at Nursery, and even more keen to go to school. He would trot off quite happily wherever we were.
However, since November he has suddenly started to become hysterical when I leave him. It started off where he didn't want to go into Sunday School and wanted to stay in church. This has since spread to the occasional outburst at school (including today ), and also at gymnastics which he has recently started (but has been going there since birth and knows everyone iyswim). He even did it at my parents at the weekend when they were taking him to the pantomime. Trouble is once I have gone he settles straight down and is happy - he was really enjoying himself in gymnastics last night. So why has he just started to do this, and how can I get him to stop?
Have been thinking of getting some parenting books, but didn't know what to get, and then thought that i would probably get as much sense from you all [hopeful].

So in brief (which i probably should have done to begin with ), has anyone got any pearls of wisdom or been through this with a child of his age?
Thanks

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frazzledbutcalm · 25/01/2008 13:48

i have 4dc none of whom are very confident. ds1 is now 14 and his confidence has grown immensely since starting high school. dd1 was just like you ds. She would cry when being dropped off at every activity and others houses, yet was fine once i'd gone. it tore me apart but also annoyed me
I just kept on taking her even through all the tears and she eventually did just grow out of it, at about 5.5 - 6 years old.

frazzledbutcalm · 25/01/2008 13:50

She wanted to go to all the activities and so i could never understand why she cried. I think it was just a confidence issue which just corrected itself with time and age

Original poster

marymoocow · 25/01/2008 13:56

Thanks for your reply. I agree with what you say, but I can't understand why he has just started (maybe that's clouding my ability to help him through it) It just makes it all the more frustrating i suppose. Like i have said the other 2 dc have all gone through it and still do to some extent, but they have never been really stubborn about it like he is. But then he isn't like the other 2 at all really. But that's another story {grin]

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frazzledbutcalm · 25/01/2008 14:01

Mine are all different personalities with different quirks! I can never understand how my dc have no confidence when there are so many of them in my house, friends are always popping in (kids i mean) and i take them to soft plays, park, beach etc. They play at these places fine when i'm there on the outskirts but it is obviously very different for them when im gone and they're on their own. I think sometimes their age makes them more aware of the situation and their feelings and that's why they suddenly start to worry etc.

Original poster

marymoocow · 25/01/2008 14:17

i know at the end of the day i have just got to ride it out but it doesn't make it any easier now

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frazzledbutcalm · 25/01/2008 14:29

No it doesn't. Some days i'd shout at dd telling her not to be so silly, she knows she enjoys it when she's there! It gets you down and it's so frustrating! If they didn't like it there it would be easier to cope with the tears!

MamaGenius · 25/01/2008 14:31

I don't necessarily think this is a confidence issue. My DS is very confident, almost 4 and settled into pre school very well, however he has recently been screaming when left and even kicked the staff on Weds

IMO he's testing his boundaries. Yesterday, the promise of a chocolate cake being baked, being allowed to play with a dead sheep's horn (yes, really) and a firm "no silliness" worked a treat.

I appreciate not every child is the same (and that not everybody has a dead sheep's horn handy ) but could it be that he's testing his boundaries?

frazzledbutcalm · 25/01/2008 14:32

lol at dead sheeps horn!

Original poster

marymoocow · 25/01/2008 14:48

I think he probably is to be honest. He has always been more of a challenge than the other 2 dc, and we are "fighting" many battles at the moment. This is just one more along the way. I wonder how long it will take him to realise who really is boss in this house

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frazzledbutcalm · 25/01/2008 16:49

dd1 is 8 and she hasn't realised!! We have constant battles but she still tries her luck anyway. Seems she's determined to break me not the other way round!
Life will always be a challenge with dd1, the others are all 'normal' natured for want of a better phrase.

HonoriaGlossop · 25/01/2008 17:40

could be tiredness and being overwhelmed I think. Is he at school as in reception year? Because I have seen on here so many times, and experienced with my own ds, that children can get utterly exhausted that first year at school and their behavoiour can be pretty repellent.

He also sounds like he does alot; school, sunday school, gymnastics. I know none of those things are a lot in themsleves, but all together they may just be too much.

When my ds was in reception, we did NOTHING but school - he came home, he vegged out, and weekends we kept as relaxed as possible. There weren't really playdates that year as everyone I spoke to said that their kids were zonked. playdates have only really happened in yr 1 at ds' school.

Do you think that could be on the right lines - could he just be overwhelmed?

frazzledbutcalm · 25/01/2008 20:01

I see where you're coming from Hon. Not in my case with dd though. Now she's stubborn and headstrong but at that age it was definitely the confidence issue. They're all different though so all suggestions can be a help.

Original poster

marymoocow · 31/01/2008 22:21

Quick update (thanks for all the suggestions). Ds sat with us (well stood up lots, and wriggled around, and dropped the books and sheets alot - but was quiet ) in church, and was told that we wouldn't let him go to sunday school until he was a big boy.
Today was gymnastics day. He came home from school protesting slightly that he didn't want to go, but I just made it fun and tickled him when he tried to run away. We then had a quiet moment when I asked him if he'd like a "happy, cuddly mummy today?", or a "sad, cross mummy?" (not quite sure where this came from, it just popped into my head). Any way he giggled and, to wind me up in a cheeky sort of way said he wanted a cross mummy, so I pretended to be cross. He then said "actually i want a cuddly mummy" and gave me a big hug and a kiss. I told him that to have a mummy like that he needed to be a good boy. The end result was that he went off into gymnastics, a little hesitant at the door, but with no tears, and was clowning around in there straight away . Now whilst my method possibly hasn't been particularly PC, it has worked, and he came out all smiles, and told me that he loves gymnastics.

Obviously, this time next week, I shall be updating you telling you that he screamed the gym down. But for now......

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