2 yr old ds tormenting 6mth old dd, any tips? Sorry if this has been done before...

[Groveregg]

Ds's behaviour is driving me to despair at the moment; every time I leave the room, within 30 seconds I hear dd start to cry and when I ask him if he has hurt her, he just says "Yup". This week I have caught him a) kneeling on her back b) pinching her neck and c) using her back as a stepping stone. Every time I make sure he says sorry and I've used a naughty room and this morning I put him to bed for some time out. Nothing seems to have any effect and if anything it's getting worse. He has also been really unpleasant with friends we've had round this week, yelling "Mine" and snatching whenever they play with anything and whenever I challenge him, he will get angry and either throw whatever is in his hands across the room, or hit/kick me or the friend.

I'm getting really really angry with him about all this, and lack of sleep because of dd not going through the night is really making everybody even more miserable and because I'm so tired, I can't think creatively enough to distract him out of this behaviour. I have said some really horrible things to him this week because I'm so fed up with him - so actually am not liking myself much either. Any tips?

Sympathies, ive been there. In fact DS baby pictures all show him with scram marks on his face from DD.

I think you are doing the right thing and getting him to say sorry and letting him know its wrong. Unfortunetly it sounds as if he is going through a phase where hes not happy with DD. Him not sharing his toys is a way of showing that hes not happy having to share his life with DD.

I just found that it got easier once DS was crawling at 9 months and then he became a facination rather than an annoyance. It also meant that DD could play with him(bossed him) a bit more.
Now DS is 18 months and DD is 3.5 and they play together 90% of the time. Still get the 'thats my toy' and squabbling but overall its easier and I seem to be a spare part to their games

Hmm thanks for that. Thinking about it, this seems to have got worse in the last 10 days or so - not easier like yours kbaby - as dd is just starting to get mobile and seems interested in toys more.

Bump

Dd (2+9) torments ds (nearly 1) quite often, and like you, is totally open about it. Definitely got worse when ds started crawling, which is what ALL the books say. I don't understand why, but it does seem to be true. Ds just ADORES dd, and its a bit sad when she screams at him and snatches everything away from him.

How verbal is he? Have you tried empathising with him? Showing him it is ok to feel angry about his sister's existence but not ok to hurt her.

Your ds sounds just like mine, except my ds doesn't have the excuse of a younger brother/sister

As soon as he sees another child, he snatches, says 'mine', hits/kicks out etc. I give him timeout immediately and that usually calms him down, and he will always say sorry and give a kiss. But will be doing it again within 10 mins

agh memories flooding back of my ds doing this to my dd alot! sending you my sympathies. maybe have a small box or bag of nice toys that youve already got that belong to the older child, and a couple of toddler books, and put a kitchen timer in there too. explain to older dc this is your bag poppet. baby is not allowed anything in there because she is too little and isnt big enough to play with them, not like you, you clever thing. when i set the timer for ten minutes its our time and you and me are going to pull things out of the bag and play with them and baby will just sit quietly in her chair ok (obv do this when baby is either resting or in moments of quietness!!!) sorry tone of this sounds like 'watch with mother' not trying to patronise just repeating tone i used with my ds to give you the idea, bear with me!! just to establish that your oldest dc is still special and is going to be given an alloted time of your attention every day no matter what. I know it sounds false and maybe silly, but I think the older dc needs to be given some time to adjust to babys needs. and to know that he still is a priority too. which i am sure you are already doing, and now feeling shouldnt have posted this incase it sounds different to how it was meant!! my apologies if it does at all.

yes, agree with psychobabble too. we did alot of that almost lying type stuff TBH! pretending that our ds was the only one who could settle dd with a song and 'quick come and sing it again, it doesnt work when mummy does it'. oh the lies the lies!cue my 2 yr old bellowing twinkle twinkle into small babys face!!
even now, though they are the best of friends, they still have days like this. they can really fight and argue but stick up for each other to amazing degrees. thats one of the lovely things about the privelege of seeing your dcs growing together as siblings.

Sympathies, have been about to start a similar thread. Dd (2.10) is continually mauling nine-month old ds and it is seriously doing my head in. Partly attention-seeking I think but I find it impossible not to react to it, I instinctively want to protect the baby. It's been a nightmare since he started crawling. I've flipped a couple of times and smacked her and feel horribly guilty and I hate telling her off but it never seems to sink in....I've always really tried to do positive parenting but this just defeats me .

I really need some kind of strategy to cope or at least reassurance that this stage too will pass .

Sympathies as I have ds 2yrs and ds 4mnths, I feel for you as it's horrible when they hurt each other and the tiredness makes it all that much harder.

It sounds obvious that your reaction can make it more interesting to them, but how do you react to the pinching/kneeling/stepping? What do you do?

liath, honestly, this too will pass.
dont stay feeling guilty, tomorrow is a fresh new day. tomorrow we will all be trying to learn from all the mistakes we made today! Honestly it will get easier. its natural to protect the baby from harm, but try to let your dd have lots of safe contact with the baby to lessen any jealousy. invent things that only dd can do for baby. i also used to say to the baby, so that my ds could hear 'no baby you mustnt knock down his lovely tower/dribble on his arm/ chew his book!' which was ridiculous becuase she hadnt a clue what I was saying, but my ds used to give me a pleased, conspiratory smile when i did it, like he knew he was important and i was still looking out for his interests.
this is one of the most challenging stages our family has been through yet but it also contained the best moments!