Don't know how to stop the hitting anymore

[Sillymummies123]

Our son is 3 on the dot. He started hitting us when he was about 20 months. We've tried everything over that time to stop him.

He was a very angry baby (always screaming and throwing himself back), when he because older he was able to consciously express his displeasure. The littlest thing sets him off. Sometimes it's just us saying good morning. Because of the intensity of his behaviour and violence he now pretty much calls the shots. Punishment of any kind seems to have zero effect. We once sat him on the step for an hour, the WHOLE hour he was hitting us. If we left, he'd follow us and hit us. We've tried ignoring, calm "we do not hit", explaining consequences of hitting, withdrawal of toys, shouting.

Here is a not atypical example of our day:

Toddler wakes up. Toddler plays while we get baby up. Toddler comes over and says "I'm ready for breakfast", one of us begins to say "oh, breakfast is almost ready, can you play for a little while while I finish getting baby dressed". Honestly, we'll make it through the first three words before he's shouting NO!, hitting himself, hitting toys, hitting us. The tantrums of this nature are all the live long day.

We've been firm (consequences, time outs). He is impervious but also seems to want the fight. Often he'll hit one of us and say "I hit mummy, smiling". When we've tried consequences he ultimately beats us, to the point that once, one of us physically restrained his fists, so he kicked, we restrained his legs (a kind of containment hold) so he repeatedly headbutt us. He honestly has zero respect for us.

A few points:

We believe in positive parenting. Generally, we approach discipline with a firm, but calm, no, which is more effective for him that withdrawal of toys, time outs, which generally increase anger, frequency of tantrums, etc. Because of his prematurity, he has developmental reviews. They acknowledge he's angry and anxious, but otherwise have no ASD concerns. He sees play therapist (who can't actually play with him because any attempt to onstruct him or coerce him toward playing with her is met with defiance and violence).

This morning I just wept in bed. I love him, we have the better version of our relationship at the moment. Calm love, gentle boundaries, calm voices (not to say that he ever gets what he wants from a tantrum or doesn't get called out on the violence). But I simply cannot take it anymore. For me, he will hit for evej the simplest of requests, is defiant on everything. If daddy asks him to do anything he generally agrees. I'm just lost. I'm a primary school teacher, I don't feel I'm making any of the standard mistakes like fighting with him, getting to his level, I try and provide enriching and fun play (he painted for the first time last week because any previous attempts were met with violence and shouting at the mere suggestion that he should paint).

I think it comes from anxiety. Just really strong anxiety but I also feel there's some problem with his attachment to me. I'm at my wits end and I'm creeping around like a prisoner in my own home, knowing that the slightest request or inconvenience will set him off. He's starting to rule the house because of it. There's only so many times his requests for TV and my (reasonable) "we've had our TV time for this morning, let's play trains" can be met with hitting, kicking, shouting. He acts like a child who gets everything he's ever wanted when, as a rule, the fair "no" we put in places generally stays.

Any advice is appreciated. I feel like there's a dark cloud in my home that I'm trying to love but I also feel I'm raising a horrible person

I should add that we have about 5-6 long episodes of violence a day, that the tantrums and defiance are more frequent. Some days are worse. Four days ago we were about 10 episodes In whilst visiting a relative so I got angry, took him home explaining that we were going home because he hit mummy. When home, he hit himself in the head (I found the counting a therapeutic distraction) 35 times, then hit me 25 times, all the while saying "I hit mummy again". Having spent the day being really quite hard line with consequences for actiosn (like I say, we've tried everything many times, so whilst our most effect approach seems to be the calm, we were pushed to our limit this day), I felt I had nowhere to go, so just held him, calmly repeating "are you ready to say sorry and use gentle hands?" Until he stopped (60 hits in total in). I am broken at this point. I see other parents with toddlers and it's like a stab in the heart. I have a full term 1 year old who is the polar opposite. That, and the guilt of worry whether I perhaps prefer her?, is also a stab in the heart.

Gosh op this sounds so hard, I'm no expert but I am a parent to a dc with ASD and the violence and defiance at a young age sounds very familiar, so I can sympathise. She has a PDA profile though so is demand avoidant, I'm not saying your son has ASD but I understand how hard and exhausting this behaviour is. The hitting and hurting themselves was something I found really distressing and I have to admit I ended up giving in at that point. Are the developmental reviews done by a Paediatrician? I know they said no concerns for ASD, and if your ds shows no other behavioural or developmental traits then it can't be. There are so many different types of parenting strategies out there now, perhaps try some different approaches, things like time out, taking toys away etc didn't work with dd either.
Be kind to yourself op, you're not doing anything wrong, please don't blame yourself. I'm sure others with more helpful advice will be along

Thank you so much for your kind words. The last bit was very needed. Naturally, I blame myself / devalue myself daily because I feel solely responsible for his behaviour. We attend regular toddler groups and it's so hard not to draw comparisons but our son definitely seems different. Not really interested In speaking to other children (though he occasionally will, and it's usually just to ask them to play with a toy in a specific way that he likes the toy to be played with - I once saw him ask a friend to play with a blue car 8 times in a row despite the other child politely declining each time).

I think he's different, but I teach older children with autism who seem less social still than my son. It just isn't fitting the profile for me at all. My instinct is some impaired bonding with us due to his prematurity, but quantifying that seems a meaningless task and he also doesn't really fit any attachment disorder core presentations either.

My OH has taken him out for the day and hve had our other child who has, at this stage, at least vindicated us for the challenges we had with our son at the 0-12 month phase as they are chalk and cheese. Still, I've struggled to engage with her as I'm just so down about it all. He is, oddly, not violent at all toward childcare providers, other children or family (and I place a proviso of 'yet', because I'm worried if I continue to fail him the behaviour will progress).

For anyone who reads this in the future, we saw a developmental paediatrician today and she suggests an assessment for autism is indicated. So red flags above.

Hi, I was coming on to say that he sounds very like my child at around that age, and he also has ASD. Mine was a biter (also hit and kicked, but biting was his preferred method of parent control!). The only thing I found that helped was wearing a really thick scratchy woolen jumper, so it didn't hurt so much!!

What I wanted to say is that it gets easier. Not easy, but easier. The hardest times for me were two and a half years to threeish, and his infancy (the first five months were horrendous). His violent behaviour improved massively between the ages of five and six (that probably sounds like ages, but I can assure you it's not). Please don't blame yourself

(accidently pressed post)

.......some kids are more challenging than others!

That sounds really challenging. From the example you gave of your day I wonder, if he’s predictably like this in the morning I would prioritise getting him his breakfast first job before sorting the baby. My DD went through a phase of needing a banana as soon as she woke up almost because she was so hungry in a morning and her mood always went from very cross to content after eating. I’m not saying it’s all linked to food, but a good solid predictable meal routine with snacks can have a big impact on behaviour in this age group. My 3 yr old DD would struggle to play independently first thing in a morning before breakfast, and her most challenging times are generally when hungry or tired.

If you think it’s linked to anxiety, I’d try and do whatever you can in the situation that will lower his anxiety as opposed to punishments etc - less focus on the actual hitting and more on what’s behind it. Play music? lie on the floor with him and rub his back? Sing? Tell him a story about something he likes while he’s on your knee. Go out in garden to run off steam and eat a snack. A bubble bath with his toys in. A tub of kinetic sand with diggers in Etc. try and find what calms him and builds the positive connection between you. And then when he is calm, at a different time in the day, then you can have a talk about no hitting. Its hard to get through to small children when they’re in the throes of a meltdown and I don’t think they really grasp consequences or punishments at that age. They need help from us to co-regulate their emotions when they’re losing control.

Good that you have spoken to professionals - I hope it all goes well for you.

Thanks for all your comments everyone. These strategies all sound helpful and, honestly, the ASD tendencies are so obvious to us since the professionals weighed in. As I say - we're both educators and it seems odd we didn't fully get it before. With his prematurity and the fact it's been a long old road to every milestone I think our judgement was a little clouded.

It's going to be a big move away from "we're the worst parents in the world, why does our son seem so unhappy with what we're doing / why is he so disagreeable" to "perhaps he's doing as well as he is because of all our efforts/ we don't have to blame ourselves everytime he exhibits violence, and lament over why we haven't yet been able to stop him", but already I feel a weight lifted. We aren't going to lower our expectations, but rather have more patience (with our own efforts as much as with him) while we get there. To put it simply: the utter misery and despair that failing to reduce his violence has caused us can lesson a little now that we understand he will need a different approach.

Just a query for the ASD (particularly PDA) parents who have posted: does anything help? Does it improve? I was just calm AF in soft play with him, plenty of countdown warnings to leave, and I endured (with calm words and patience) a flurry of "Nooooooooo!"s, hitting/kicking (well in excess of 100 or 200 in total) for about 20 minutes. In the end he fell off a chair while hitting and kicking me and banged his head and then he had pained cries and a brief pause before the violent resumed. I gave him space, generally tried to dodge physical attacks without comment, occasionally reminding him of gentle hands or that we could cuddle, but nothing helped and everything I said made him angrier and angrier. He calmed down (after a lot of screaming and kicking) in the car on the way home but it was a good 30 minutes and I have been in tears since.

Hi OP.
I think I just deleted my last post (in case it appears later)
I would like to say please please do not blame yourself. I do believe it's the way the brain is wired since birth. You are doing all you can do, and more. I noticed you are really hard on yourself, and I feel for you.
I have three children. Two were born as happy content babies, very easy to raise. But one of them since birth cried an awful lot and seemed sensitive to everything, this continued through his toddler years and primary school. He was extremely withdrawn and was sad and unhappy, it was very hard.
He saw a child psychologist for a few years who help him a lot so I would really recommend professional help, and you are already getting it. He has anxiety and now as a teenager can manage it very well (I hope it will continue this way). He found coping mechanisms and is so much happier in himself, and even managed to make friends. So please, don't despair!
I think you are doing all the right things and the assessment will finally help you, it will be easier from there.
Please be kind to yourself, you are a fantastic mum, really involved and caring. All the best. x

Hi. I know how tough and exhausting this is, so sending you lots of love. Please look up Yvonne Newbold / Newbold Hope Family Support on YouTube and Facebook. Her gentle strategies are a game changer. I also recommend Dr Ross Green’s book, The Explosive Child. These resources helped me learn to look upstream at triggers and obstacles rather than attempt futile punishment for my child’s behaviour. No child wants to be “naughty”. xx

So right now, if we say no to anything or try to get him to leave anywhere, we have 40 minutes of hitting and kicking and shouting NO (this word appears spontaneously sometimes 30 minutes after we've left said place). So if we manage to convince him to leave granny's house well have a sudden "NO! kick, hit kick were not going to granny's house!", then he'll hit and kick us for an unspecified time. Having tried and failed any form of discipline (which obviously didn't work), we default to ignoring and walking away but generally he calmly follows and continues his assault.

So literally - what do we do in these situations? I'm sure prevention is better than cure but we're trying! We do lots of pre transition stuff, he digs his heels in more with warning it seems. It goes against every grain in my body to allow a 3 year old to hit anyone let alone his family (and sister, who is 1, and for whose childhood I now mourn in tears)

Ignoring leads to him following us to continue the assault.

Interacting in any way makes him much worse

He isn't violent at all at family's or In any childcare setting

Instead of countdowns and warnings etc what about really positive distraction? Talk about something completely different to the situation that is unfolding - get his attention. Example from today: My 3 yr old DD was very upset about having to leave the park and walk the short walk home. Sat on the floor, cried, really resistant to the idea of leaving. After a while of this I said to her in a big jolly voice, "Right I'm going to do a wiggly bum dance. I'm going to do my wiggle bum dance up the road". And she stopped with the hysterics and watched me to see what was going on. She started laughing and I kept walking a few steps and saying, "when I turn round I want to see that bum wiggling", and she started dancing and laughing, and following me. Doing this we managed to eventually get all the way home. Sometimes you just have to completely take their brains away from the actual situation and give them something silly to focus on. It can be anything - making up a silly song, doing a funny face, moving your body in a funny way, or talking about something he's interested in. Anything to distract them and re-divert them. The trick is often distracting them enough to do what you want them to do, without actually asking them to do what you want them to do.

They want control and choices. At bath time when I want her to move from the bathroom to the bedroom, I say "How shall we walk to the bedroom tonight? What animal shall we be?" and its become a thing now where she chooses what animal we will pretend to be as we walk. Build stuff like this into your routines. Positive interaction that's playful and predictable.

Also speaking in a whisper when they're having a meltdown is very helpful in my house. Children are hungry to hear what their parents are saying and have interaction with them; they will often stop the hysterics to listen to you if you speak very quietly. It brings the energy of the situation right down, and can often stop things escalating.

Whispering, trying positive distraction, these all lead to hitting and shouting "NO!" - same with labelling feelings. He REALLY hates when we do that.

We use positive language as much as possible and praise hard when he does nice things but he doesn't seem to care much. It's like he keeps looking for anything he can find to hurt or irritate us. He can tell you what's next, so understands an upcoming transition but still fights it tooth and nail.

Honestly, our marriage is at risk now I think. DH actually seems to dread being around him now, and more than once I've seen him crying out of sight. He's really struggling with the 3 year old behaviour. The viciousness of the toddler rage, coupled with the question of whether he's NT or not has completely robbed us of any confidence. He demands constantly, usually it seems he's looking for things we can't physically give him so he can kick off. I won't go into why, but DH and I identified 3 behaviours yesterday where he quickly and actively used language and requests to trick us into giving him something. E.g he tried to put a baked bean in DH drink, so he moved it away (obv). DS then thought for literally a hot second, said "daddy? Can I smell your drink?" And when daddy passed it over, in went bean. That's some seriously quick and fairly conniving thinking for a 3 year old right? It was innocent enough- but the point is that he'd cognitively very capable of manipulation, and he doesn't seem to need any affection from us and therefore is able to really double down on the aggression. I'm also 100% that most of his hitting and shouting is forethought and not a meltdown. He does have outbursts that are emotion and those are quite easy to spot. Often when he's hitting he'll narrate "look daddy, I hit mummy". "Mummy - I kicked (sisters) chair".

Send sanity and more strategies if you have them.

I am not sure I have strategies .
I believe that there is now an hyper vigilance which your son is very much aware off and he plays with it.

Remember, he just does with you and family at home. He is not aggressive in childcare setting or with relatives. This is extremely reassuring. It means , he doesn't fit the " aggressive child" label.

Suddenly there is a lot of attention coming from all ways about anger, hitting, playing , and he goes with it.

Given ignoring / distracting and reacting have brought you nowhere, try changing the house dynamics, instead of changing what is happening over and over, try to introduce new events, something new to focus attention on.

Redecorate his room, changing the place of the bed, new bedding a new poster, a rug.... Teaching him to film with a phone or take pictures and then create albums with music ( my house, my village, my cat, how NOT to clean a house and you acting silly, ..... normal stuff, silly stuff,,,) create a plant press and collect leaves and flowers, , go to the library, pick a cooking book for children and go through recipe swith him, putting him in charge of the whole process from picking ingredients to putting the recipe together, create a vlog and talking about the toys he has , you can remove a patch of grass and dad can plant stuff with him, buy Djeco activity boxes, mazes books, ..... something really different, and if you want an extreme, foster a puppy and see if having a his won pet has a positive trait. Put him at the centre of attention without the need to hit.

You don't have to hide the plans. You can plain tell him " let's forget about this hitting, and have fun " .
He is awfully clever, great, you should rejoice at that. He finds ways around problems to reach his goal. Even if that goal isn't great such as putting a bean in a glass. That was pretty clever, and your DH could have said " that was clever, I drink to that, and drank his glass, wine and bean together. " Not the reaction your son was excepting and a way to deflate the situation.

He is creative, now try to become creative . It is time to become true to your username. Silly mum. @Sillymummies123

Excellent advice from poster above.

I am struck by your use of words e.g. that he "hates" things, that he is "looking for ways to hurt you", "vicious", "tricking us", "conniving", "manipulating", "aggressive". He is only just three, lets remember. Take care in the words you use to label his behaviour. You don't want to pre-empt him being "bad" as that will affect your interactions with him. Try and wipe the slate clean every day and start fresh. He sounds very bright and keen for interaction, with lots of energy. Look at finding ways to channel his energies.

Describe the times where he is happy / settled. What kind of things does he like? Is he showing a particular interest in anything? Can you pick up some new toys (doesn't have to be expensive - charity shops are great) that will capture his attention and give him something to focus on? Simple things such as tubs full of beads / rocks / sparkly things / play dough / marbles etc are cheap to put together and can be easily pulled out when needed. If he's bored at the dinner table then have a pad of paper and pens nearby to give him to scribble with once he's starting with the less desirable behaviours. Our family dinner conversation revolves completely around things that my DD is interested in - like silly chats about unicorns or the things we have seen that day. Complete focus on the child, because by that point in the day they are often tired and overwhelmed and need their parents' attention very much.

Does fresh air help him? I would often take my DD out on a walk round the block if it was all getting too much in the house. Just a short run around to blow off steam can really help "re-set" the atmosphere and it would help me keep my cool as well.

I recognise a lot of similarities with my child, who lashes out at me but is an angel at school. 2/3 was the worst age. I found this useful info on PDA website which you might also find useful.

www.pdasociety.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/Helpful-approaches-for-parents-and-carers.pdf

Be kind to yourself, it is really draining!

Thanks all. We're actually having a better week. My SSRIs have yet to lift my mood but they have quite quickly stopped my anxious thought patterns. As such, I find myself helicoptering him much less, giving more attention to his little sister, giving him less eye contact and not caring so much about dinner times etc.

He seems to be responding really well to this. He's also now responding much more to ny OH and now allows him to do bedtimes etc which has taken a lot of the responsibility off me. For things like dinner time, I announce that it's ready and DH, DD and I go to the table and eat. He generally appears at the same time but no meltdown without the direct instruction. He seems happier and less on edge as though expecting a fight. He has hit this week, but we ignore and it's much less frequent and very half hearted. We've also reinstated quiet time in his room and after a few days of fighting he now seems to get that we mean it and is sleeping in the day.

Fingers crossed this continues.

It goes against my toxic upbringing of parent vs child, but collaboration is making everyone happier and there are still lines in the sand e.g. bedtime, childminder etc, but much more relaxed outside of that.

Wow @Sillymummies123 what a positive update! I'm really glad you've had a better week :) hope things continue to improve. Please do keep us posted x