How do I get my toddler to understand I’m in charge?

[MagentaCR]

Hiya, new to mumsnet, because I’m at a loss for how to handle my 2yo’s recent behaviour. She keeps telling me off, using the same form tones and mannerisms I do when I tell her off, when I try to do things like change her nappy, or just ask her to do something she doesn’t like. Every parenting method I try just gets turned back around on me. She’ll go ‘no mummy stop’ and put a hand up when I try to change her, and then when I tell her she can’t talk to me like that she says ‘no, you don’t talk to (her name) like that’ and it goes on. I try time outs but she views that as me being naughty.
It’s more than just cheekiness, it’s a ‘do as I say not as I do’ issue, she genuinely doesn’t seem to understand the difference between me saying I don’t like her doing something/want her to do something and her not liking me doing something/wanting to do something else. She sees us as equals and I can’t seem to get her to understand that I have the authority to make the decisions. (I say me, but it extends to her dad and grandparents too).
It feels like it might be an issue she’s too young to understand, but at the same time, I feel like we’ve already let the behaviour take root too much and need to nip it in the bud before it gets any worse. Anyone had any success in dealing with this kind of thing before?

When you find out, can you tell me? My 15 yo has always been the same and very begrudgingly will concede occasionally that we may be able to set rules that she doesn't like but has to follow. That's rare though...

May be obvious but do you give her small choices? Eg “ok I’m going to change your nappy - do you want to read a book after or do some drawing?” to give her some feeling of control?

My daughter is very much a mini-adult and it helps. Also giving her a bit of responsibility eg if I say it’s time for breakfast and she’s dragging her feet, asking her to help me eg pour the cereal normally helps.

Also, are you modelling how you want her to speak when you speak to her? Yes you are absolutely in charge but if you are telling her she needs to ask things kindly, say please, thank you etc, are you doing the same?

No judgement - genuine question as it’s something else that helped with my little one

Thanks for the reply.
Being polite we have no problem with the rest of the time, she can ask nicely when she wants. The answering back only comes out when she feels strongly about something, which is why she then adopts my stern voice, which I just use when I mean it.

I think playfulness and lots of positive interaction is best around that age to get them to do what you want, rather than telling off. So you want to change her nappy - say “i’m going to tell you a lovely story about a horse while I change your nappy” - something that gets her attention and focus, or sing her a funny song while you can get on doing what you need to do e.g nappy change, getting her dressed etc. Make things into a game. Pull funny faces to get her attention. Whisper your instructions so she stops what she’s doing to hear you - it works. Give her a little job to do to help you.

I don’t think time outs or telling off really work at that age. It’s tiring and hard to try and put a positive spin on everything when they’re doing things you don’t want, but they crave your attention and interaction above all things. Get them laughing and enjoying themselves and it makes life easier.