13 month old won't stop smacking!!

[TrixieVix]

We're having a real problem with my 13 month old DS. He's quite a boisterous boy and enjoys rough play - being chucked in the air etc. Problem is he's now started smacking people in the face when he's picked up, or whenever he doesn't get his own way.

We don't smack him if he's naughty and just say a very firm "no" if he misbehaves, so don't know where this has come from. The only time I have smacked his hand was when he touched the cooker because I wanted him to associate the cooker with pain in case he ever tried to touch it when it was on.

Anyway, my problem is now what to do about the smacking issue. He's not generally a naughty boy, but these episodes are becoming more frequent. My MIL keeps going on about an article she's read saying that if toddlers continue to be aggressive after they're 18 months old, they're like it for good?!

Has anyone else had this problem? Any suggestions?!

Oh no! My DD is nearly 18 Months and she smacks and pinches and sometimes bites...

i am at my wits end with what to do about it - we have tried holding her hands, telling her off and now I am going to try putting her in her cot and closing her bedroom door when she does something aggressive.... ? I have never smacked or anything like that and I have 2 older DS's who are 5 & 6 - and they are very unboisterous boys - (so much so that I've often worried about them holding their own at school in the playground with the other boys play fighting etc.) So I really don't know why my DD behaves like this....

And reading that your MIL says if they continue being aggressive after 18 months, they're like it for good - I'm absolutley terrified! Help!

Hi TrixieVix. My DS is 14mths and is mainly quite content but he started smacking me and my DH a couple of months ago for no apparent reason. He hadn't seen it before as we don't hit or smack at all in our house. My health visitor said it was normal and he will be looking for a reaction and that he will grow out of it - apparently all babies/toddlers go through this stage. Doesn't mean they are nasty or violent just testing the boundaries. Saying no prob won't make any different either i;m afraid. My DS seems to be doing it less now. I got really upset by it until i realised he's not doing it to hurt me. Hope this helps!

I would ignore your MIL!

... and I would also ignore the smacking.

I think at 13 months your DS is likely to repeat behaviour that produces a response - any response, even 'no', than be mature enough to think "I don't like my mummy doing X,Y,Z, I'd better not do that again".

As an aside re: the cooker, I wouldn't bother smacking then either. Repeatedly stressing that the cooker is "hot, hot, hot" (as in 'Big Cook, Little Cook), will mean that by the time he is 2.5 to 3 he will know not to touch it, but its not as though you will be leaving him alone in a room with the oven on even then, so you have plenty of time for the message to sink in.

Trixie, this is quite hard to deal with and I'm sure you will get loads of good ideas and suggestions here.

Does your ds go to nursery? It sounds a little like he is copying this behaviour.

If you can, when he hits out, then if it is when he is picked up I would immediately put him down and don't give him any attention, babies and toddlers hate that and if you can carry it through apparently it should have the desired effect.

If he does it when he is not getting his own way, then again show your displeasure in ignoring him.....although at 13 months that can be extremely difficult.

Good luck.

MadamePlatypus speaks the truth!! Meant to say its best to ignore it just got a bit carried away with the hurt feelings i think!

Thanks for all your replies - DS doesn't go to nursery, and when not me or DH looking after him, it's one of the grandparents, so don't think it can be copying behaviour...surely the one time I did tap his hand couldn't have started it?? [starts to feel like a terrible mother!!!]

Will try ignoring next time he does it - should have tried that in the first place as I know it upsets him if he thinks he can't get my attention.

Thanks again - makes me feel better that I'm not alone!

If he hits, hold his hand to stop him and say in a bored, low, firm tone 'no hitting'. Then make sure he can't hit you, wait a beat (til it has kind of sunk in... only 4 secs or something) and then say 'can you stroke mummy instead' and show him. Make a BIG DEAL of the NICE nice stroking, ah that's lovely. And pretty much ignore the smacking - just make sure you have stopped him from doing it.

Hope that makes sense.
Don't expect him to get the message instantly, it will take a while to get through!

(PS We have always done this for biting- no biting, kiss mummy instead- and smacking. Dd is 21mths now and hardly ever hits or bites BUT still does occasionally - they are only toddlers after all!)

Yes, I agree with Madame that it is the reaction they enjoy nore than the actual hitting, which they don't understand actually really hurts until you explain it to them.
I think a firm voice- if you don't shout often- is as effective as hitting when it comes to warning of dangers.
IME/O I would leave a situation where he has hit another child as he then associates it with withdrawal of fun.
I don't really agree with the ignoring advice until they are older

PS we have NEVER smacked dd and she has still smacked so don't feel guilty. But I agree with Platyplus that you don't need to smack to get the message through - a special Danger NO is enough.

And what nonsense that if they are aggressive after 18 months they are like that for life. On the whole, people don't even have memories of being under2, and I don't like the thought that you could label a child that young because he is spirited/inqusitive.

Umlellala - think I'm just stalking to agree with you tonight! When my daughter grabs (out of frustration at the mo, I think - she's 15 months) we take her hand, stroke our faces and say, gently, gently, and mostly this seems to work. Also good for showing her how to be gentle with animals.

Trixie, don't feel like a bad mother over the cooker episode....what you did was a reaction because your precious ds could have potentially hurt himself.....it's easy to know afterwards what the better course of action would be but at the time you did what you thought would protect your ds from danger.

It's a minefield this childcare lark and it's the hardest job I've ever done.

You are doing brilliantly and that's obvious because you have posted here to get the best advice going

Oh yes, forgot the 'be gentle'. That works brilliantly! It's great because it is a positive instruction. If you purely say No something - they don't know what to do instead...

PS we did all this from pretty early 8mths or so - I do think a 13mth is very capable of understanding this!

PPS Habbibu, feel free to continue stalking and agreeing

This thread has made me feel better, my 15 month old DS seems to have turned into a fiend! He doesn't care about disapproval (regardless of what Miriam Stoppard says) and seems to regard 'no' as a challenge!

This is fab advice - I'm pleased I asked now!

The frustrating thing is he's normally a really gently lovely little boy - smacking aside!! We do the 'be gentle' thing because we've got a dog who we allow DS to stroke and he is, so the little monkey knows what it means...he also likes to twiddle my hair, and again, I do the 'be gently' thing.

I've tried pretending he'd hurt me and made me cry earlier hoping it would generate an association with hitting and upsetting mummy, but apparently the sight of me in pretend tears was amusing rather than upsetting!

Thanks again for all your replies

IGNORE MiL!!!
DS1 went through various stages of hitting pushing when he was 12-24 months and bit by bit he started finding other ways of manipulating us and getting his own way.
He will not be like this forever - DS1 is currently the victim of a bully at school he never hits this boy back.