Toddler behaviour: I don’t know what I’m doing - handhold please

[Bookishnerd]

Hey everyone
I feel like I’m failing and I don’t know what to do. I’m so low right now and I feel like I’m not doing ANYTHING right.

My DS is 2 and a bit. He was a Covid baby, born at the very start of the first lockdown. I was a first-time mum, and both me and DH live miles away from our families. I had terrible post-partum anxiety, for which I took some Sertraline. The main reason for my anxiety is that I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m not very good at winging it. Most of parenting is winging it, right? But I had no models of what good looked like, and I found I didn’t know what was normal.

My husband works shifts, and does his bit, but I’m often completely on my own, especially in the evenings.

DS’s behaviour is mostly fine, a few tantrums but nothing I can’t handle. But there have been a couple of times lately where things have been really really really bad.

1. I’m trying to get fit and healthy and so I’ve been cycling to nursery pick-up. DS used to LOVE it and it really helped me get active. We had a short holiday and 10 days or so where we weren’t on the bike. I cycled to pick DS up and he point-blank REFUSED to go in the bike seat. It was awful. I tried persuasion, bribery, wrestling, taking a break, but nothing worked. He arched his back, did that thing they do where they totally tense up so you can’t do anything with them, hit me in the face, kicked me and generally was a nightmare. We wouldn’t even walk, so I had to carry him all the way home while pushing the bike. Thankfully one of the women from nursery was walking the same way and helped for a bit, but in the end, I had to ring his dad to come out of work and pick him up as I couldn’t walk any further with him.

2. he’s got eczema and we need to get his creams on. He refuses to let me - it’s clearly irritating him, but he just won’t sit still and let me put creams on. Again, I’ve tried the gamut of activity and I’d say that 30% of the time he just wriggles away and kicks me.

3. the last few nights, in the heat, he’s not wanted to get into his car seat. The fabric has been quite hot and he doesn’t like it. Yesterday I spent half an hour trying to get him into the car seat, and ended up just wrestling him in. Today I was prepared, with snacks, funny games, a towel as a barrier and wipes to cool it down. No use. Smacking me in the face, kicking me, refusing to go in, squirming everywhere. Don’t want to, don’t want to, don’t want to. I ended up crying in the car park of nursery. So embarrassing. He only got in when his key worker came out and put him in.

So it’s a bit shit. I don’t know what’s normal, I don’t know how to get him to do stuff.

I’ve tried ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’, I’ve tried to follow gentle parenting, I’ve tried creating firm boundaries.

I don’t want him to grow up spoiled and entitled, I don’t want him to be a brat, but I also want him to know his feelings are valid and it’s ok to be cross.

I’d rather he was happy, of course, but I wouldn’t mind if he was cross all the way home. I would encourage him to feel his feelings etc. But being so bloody obstructive is really testing me.

Am I normal? Am I too soft? I can’t keep being bullied by a 2-year-old.

and please don’t shout at me, I’m doing my best. I had a tough upbringing and I’m trying not to repeat the mistakes of the past

I should say that obviously I adore him with all my heart and I think he’s brilliant 80% of the time. I love him so much

Hi, just to reassure you… you are not alone! My DS is 20 months and every time I pick him up from nursery now is a nightmare. He refuses to get in his pram, arches his back, cries etc and there’s just nothing I can do other than carry him home. I’ve had to call my DH to come meet me to help me more than once. I’ve tried picking him up in the car instead but the same thing happens when I try get him in his car seat. It’s taken 20 minutes of screaming and crying before I can get him in the car seat.

i am a FTM too and like you, am winging it. I am trying to go with a gentle approach but then I worry that I’m far too soft on him. My DH is a bit firmer and seems to be able to get him to do things that I can’t get him to do.

i know it’s hard, but I think you maybe need to try and stop seeing it as your DS “bullying” you… he’s just going through normal toddler emotions and reactions; he’s not trying to test you or manipulate you. It’s really easy to over-think all of this stuff, but if you can try and just accept that this is a phase that will pass, it will make it easier to deal with.

and definitely don’t feel embarrassed about causing a scene in the nursery car park… I’m sure they’ve seen much worse!!!

It's so so tricky isn't it. Don't feel embarrassed, we've all had awful situations like that and it's so hard to know what to do. This is what I'd do, but all children are different and sounds like you tried some of it already.

I think once toddlers start tantrumming there is no reasoning with them. When my daughter refuses to go in the car seat or pushchair I tend to just wrestle her in quickly. I think the longer you try to bribe and reason when they aren't feeling very reasonable the worse it gets. I would just stay super calm and say something like "you need to go in the car seat so I can keep you safe". If it's a pushchair I would put my knee in the way at the bottom so she couldn't slide down, try to use "kind hands" that are kind of cupped and as soon as you've got one of the straps on its much easier. She always calms down within a minute or two of being in there so it feels like the option that leads to the least stress for us both.

If I really couldn't wrestle her in I would probably end up doing some sort of stand off. Find somewhere safe for her to tantrum, keep saying the same thing "you need to go in the car seat so I can keep you safe" until she gave in enough for me to get her in.

With cream application I end up doing it whilst she's distracted and wandering around - if she's standing there's less kicking and hitting. I kind of follow her around with the cream whilst she's watching something on TV and do as much as I can before she runs off again and then repeat.

Don't know if any of that will help but hope things start to feel a little easier for you.