Struggling with my 6.5 year olds behaviour

[BusyMama22]

My daughter is 6 and some days she’s great and other days the tantrums are extreme, Iv been waiting for the terrible 2s to end! I have tried EVERYTHING literally reward charts, being calm, discussing how she makes me feel, taking things away from her but nothing seems to bother her. Obviously it’s school holidays and I’m working from home, I do condensed hours so I have one day per week off which I always do a day out and in addition I book a few half days a week to take her out and on working days I’ll go for a walk or take her to the park on my lunch break also set up a crafts table and stuff to keep her busy whilst I work but nothings enough, she had 5 days out in the last week and she wasn’t to bad at all on the days out but the second were back home and I’m making tea or tidying and not giving her attention for 5 minutes she will start moaning but it turns into screaming like ridiculous screaming the house down her telling me I’m a mean mum and she’s not my friend, she can be really nasty with the things she says which obviously hurts because I’m trying my best! This morning I woke up first and I went downstairs and she came down shouting that I hadn’t woke her up and told me that she was going back to bed and I had to wake her up nicely (she does this a lot and I have no idea why I do it other then to save the argument) I did it and she was happy we came down and she asked for ice cream so I said no breakfast first and Ice cream later and then literally the outburst started screaming the most high pitched scream shouting at me telling me she didn’t want breakfast, I finally managed to get some breakfast in her before she decided she didn’t like it and it started again! It’s little things that set her off and then she blows but it’s really difficult! She’s really well behaved at school so she can control it clearly I just don’t understand why she gets like this. Anyone experienced anything similar and can give me any advice

[Summersummersun]

My 6.5 year old DS is extremely hard work! i feel your pain.

The example you’ve given about waking her up “nicely”, I’ll say this gently but that’s ridiculous pandering to her when she is being rude to you! I would never ever pander to my DS. He is still rude and obnoxious though so hey what do I know, pander away 😜

The main problem with mine is his rudeness. He answers back like a teenager, and seems to have no respect. This evening I asked him to stay sitting at the table, he got up anyway and bumped his head on my drink that I was carrying which spilled. I told him he should’ve listened to me and stayed sat, his answer was “you should’ve watched where you’re going”. He’s full of those sort of comments and he’s also recently started calling DH and I mean, saying we don’t love him, etc when he’s upset.

I have clamped down on the rudeness and not listening (another problem) with no screen time that day but it doesn’t seem to be working, he’s losing screens 50% of the time!

He’s also not great at school, doesn’t often do what he’s asked first time. At least your DD is good at school.

[Cloudylawn]

So sorry you are going through this. Our 6 year old dd is very similar though we are a lot further to understanding reasons. For her she has huge anxiety that manifests as aggression and meltdowns. Also lots of sensory issues, at the moment around clothing but also sounds being too loud, getting wet unexpectedly etc. like your child she holds it all together at school then at home the mask comes off and we take it all. What we’ve learned is we have to deal with the cause not the resulting behaviour, it’s the only thing that works. So loads of reading books about feelings, mindfulness etc and discussing worries. We are now able to predict what things she’ll be worried about and so manage the day better so anxieties are addressed before she blows. That said it is very very hard still and we just have to take each day as it comes. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat more xx

[BusyMama22]

Thanks for your response, it’s just difficult I have tried shouting, being calm, mindfulness books, removing things and nothing seems to change at all. Really drives me mad!

[BusyMama22]

I know it’s pandering and some days I say no I’m definitely not doing that you just wake up and come and say good morning to me because pretending to be asleep is silly but then other days when I have a meeting in 10 minutes and cannot allow her to kick off if I say no I have to just try keep the peace, so it’s probably my fault for the inconsistency but it’s hard juggling working from home with parenting! I get the rudeness too, I’ll say when she’s naughty why don’t you learn and her response is ‘I know how to count I know my abc’s’ or I’ll say drop your attitude and she’ll say where do you want me to drop it and I’m just like ahhhhhhhhh 😂

[Rainallnight]

My six year old can be like this and I can relate to a lot of what @Cloudylawn is saying.

Is she at home on her own with you while you’re WFH? That is really tough for a kid her age. Can you put her into holiday club or anything?

[BusyMama22]

She is at home with me but like I say I have one day off and then I book 2 half days so we can have 3 days out a week and the 2 solid days I work I take her out for a walk or to the park on my dinner so she is getting out every day

[Mummyof287]

Sounds very like my 5yo DD....lots of attitude, attempts to assert control and boundary pushing.

Maybe she is overstimulated by being out so much.She needs time with you but maybe in a different way, such as chilling out at home reading books, playing games or doing craft activities together?

[BusyMama22]

We do stuff at home too like crafts and playing and reading or watching a film together but if it’s gets to lunch time and she’s not been out she goes stir crazy 🤣!

I was letting her stay up a little later with it being holidays but it wasn’t doing any of us any favours so I’m now back at her going to bed at 7 every night

[LongStoryShorty]

I had to read your post outloud to my husband as it could have been written by me, it’s just exactly what she’s like. it’s really hard when you are trying hard and things that seem little to us will tip her. So she does has sensory processing difficulties and is highly sensitive. I would highly recommend reading the books understanding the highly sensitive child and supporting the highly sensitive child. These are written by James Williamson and can be read in an evening. I ordered them from amazon.

it bought me a lot of comfort understanding what causes her behaviour and getting some tools to deal with it. She still has meltdowns, but it doesn’t affect me the same way and we are working at expressing feelings in a different way.

[Lilactimes]

I am a single mum of an 18 yr old girl! I remember this age and loved it.
Even a few hours self play is difficult for some 6 year olds. The day off and lunchtime company and half days may still be difficult for her if she is playing 3 hours on her own at other times. Second, do you only go over and talk to her when she disrupts your working? Do you ever go and chat with her when she’s playing quietly and reward her good behaviour with your company? It’s the hardest thing to do but effective if they learn they get attention and love when they’re doing their own thing, and not just when they’re having a tantrum.
finally, do you play on her terms? Would she rather play Doll tea parties for 3 hours rather than go on a half day out? Sometimes if you play their games on their level, not just what you think they should want - the improvement in their behaviour and happiness is massive! Good luck!

[LucyCarlyle30]

My almost 7yo DTS2 is utterly vile at the moment @BusyMama22 ! I've posted before about DTS1 - he has ASD and his own issues - but on the whole he's a very sweet little boy (meltdowns aside!) and far more straightforward than DTS2. DTS2 is just rude, aggressive and defiant at the moment, and for no reason that I can fathom; it doesn't matter if he spends all day doing things he likes and getting loads of attention, the second you ask him (for example) to put his crisp bag in the bin you get the attitude

He's at holiday club today and honestly I couldn't wait to get rid of him, he was only up for an hour before he went as well... he's just so horrible to everyone all the time and nothing is good enough. I can feel myself starting to cry as I write this as I've no idea how to deal with it!

@Summersummersun my DTS2 seems ok at school but often will come out and be appallingly behaved because an issue that the teacher didn't spot has upset him - so if no one would play with him at break or if his friend was off ill then that will set him off and he'll take it out on us. His actual learning seems on track but it's the social side of school that he struggles with.

[BusyMama22]

@Lilactimes i don’t ignore her the rest of the day I just mean I do get her out most days so she’s not stuck in all day because she goes stir crazy if she doesn’t get out…. I do take little breaks away from my laptop too and paint with her or play with her toys or play a game or whatever and sometimes put a film on whilst I’m working and tell her to sit with me. But she says to me are we going out today / tomorrow etc she says it’s boring staying in hence why i try so much to get out… one thing I’ll say is she’s always worse in school holidays I think she very much liked structure and routine. And yes I do praise her all the time for good behaviour I have literally tried everything we have some good days and some bad days it’s mainly her attitude it’s like what you’d expect from a teen 🤣

[LucyCarlyle30]

@BusyMama22 would you be able to take your DD out for a walk/ to the park first thing before you start work? I've taken the DC out at 7.30am before, when they were too horrible and squabbly to stay in the house it did give me a couple of hours' respite when they came home afterwards though, they were tired enough to sit quietly for a bit.