Challenging 3.5yr old

[Lillybank1]

Help,

At my wits end with our 3.5yr old, looking for any advice/help. To cut a long story short we have struggled with him since he was tiny, he was a very active baby crawling early, walking early, and being a very proficient climber he very much kept us on our toes.

Tantrums started to kick in at about 18 months old and just continued to escalate we seem to just go from one difficultly to the next. It has been a very turbulent time for him, lockdown was really hard working from home with a school age child and a very active toddler. We then moved house which all in all was quite stressful for all, and lastly i had an accident last year which resulted in yet more upheaval for him over the following few months.

As things stand at the moment things have been awful almost continuously since he was around 2, there is complete refusal to do anything I ask, he will shout and scream and make demands, he has now become very physical towards us hitting, punching and scratching multiple times per day. Every basic activity e.g. going to the loo, sitting for dinner, getting dressed, going out is met with shouting, aggression and now physical kick back against us. He now refuses to go to bed he will run circles round us whilst saying“ ha ha ha im not going to sleep” and we spend hours and hours and hours every night over many months continually returning him to bed, we have solid boundaries and always follow through but the challenging behaviour is not relenting if anything it continues to build. I don’t believe this can be typical 3yr old behaviour does anyone have any advice they can offer at this time? P.s. he does behave in the main for others but at home he treats it like a lawless state to which he verbally and physically fights against any intervention/ consequence we put in place. Clueless what to try next.

Nothing to offer. Not all toddlers are like this, but some (few) are. It's a temperament thing. Do you think your son is anxious? Mine is, and he is also exceptionally defiant and oppositional (and very violent).

We tried time out, we tried time in, we tried ignoring, we tried shouting, I'm sad to say I hit him once (lightly, forever to my shame, at the end of his 300th whack on my head of the day, after he then kicked and, when restrained, headbutted me).

We've found that a calm, sad "oh no. You hit mummy, that's very sad" is much more effective than any consequence. He fights time out, creating general destruction. He seems to love the fight, and if he gets angry all he wants is conflict, s for us, calm, loving disappointment massively reduces his frequency of violent and aggressive tantrums.

I guess I'm just saying - you aren't alone. It's horrible. We went on a short cruise a few weeks ago without the kids for our honeymoon. I still shed a tear most days when I think about the families i saw together with their own 3 year olds, knowing that I could never take mine somewhere like that. It makes you question whether you're just a terrible parent, but I honestly believe its just a nature factor that can be nurtured out with time and love.