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Behaviour/development

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Biting help

6 replies

loubiehigh · 19/01/2008 11:46

can someone help...our son started biting at home when he was about 18 mths old - he no longer bites us. He started biting when he started talking and the trigger was when he became frustrated because he couldn't communicate what he wanted so he used to lash out and bite. He started private nursery 3 weeks ago and has been attending 3 days a week between 8.30 and 3pm. He has bitten a few children and we obviousley feel devastated and like we are doing something wrong. We're aware it's normal but last week the nursery manager told us that if he didn't stop in a few weeks that they would stop him going. However, only 1 week after him being put on a 'behaviour chart' they have told us that he is being suspended for 3-4 weeks - giving us time to put him in a playgroup for more 1-1 observation. He is only 2 yrs 3 mths and given that he doesn't bite anymore at home it is difficult to know the trigger or to discipline him. We are obviousley very stressed about this questionning whether we chave kept him out of tis sort of childcare for too long? The nursery have made us feel as if our child is the only one in the world who's ever bitten and my hubsand now doesn't want to send him back because they've singled him out so quickly - i know it must be diffuclt as they have the other children and parents to think about - has anyone else ever felt like this?????

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Lulah · 19/01/2008 20:12

oh boy i feel for you.
My third child a boy slept most of his first year and was a super feeder a real angel every said he was a perfect baby and asked where he came from! we just dedided as he was our third in 4 years we deserved a good one!!
Howevr at 13 months he walked talked a little and bit or scratched any being he could get close to.
We tried a firm No which progressed to sitting him on our lap for a while.
Then as it didnt stop we tapped his hand (not interested in any ones views on this he is now 16 and a lovely teen!)
That didn t work either so we watched him like a hawk and if we noticed him about to strike we d scoop him up and try and prevent an incident.
As we entered toddler group i could the groans from other mums that he was there again to the point is stopped going and starting inviting friends (you find out who your real friends are!) to our house where all were asked to watch him like a hawk and feel free to swoop him up if he looked about to strike.
At about 2yrs my hubby at the time (now my ex)lost his temper when he bit a child and bit him back. He cried but them lashed out at his dad.
We decided this would nt work.
We then tried putting him in his room for a few minutes isolated on his own, he didnt like it and would say sorry to us and sorry to his poor victim.
His attacks were totally unprovoked and it drove us crazy trying to think why he did it.
We persevered with the exclusion and he started playgroup at 2 and half . we fore warned the aunties and asked that if he did bite that he be excluded from the group for about 5 mins and see how he went.
Thankfully by 3 he seemed to understand that it was bad behaviour and we only had one instance when he bit a 'friend' at playgroup.
He was a bit of a terror (painted a boys face black because he dared to put a blob of red of his picture!)but he is very bright lad
and by school his social graces seemed to be good and we had no aggressive intances except in reception he told a girl she was fat and ugly and totally upset her parents (but she was!!!).
The staff at your school should know that hundreds of tots go through a biting phase and it horrible for the poor victims but it is also really upsetting for the parents too.They should provide enough staff to watch and distract and prevent the incidents to help your child understand this is not acceptable behaviour. He is still a baby really and learning every minute of every day . Biting gets theultimate reaction every time and with my son the more placid kids who ignored him or the ones who sloshed him one back were the ones he left alone.
I was a childminder at this time and had to be so careful with the babies ,i managed to send each charge home unmarked but it was jolly hard work.

Find a discipline that works for you and in time your child will stop .
My first two children were never agressive so i never ever blamed us for his hannibal phase.

However be prepared for your child to be slightly labelled even now when i meet mums locally who attended the playgroup with my lad they often ask if he still bites but laugh about it.

good luck i am sure it wont go on for too long.

1066andallthat · 19/01/2008 20:53

OK - I have just come through this "phase" and I promise to you it is a "phase"; albeit, a long one in our case. I, finally, removed DS2 from nursery because he bit every single child and they had me in but couldn't come up with any strategy to prevent it. Not that I am judging because nor could I .

He went onto school, four months later - they start incredibly early here. The teacher was forewarned and horrified. Despite taking a chunk out of most of his class last year, he is actually quite popular - I think even four-year-olds like rebels .

It is horrible because you feel partly to blame - you are not. I bet you don't go round biting. In DS2's case, it was, unfortunately, a very effective way of communicating anything negative - so hunger, tiredness, annoyance, get-out-of-my-way, and partly, I don't want to be here. Gradually, and I do mean that, he stopped. He still occasionally uses this arm in his weaponry but it is now very unusual.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Forewarn friends you may have to do a runner, if taking him away from the scene of the crime proves helpful, or makes you feel better. He will grow out of it.

frecklyspeckly · 19/01/2008 22:49

No words of wisdom except to say i feel for you and DH and i hope the situation re. feeling embarassed and unsupported fom nursery is sorted out. I have to say I think every single child bites at some stage. My reaction to my son getting bitten recently was just to say to the mum these things happen as i could see how hurt and upset she was, i think a reasonable parent or care provider would appreciate it is no reflection on you or your lovely child. Hold your head up high when you go back. He is still so little !!

loubiehigh · 24/01/2008 11:25

Thanks everyone - i thought it was a phase we'd got out of and it seems sending him to nursery has triggered the 'hannibal' instinct again. I believe that it's the change of environment that he's testing but I can't believe the nusery have have only given him 3 weeks to settle. My hubby and I, after many conversations with other parents, have decided not to send him back to the same nursery given that they were so quick to turn their backs on him - i never even saw the behaviour chart they were supposedly starting for him. A close frined of mine works within local education and she told me she had fears we may struggle with this nursery because they don't know how to deal with challenging behaviour - they just get rid of those children - my boy's always been a live wire but not aggressive. Hence they never learn how to deal with children who aren't placid and have issues. I really feel like finding out what the turnover of children is in this nursery? Even though they only suspended him surely the disruption to his routine will only lead to him testing the envirnment again - i'm sure if after 3-4 weeks away he'd even remember being there before????

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lalatele · 28/01/2008 00:53

Hey, it is so funny, my 19 months old son is going through that stage too, and I too feel very guilty and uncomfortable about this thing especially at playgroups...he threw a tantrum tonight before bedtime and decided to let him cry and cry and cry (which in turn made me cry!)after telling him off. i don't know if it is the best solution but i have to try...
I am feeling very down as i have feeding problems with him and always get told by mil what to do (feeding, dressing, i cannot travel as ds is very skinny and travelling would destabilise him!!) and that seems to make things worse!!! Good luck loubiehigh

blanki · 28/01/2008 01:09

I am going crazy with my not so little biter!He is almost 3 and Im sure my anxiety and reaction is defo not helping, but at toddlers I am so scared of him biting another child. He bites me when cross and if I do the time out thing, he bites himself. Recently have given him a towel or tissue to bite on and not really reacted at all, walking away. This seems to have made a little difference, but we have been away and toddlers in the morning!

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