Question to those practicing 'gentle' / slow parenting

[Catladyagain]

Just to say first, I do not judge other parenting styles. This is just my own and I'm looking for others who use similar strategies. Those that draw from 'gentle' / 'conscious' / 'slow' / RIE etc philosophies.

My just turned 4 year old has - for about 2 months now - absolutely hated going to sleep. Ever since he was born, sleep has been for losers as far as he's concerned, even though exhaustion crashes down on him and us like nobody's business. And here we are struggling again on the same subject.

For ages we have laid down with him to cuddle him to sleep in his own bed. In the last 2 months he has started to say he doesn't want to go to sleep and feels 'bored' at the point we finish books. We have tried many things - tried explaining he doesn't need to 'try' to go to sleep, just think about various things (we've suggested lots of different things) and sleep will come to him; suggested he talks to his teddies; listened to music and most recently audio books etc. All has very limited success. Tonight was the mother of all emotional breakdowns following several intermittent nights of very late bedtimes.

Our rhythm before bed tends to be dinner (at around 4:45/5pm, though this can get as late as 545pm on the odd occasion), 10 mins clear up in the kitchen, play for 20-30 mins, bath (not every night), teeth, 2-3 books, pjs then cuddles. Sometimes we make up a story for him, sometimes we just chat as he lies there. We tend to be upstairs around 7 and asleep these days by 8:15-830pm.

I'd be grateful to hear what others have done at this age?

Sounds like you're doing everything right.

Even though he falls asleep at 8:30 I would still keep bedtime at 7:00 for the sake of consistency.

The last couple of nights have been pretty hot here so definitely effected all our sleep.

And the last couple of months obvs the days have been longer, which also has an effect on the kids going to bed later.

What time does he wake up in the mornings? I

You can try calming music instead of audiobooks.

Does he have a nap after lunch? That could be the problem. Maybe he wants more and more time with you, bedtime is a sweet lovely moment, you are making it just how it should be but I would do it just before the actual bedtime, I mean like in the bed around 7:30 story/cuddle/talk/read, goodnight/last kiss/light off at 7:50pm, consistently and on the dot. It gives a good routine and makes the bedtime simpler. I've set a rule with my DDs as natural consequence, not punishment, being late at bedtime means going to sleep early the next night but I think he is still too young for that.
Anyway any kid is different and it's hard to understand the situation by few row, so it's just food for thought. What worked with my DDs and myself in the ancient time was not making a big issue about it, there's a time to sleep and you need to sleep at this time, that's all.

Get him to bed earlier before he gets overtired, and a story CD to fall asleep to?
8:30 is pretty late for a 4yo, isn't it?

Thank you so much all. He wakes anywhere between 6:30 and 7:30 but often we have to wake him, so he clearly needs a bit more sleep. When we've tried earlier bedtime we've had mixed success. That's the frustrating thing - if he's super tired I will try to put him to bed earlier than 7, but it's hit and miss depending on how much he's physically exerted himself and also depending on how much connection he's had earlier in the day. The smoothest bedtimes always happen after maximum connection time, which of course I'd love to give but the realities of life make it impossible to maintain on a daily basis. He's not still napping at lunch, though gets noticeably tired at lunch. I've been hopeless at trying to enforce any quiet time. Perhaps I need to try modelling this better, but again that's so hard to fit in.

Mary that's a really interesting idea - we've often felt bedtime feels madly protracted. Thanks again