DS has just turned 6. He started hitting me and DH when he was around 2. I thought then that most children go through a hitting phase, encouraged 'kind hands', blocked his hitting, tried to redirect him. It's carried on as he's got older, and we've tried a range of approaches including sticker charts, punishments like confiscating toys / no screen time, talking to him to try to understand why he hits, helping him recognise signs that he's starting to feel frustrated or angry, talking about taking deep breaths, going to his room to calm down, counting, I've said he can stamp his feet or shout. Nothing has really worked. He hits me or DH if we say something he doesn't like, such as it's time to turn the TV off, or can you put your shoes on, or get changed.
He didn't hit at nursery and doesn't hit at school. When I ask him why it's different, he says people at school don't annoy him as much as his family do. I understand there can be an element of masking at school and letting out frustrations at home so I try to make space for this, encourage him to do activities when he gets home that can help. He often doesn't want to engage with my suggestions. DH and I are generally calm people - we rarely shout and we certainly don't hit anyone, so he's not witnessing violent behaviour, and he doesn't have access to video games or YouTube videos where might see violence. He does watch some TV with superhero-type characters in, but we check it's age-appropriate.
We now have DS3 and what is really upsetting me is that DS6 hits him as well. Often it's because DS3 is doing something that is annoying DS6, like talking at the same time as him, or saying something DS6 doesn't like. I try my best to intervene before it gets to the point of hitting, be there to block DS6's hands / fists, but I don't always manage and I can't be right there in reaching distance of them all the time, for example, when I'm driving with the two of them in the back of the car.
DS3 doesn't really hit, although he does hit back sometimes if DS6 hits him.
We thought DS6's behaviour might improve as he got older, but it hasn't and we're starting to wonder if he needs some kind of therapy or other support. (I know this is very hard to get).
Before we go down that road, it would be really helpful to sense check is this unusual at age 6, or is it in the realms of normal behaviour? It wasn't how DH or I or our siblings behaved when we were growing up, but a few people have said comments along the lines of it being normal for siblings to fight which is making me wonder if my perspective is right. I'm worried that it's starting to affect my relationship with him, and I'm worried about what this behaviour will mean for his future if we can't address it.