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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Separation anxiety in 3.8 yo- how to deal?

15 replies

pendulum · 17/01/2008 09:12

I have 2 ddS, one of 3.8 years and the other of 4 months. DD1 has been going to nursery 4 days a week since i went back to work after hewr birth, and now I am on mat leave with DD2 she is going 3 days.

The last two weeks, drop-offs have been AWFUL- she clings to me, cries, says she wants to stay with me, the whole works. Eventually I have to physically hand her over to one of the carers. I always call when I get home and am told she is playing happily (most of the time I can hear her voice so know this is true) but her distress at the point of separation is real and heart-rending.

Obviously this is connected to my being at home with DD2 all day and DD1 feeling she is missing out, although she has been fine with that up to now. I don't want to take her out of daycare fully at this pre-school stage (and on the days she is home with me she complains of boredom and whines to watch tv all day anyway).

Does anyone have any suggestions s to how I could help her through this? I tried talking it through with her yesterday but she blanked me.

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peatbogfaerie · 17/01/2008 09:57

I had this with dd2. They just aren't interested in the rational explanation - they just want to be with you. I think it was just one of those phases we had to get through, and the fact that she's happy with the carers and knows them well is a big bonus.

but still

Original poster

pendulum · 17/01/2008 10:06

thanks. can you recall roughly how long it lasted? have just read binkleandflip's thread on a similar subject and wondered if I am in for a long haul.

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peatbogfaerie · 17/01/2008 10:07

I think the only thing that helped was saying, 'I will always come and get you' or similar, and trying to be the first in line at pick-up time.

shabster · 17/01/2008 10:12

Really identified with your problem pendulum. My eldest son (now 26) sadly lost his twin when they were 7 months old. Then 10 years later his younger brother (7 yrs) was killed in a road accident. He had always had separation anxiety from the moment his twin passed away. Nursery was a nightmare as was primary school. Teachers at nursery would take a polaroid photo of him sat under the clock to show me how he quickly calmed down. I know our circumstances are different but the only thing I can suggest is loads of love, strict routine about nursery and if she cant tell you how she is feeling ask her to draw a picture about it and then talk. Some children are just more sensitive - pleased to say my eldest son is an accountant with a lovely partner and expecting their first child in June. Stick in there and keep smilingxx

2GIRLS · 17/01/2008 10:26

Shabster, how awful for you I'm so sorry.

Pendulum, I don't think you have to worry because at this age this is quite normal from what I know. It's when they get older over 5 or 6 that it might start to become a problem.
You're dd2 is only little and this might be a reaction to the new baby and it will probably settle down quickly like it does in most other children. Don't take her out though, if she plays happily as soon as you go it's usually not that she's unhappy there just leaving you is a bit difficult.

peatbogfaerie · 17/01/2008 10:31

sorry, x posted. I think it lasted a few weeks, but I and the nursery were completely consistent, and I knew she was very happy whilst there, and after a while she got used to the situation and ran in without a backward glance. It is just part of getting younger siblings, but not easy.

shabster, I'm so sorry.

shabster · 17/01/2008 10:32

think its also connected to being a firstborn, people pleaser! I think us firstborns have a harder time! By the time I got to my fourth son i almost knew what i was doing! its hard for us mums to see our firstborns go off into the world - all our energies, worries, fears etc are automatically poured into that firstborn - as more children come along we realise what to do and calm down a little. I know she will be fine - just be patient and loving. Wait until the teenage years - what a joy xxxx found that humour helps every situation.

shabster · 17/01/2008 10:36

thank you everybody for your thoughts. Its been 25 yrs since i lost baby and 15 since i lost my little lad. The saying that I hate, time heals, is very true. The more you tell your story the easier it becomes. However, it does only take a song or somebody remembering them and I'm off crying in a heap. Im very lucky tho - I have two sons living, a wonderful daughter in law and a grandbaby on the way. thanks againxxx

Original poster

pendulum · 17/01/2008 19:58

Thanks everyone for replies, sorry I have had a houseful of guests today so been unable to log in. Shabster, I can't begin to imagine what you have been through. Thanks for taking the time to reassure me x

Today I picked DD1 up from nursery and was told she has been intermittently tearful all day... I asked her why and she said "because I miss you" Interestingly she also said, apropos of nothing, "I don't want to go to school". I wonder if she has seen some of her older friends from nursery leave in the last few weeks to go up to school (Jan intake in my area) and is a bit freaked out by suddenly being the oldest at nursery and therefore next to leave (not for another year, btu still...)

She's not in again until next Tues but I plan to have a word with nursery to find out whether school is being discussed much ATM.

thanks again

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Original poster

pendulum · 17/01/2008 19:59

She's not in again until next Tues but I plan to have a word with nursery to find out whether school is being discussed much ATM.

thanks again

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Original poster

pendulum · 17/01/2008 20:00

oops sorry for double post!

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2GIRLS · 18/01/2008 11:00

It may very well be that suddenly her friends have left and did new children also start?
She may be feeling a bit unsettled and nursery is suddenly not what it used to be. Hopefully, if this is the case, she will get used to it and settle down again.

If she says that she misses you just say something like yes,I miss you too but you have such a good time there (go into all fun/good things) and atfer you've had loads of fun I'll come and get you.
She might say that she doesn't want to go to school because she doesn't like to leave you (like my dd), though you should check that all is ok there.
I'm sure it's just a little phase she's going through and even though it's stressful for you, it should pass. x

dreamylady · 25/04/2009 18:48

Pendulum, don't know if you're still watching this but interested to know how your dd is now. Ours is going through something similar though it's possible there are deeper issues afoot in her case.
I have been trying to reassure her how far away school starting is (jan intake also) but i wonder if that's part of the problem -all her friends/peers leaving to go to pre school and she's left with the little 'uns who seem much younger than her now.

dreamylady · 25/04/2009 18:49

whoops just realised this is a year old! so you won't need any sharing by now i hope.. hope she settled in OK - would be happy to hear any encouragement from you though

Barmymummy · 25/04/2009 19:08

Well I will join you dreamy! My DS also has seperation anxiety and he is 4 in June. Is much better now at playschool but still hovers by the door etc. When he started in Jan 2008 it took me 6 solid weeks to be able to leave and not get a phonecall to say he won't calm down. School is going to be a nightmare when he starts in Jan 2010 (deferred him til then) to give him some more time to mature.

He also may have some deeper issues which we are waiting to get checked out as he is very jittery and anxious in new situations.

So tell me about your little one, we can try and reassure each other lol!!

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