Separation Anxiety - is this it?

[binkleandflip]

my dd has become increasingly worried and anxious over the last year. It started shortly after the MM case was mentioned in school assembly. She began worrying about being left alone in the house or car (she never has been) this progressed to worry about being left in one room of the house whilst we are in another. Of course, this led to problems at bedtime, refusing to stay in her bedroom alone etc. No amount of reassurance made any difference, she just got clingier. Then it began to turn into worry that we would die in a car crash if we left the house - again no amount of reassurance made any difference.

Now she is at a point where she asks me at least five times a day if she will die of get killed - she tells me her heart is hurting - will I die?

I am at a complete loss how to help her but it does seem to have got out of hand now.

Can I get a referral to a psychologist through the school do you think? We have tried so hard to alay her fears in lots of different ways - nothing works - so I now feel professional help might give us tools to deal with her fears and help her relax.

I do not want her to grow up suffering these awful irrational fears any longer. She is 5 btw.

help please

we b0th took dd this morning to school - big mistake - she went in then ran out screaming and pyshically clinging to dh. I am at my wits end with this. We have parent/teacher conferenc on 28th put I'm sure I cant put it all down to school, I just think school is becoming another scary place for her to be along with home and everywhere else it seems

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, has anyone got any experience of this or advice how to break this cycle of anxiety and help her get her confidence back

my last bump for this then I will have to assume no-one can help/advise/is interested

Bumping for you.
Hope someone comes along soon who can help.

Have you been to your gp with her ? What did school say ? How is her behaviour their when you are not around ?
My sisters dd has this although she is much younger but it seems to lessen when she isn't with her despite the tears initially.

Binkle, some of these links might be useful... q&a, advice on talking to children about death, and again.

Wish I could offer good advice, but we went through a similar thing soon after DS 4yrs grandad died this summer. Constant tears from DS, not so much about grandad but more about me dying. Some kids are more sensitive. DS is also concerned about MM. Thinks she was taken because she ran away from her mummy. So difficult to explain. DS ALSO has problems settling at school. "But I just want to be with you mummy". So hard not to loose my patience with him when I hear it everyday. Has your DS started the nightmares yet where they wake up screaming because they cant find you?! Oh what joy. So sorry I cant be of any help but please know that you're not alone x

Hi, it does sound very much like separation anxiety. Most people assume that only babies have it and then they grow out of it, but it does affect older children. Usually in the older child it is separation anxiety disorder. It can be triggered by something, but in many cases thats just the way the child is, especially with more anxious children.
My dd has it, though with her she refuses to go into school (once she's there she's fine)and trying to get her even out of bed to get dreesed for school is a total nitemare!The school had never heard of it, though they have been great. I got her referred to a child and adolescent mental health unit (hope it's not as scary as it sound!!) and am waiting for the appointment.

It sounds like she has developed sa from what I have read on it.
I have a book called something like "A step by step guide for parents on separation anxiety and school refusal" I lent it to the school headmaster so haven't got it to hand, but from what I remember there is a chapter on children who cannot be on their own due to fears that the parent will die or be hurt when they are away. Not being able to be in a room on their own is a common trait as is either not being able to go to sleep on their own, or waking in the night and coming into your bed. School refusal, either like my dd not being able to go in, or not being able to stay there on own is very common too.

I didn't come across anything online that would actually help with this problem, just outlined the symptoms and then told you what it was. And when I did find out what it migyt be no one had heard of it! But that book was really helpful. I got it from Amazon i think it's by Linda Engler have a look, it's got a green cover with hands on it. The book gives instructions on how you can help her overcome her fears and most, if not all, of your dd's symptoms are covered. I will ask for it back tomorrow and I'll come back and let you know what it says.

I hope this helps you feel that you're not alone and that there may be something out there to help you, after all it must be common if there are books on it!
I have to add that obviously I'm not a professional so can't say she has anything for sure but thats what it sounds like. And it can't hurt to look into it!!

thanks so much for your replies. I am just trying to take one day at a time and reason that tomorrow will be better and be as light hearted about it with dd as possible as I dont want to reaffirm her fears in any way. Thanks for the book recommendation, will look it up.

You're definitely right to just reassure her and not reaffirm her fears. But while you know that there is nothing to worry about and they are irrational her fears to her are very real and it's so difficult to know what's the right thing to do. I really feel for you because I do know how you feel. It took for me to burst into tears in front of my dd's teacher and the headmaster before anyone took me seriously and realised that this is a big problem that had me in such a total state of stress!
Google Separation Anxiety Disorder and you'll get a good idea of what it's about and you can decide if it sounds like your dd.

Like I said I'll try and get that book back and let you know what it says, but let me know how it all goes in the meantime.

Hi binkleandflip, i work as a nurse therapist in a CAMHS team so might be able to help. The anxiety your dd is experiencing is normal for a child at this stage of development. What I mean is 5/6 yr olds who are prone to anxiety may develop fears of this kind as part of their development.

I assess kids like your regularly and it's awful for them and their parents. She's a little young for behavioural therapy and as you've said reassurance doesn't work (in fact reassurance can actually feed the problem as worrying people get addicted to it for it's immediate nuetralising effect, then then need more next time and so on).

I expect you already do this but just keeping her routine in place, stcking to the boundaries (eg if you don't already try to keep her out of your bed) gently anf firmly and pointing out the evidence to the contary such as what happened last time mummy went out? That's right she came back when she said she would etc.

Ask the Gp for a referral to child psychology, I do assess children but 5 is our lower limit and clinical psychology may have some more sophisticated techniques for you to try.

Kisses and good luck! xx

thanks peacelily, I know a little about CAMHS - I think your point that constant repetitive reassurance leads to a quick fix neutralisation of the ill feeling but does not kill the feeling itself is very true. I suppose its the same as trying to reassure a very insecure partner that you love them over and over again. To that end when dd asked if she would die, I would die and dh would die this morning as a matter of course I told her that yes, we all would but not for so long that we cant even imagine how long it will be. I said that she could ask one more time before school but after that I would acknowledge her question but not answer it again.

It actually seemed to work! Fingers crossed

as for bedtime, she went with not too much fuss this morning and went into school reasonably well. She did ask who was picking her up - she asks every day - the answer is always me - but at least she only asked once instead of over and over again as we walked to school.

Oh poor you and poor DD!

Sorry I didn't see your post yesterday or I would have answered.

I'm afraid I'm not much help but I went through something similar when I was age 9 and upwards. I'm not sure what caused it but it is very painful for everyone involved. I never had any professional help so not sure what to recommend...it did go on for a good few years though.

Hugs to you all xx

You don't need the book you are doing it all by yourself!!
But I got the book back today had a very brief flick through and peacelily's advice is spot on (prob cos she knows what she's talking about!)
You have to let your dd develop coping thoughts and constructive ways of thinking about how to handle difficult situations by getting her to answer her own fears IYSWIM.

I only wish it would work that well with my dd but the book only helped to a certain point and hopefully when we get the appointment I can learn the best way to help her, she's 7. She hasn't been officially diagnosed with separation anxiety disorder because she hasn't been seen by anyone yet so I've been searching for things that might help her in the meantime because I'm at the end of my tether and people saying that she's just attention seeking is not that helpful!
And whether she has it or not just knowing that there's something out there which sounds similar to her and other people go through it and it might not be something that I've done (!) made me feel so much better and able to be more understanding, which is not a bad thing.

thanks again for your replies. FlightAttendant, it is good to have the viewpoint of someone who went through these feelings as a child, thank you. I do remember being very anxious when Peter Sutcliffe was in the news as a child (even though we live nowhere near the area where he was) so I know where she is coming from to a degree - I still remember fretting at night that the doors werent locked properly so I am trying to use that memory to help me have patience with dd. And 2girls, youre right it is a comfort to know she is not the only little one going through this, thank you.