3 year old hitting at nursery - what to do?

[thewill]

I was told when i collected ds today that he had been hitting other children and a teacher today, and this wasnt the first time. This was however the first time id been told. He didnt get given a sticker today, as they only get thm when they are good. However he does usually get one, so i have no indicator that hes been naughty other times. I coudlnt stop to discuss today, as when i was told there was a queue of other mums behind me, and dd waiting in the hall. Im thinking that i will stay with him at the next session/few to see what is going on, but am feeling really upset that he has done this, and am not sure what to do for the best. he doesnt do it at home anymore, although he has in the past. Is this a usual thing for a three year old?

any ideas?

it's usual.

What are the nursery doing to deal with it?

You can talk to him about it, but if he is doing there and not at home there ain't alot you can do about it. It's up to them.

can totally sympathise my dd (4.2) does this more at preschool than at home although she has done it at home. She however does have other issues and is currently being assessed by Ed Psych and Paeds. When dd does it its usually when she has some sort of meltdown rather than just for the sake of it. Don't really have much in the way of help other than preschool have created a little corner where she can go to calm down (bit like time out but not a punishment iyswim) If he's ok otherwise try time out etc for him (doesnt work for dd in terms of learning her lesson!) How did you deal with it when he did it at home - can nursery adopt the same technique?

well today is the first ive heard, i thought that they were supposed to have no sticker when naughty but hes still had one. i think i will have to go in and see what happens. im worried about it carrying over to school when he starts in sept.

thanks for you replies. at home hes removed from the situation till he calms down and apologises. If he carries on then a toy is removed (usually what he was playing with at the time). hes been so good recently, i think thats why i was so upset, i thought he was being such a good boy.

bump

i know what you mean regarding being upset because they've gone through a good period. In my experience hitting at home anyway has been a phase whereby we can go months with no hitting and then have a phase of it again! Good luck andi'm sure it will sort itself out.

thank you, its good to know were not the only ones

Aw will

He is 3

At this age, it IS normal. There is nothing odd about it at all. Its also very common for a child to behave differently at nursery to at home.

The only thing I'd say is that if it continues, there might be something that is not working for him here. My dd hits her big brother if she is being ignored by him. Now obviously this is something we deal with as and when, but also, it is a situation that we can often head off anyway.

Ds used to hit occasionally when he was feeling over-stressed, and especially when there was too much noise. Idea of corner thus good.

thanks for reassurance candlmummy. i will go in tomorow and see what is going on, and hopefully find out the problem. i think i also found it upsetting because of the way it was approached, but hes been so good all day, i know hes not really that naughty, like you say, maybe theres a trigger or something.

thanks for reassurance candlmummy. i will go in tomorow and see what is going on, and hopefully find out the problem. i think i also found it upsetting because of the way it was approached, but hes been so good all day, i know hes not really that naughty, like you say, maybe theres a trigger or something.

I don't think any of them are that naughty, at this age tbh. And I tend to see hitting as a bit of a cry for help. I mean, its unacceptable etc, of course. BUT if its a persistant problem, I think it shows that there is something wrong somewhere, not that a child is naughty.

I mean, I know there are parents who encourage it, eg by telling their kids to hit, fight back, etc-but we are not talking about that situation here.

good luck with it!

At the age of 3 I don't think it even has to be anything as serious as a cry for help- lots of children simply haven't got the emotional maturity to understand what they are doing or to feel that level of caring towards a strange child. The nursery should have a strategy for dealing with this, I doubt it's the first time.

thats a good point cory. im also aware that other do it at the nursery, im sure they must have a strategy for dealing with it, but maybe it just isnt the right way for him. im hoping to be able to suggest ways of them dealing with it

I think its a cry for help, as in there is something not being resolved and they haven't got the verbal skills to describe what they need

I don't mean cry for help in any dramatic sense of the word. Just that they are expressing a need, and it could be helpful to try to work out what that need might be.

Message withdrawn

Agree with pruners.

It's generally the inability to be able to express their frustration. Preschool staff can help him by modelling difficult situations though play to help them (becuse it won't just be your ds!) to sort out disagreements over toys etc.

He probably wouldn't do it if you were there as he'd expect you to fight his corner!

I have just got back from nursery this morning where i had a good chat with the supervisor. Ive explained how we dealt we deal with things at home and she is going to do the same. She said he has a reluctance to finish a task/tidy, and gets frustrated at being told to do this, I said i would give him a five minute warning before something is going to happen, and she will do the same now. She also said he is by no means the worst, and its nothing to worry about. Having watched everyone today its easier to understand why he gets frustrated, and i also feel much less worried. Ive asked to be told if he does anything hes not supposed to, so i can talk to him about it too. It isnt the big deal i came home thinking it was yesterday, so feel much better for going in. thanks again for all your comments, its reassuring to know this is normal three year old behaviour.

Glad you felt reassured thewill. and don't feel bad if these things are raised; ALL children of 3 have difficulties and challenges in dealing with eachother sometimes, they can't learn socialisation without learning, IYSWIM!

And also, leave it to the nursery to deal with. You can only deal with him at home so don't feel a pressure to 'sort' it somehow - that's up to them. And you've dealt with it perfectly, anyway already. I'm a bit surprised tbh that the nursery staff weren't giving a few minutes warning of change of activity already; it just seems common courtesy to me, to do so. At least they will now anyway. Well done for sorting it!

The OTHER thing is that, I kind of think, most kids do seem to need to go through something like that at this age. This might not be especially logical, but its what seems to happen to the kids I know.

So those kids who were perfectly behaved at 3, hit a sticky patch at 4. The absolute worst behaved at 3 are often the best at 5.

I don't have much of a theory as to why this should be, though I wonder if it is those kids who hit at 3 who are perhaps in fact more socially inclined? And those kids who aren't hitting are perhaps just less inter-connected with those around them?

Am very glad you are feeling reassured. The main thing is that hitting at 3 does NOT correlate to GBH charges at 19-honestly!

"And those kids who aren't hitting are perhaps just less inter-connected with those around them?" I cannot believe you wrote that!! Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but need to tell you our story. Although apparently "normal" behaviour, another 2.5-year old child hitting my daughter has caused her a lot of anxiety, sadness -and bloody marks on the face. It's absolutely horrible, we know a lot of 2-3 year olds and this little girl is the only one behaving violently. She's absolutely adorable when she's not slashing out and her mum is my good friend, however, I have had to avoid going to meet them with my daughter as the fist in the face comes totally unexpected in the middle of the play. And all you ladies who say this is normal behaviour should see my little girl who gets tears in her eyes when she talks about her friend hitting her again. Scariest thing about this is that it's totally unprovoked and unexpected, can you imagine sitting down, relaxed with your friend not knowing when she will turn to you and hit you in the face? That is what it was like for my daughter, last time she was so shocked about the punch she cried so much she threw up. And if you think a 2.5-year old cannot hit hard you haven't seen this girl, it really breaks my hard to see it. At times our daughter does behave badly like any other child, has her tantrums, screams and yells, but no, she is not violent. She goes to Montessori pre-school and really thrives there, is loved and loves her friends, so we are not talking about "socially less inter-connected" child. Quite the opposite, when she has friends over, e.g. this girl who constantly hurts her, she makes sure their get cookies first and proudly brings them her toys to play with. Sorry this was long, just wanted to give one voice for the receiving end of violence, however cute 2-year old violence. Normal it might be, but never acceptable and in my mind absolutely not a sign of more "socially inclined" child.

I absolutely agree with aiti72. We are currently very worried about a boy who is a constant bully at nursery. Our daughter (2yrs) is very wary of him although doesn't seem to have been hit by him yet. We have witnessed him (he is 4) hit other children, and very hard. We have another 6m daughter starting nursery very soon so are concerned that she may be hit by this boy too (at the end of the days the children use the same room).
The comment that the kids who aren't hitting are less interconnected is ignorance and making a poor excuse for bad behaviour. Accept that hitting is bad behaviour, parents need to work with the nursery to form a plan that works at nursery and at home to cut this behaviour out. It is happening for a reason (lack of attention at nursery? Too much attention reinforcing the bad behaviour? being bullied themselves?) but that reason needs to be discussed with parents and nursery staff together. It is no good at all to say at nursery/school it's out of my hands and not my problem. The person who originally posed the question seems to be working down the right route (ie working with the nursery) but some of the comments along the way seem to almost be excusing the bad behaviour just to make that person feel better.

Hi 'thewill',

I have just read the initial msg that you posted on 15-Jan-08 and your story is identical to mine. My 3 year old little boy is hitting (and biting) at nursery, something he did at home too although this has more or less stopped now. I feel as though we have tried everything, we put him on the naughty step, we throw 'treats' he has been given into the bin, we constantly speak to him about it, we try to reason with him, we constantly cuddle and tell him how much we love him. I am at my wits end as I am very upset and worried for him. I am also upset for the other children that he hits because I think it is completely unacceptable. I know he is only 3 but this happens far too frequently. Today we were told that he hit 13 times and I felt at a complete loss at what to do.

Has your child's behaviour improved in any way?

By reading some of the threads, I feel that other parents who haven't experienced a child who hits so often, really don't understand how this makes you feel as a parent, especially when you care about your child so much.