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Battle of Wills

10 replies

Chinchilla · 31/10/2002 23:06

My ds is 15 months, and for a few weeks we have been finding him very strong willed. He has this 'thing' now of putting toys onto our wooden floor. We ask him to put them back onto the large rug that we generally play on, and sometimes he will, sometimes he won't. It all started because my dh is obsessed with not scratching the floor, but is now a matter of principal.

Anyway, tonight, as I was getting ready for my evening class, I heard ds wailing whilst playing with dh in the lounge. I went downstairs, and discovered that ds had deliberately put a toy onto the floor, grinned at dh, and crawled off, ignoring dh's instructions to move it back onto the rug. My dh said that it was obvious that ds knew what he was doing, and that he was testing him. The situation reached the point where dh would not let ds play with any of his toys until he moved the offending toy onto the rug! Ds was equally adamant that he wouldn't, and tried crying, offering dh kisses and cuddles etc etc.

My dh would not give in, and I had visions of them still being there when I returned! As it happened, the toy was still on the wooden floor, and dh had decided to give ds his bath without having any more playing before bed, so it was kind of a draw! Anyway, the point of this thread is to ask at what point you can reason with children. Ds obviously knew that he was doing something that he shouldn't be doing, and was testing my dh's reaction. However, should dh have ignored it rather than labouring the point? Ds can't talk, but can understand a lot, but I don't know if he is intelligent or old enough to understand this type of punishment for his actions.

Comments from experienced mums/dads would be greatly appreciated! I don't want to scar ds for life!

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Tinker · 31/10/2002 23:09

Hmm, I shall be watching this thread with a lot of interest!

Azzie · 01/11/2002 06:05

Chinchilla, your ds obviously takes after his dad then .

IMHO (speaking from the experience of 2 strong willed children) at 15 mths they can start pushing the boundaries, but they're far too young to reason with. Given what the next 18 mths-2 yrs are likely to bring I think you and your dh are going to have to decide what battles are worth fighting and brace yourselves . At nearly 3, dd and I still have some terrible battles over what are quite trivial things - afterwards you think 'was it really worth having all that fuss over X?', but once you've laid the law down you have to stick to it or lose control, and you can't always tell when you start what is going to cause a problem. (Sometimes it seems to me that dd spends her entire life engaged in a power struggle with the world, and will make an issue of anything if she's in the mood for a fight .)

I'm afraid that it will be quite a long time before reasoning with your ds becomes possible. However, as his memory improves then threats become gradually more effective, because you will be able to remind him what happened last time. I think my main point, though, is that you are going to have an infuriatingly irrational but very determined little person living in your house for the next couple of years. Toddlers back themselves into corners where they just can't give in without a fight, however much they end up upsetting themselves - it's all to do with trying to gain some control over their lives, and finding out what power they have. You and your dh have to decide what rules cannot be broken and stick to those whatever (your ds needs to know who is in charge!), but also try and decide what is worth fighting over.

Hope this isn't too depressing for you. It always amazes me how brave they are facing up to someone so big and powerful - and how secure they must feel in your love for them if they are prepared to do it .

WideWebWitch · 01/11/2002 07:39

Chinchilla, no time to write much but my first, honest reaction is: give it up about the floor! Um, it is unlikely to stay pristine! Children rarely know what constitutes a playing floor and a purely walking on floor Sorry, I know the point is about reasoning and the age at which you can reason...agree with Azzie, 15mo is too young to reason with in this way. Once he is older, yes, choose your battles carefully. Might write more later if I can.

philly · 01/11/2002 08:39

Its a good game isn't it;put toy on floor -immediately get lots of attention in fact I become the centre of attention,it's just a very good game to him a bit like putting shapes in a shape sorter gives attention,my own approach for whats its worth would be just to move the toy back without any comment but give lots of praise if he puts toy on the rug,thereby removing the fun element.

Actually though I think that if you cannot make this room a child free one then you are just going to have to chill out about the floor,or carpet it!It only gets worse in terms of toys,especially with boys!

SofiaAmes · 01/11/2002 09:15

www has put it perfectly. The testing boundaries and pushing only gets worse from here on in. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES! or you will be exhausted and get nothing accomplished. I have a very scratched wooden floor (newly done about a year ago) which will be redone when ds hits 3 or we move (whichever comes first). I've chosen to work on not throwing food on the floor while eating and saying please. I've had moderate success with both. You can't reason with a 2 year old.

kkgirl · 01/11/2002 11:01

SofiaAmes

I'm laughing my socks off about your comment about redoing your floor when ds is 3!!!
My kids are 8 and 6 and we can't use our dining table because of my dd creativity. She constantly has it full of her art and craft, sticking and painting.
I can't imagine us having anything new until they leave home!!!!!

aloha · 01/11/2002 14:22

Do please give up on the floor and the fight. The more your ds realises he gets attention for putting toys on the floor the more he will do it. Anyway, I thought the whole point of a wooden floor is that it is child-friendly! I'd much rather have a stressfree life than a scratch-free floor - but then I have very battered looking stripped floorboards and rather like them. I really think your dh is expecting far too much from such a very young child. They can't be reasoned with yet and just because they look to you for a reaction, it doesn't mean they understand what or why they have done something 'wrong' - they just want to see what happens in a kind of spirit of scientific curiousity. If your dh is determined to preserve your floor (a lost cause IMO) it is better just to calmly move things on to the rug, and give praise when ds does so too, and don't react when he puts things on the floor. Frankly though, I wouldn't consider this worth fighting about. You probably feel in the middle of this though. Try to encourage dh to lighten up!

WideWebWitch · 01/11/2002 16:41

Sofiaames, hope you are now managing to eat your supper without throwing it on the floor...whilst always saying please to your DH

sobernow · 01/11/2002 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chinchilla · 01/11/2002 19:31

Thanks for all your responses. I will show this to dh, and hopefully 'we' can lighten up a bit! Having said that, I think ds must be advanced for his age. All day, if he did put something on the floor, and wouldn't get it again, I started putting his toys away, and saying 'right, no more playing', and he immediately went off and got the toy (and lots of praise!) Child prodigy...or maybe just coincidence?!!

I am just concerned that we (well, dh) are too strict with him. I don't want to inhibit his imagination, or create a tidy freak child. I am happy to a certain extent for there to be a complete mess, and just tidy it away at the end of the day, but dh is a bit more of a control freak about things. Maybe it is HIM that ds and I need to train

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