unhappy 3 yr old feeling pushed out by DD2 - doesn't want to go to nursery

[NottsMum]

DD2 was born 11 weeks ago and even though my DH and I had done as much as we could to prepare DD1 for her sister, it's still been rather a shock to her that she has to share her parents now. The first 2 weeks she was very cross, upset easily and needed constant reassuring. Up until last week she'd settled down, more or less accepted that her sister was here to stay but was generally happy most of the time. However, last week, after recovering from a nasty bug she's been very upset. Back at nursery she was very tearful and needed lots of hugs - she told them it was because she didn't like her mummy being at home with her sister. This weekend I've spent as much one on one time with her as possible and yesterday, she told me very matter of factly that she didn't want to go to playgroup as she was unhappy and would I stay. She was really quite grown up about it (not like her at all!) and was clearly very upset. We had a chat and I knew that if I forced her to go it could make the situation a whole lot worse. I'm not intending for her to miss any more playgroup time so I want to prepare myself for how to deal with it next week.

DD1 also goes to nursery 3 times a week and today (as we'd expected) she kept saying she didn't like it and didn't want to go. DH and I explained that she would have much more fun there than staying at home and her little baby sister didn't get to do anything like that - in fact mummy would be bored! She left the house still saying she didn't want to go so I told her that if she smiled and promised to be happy today then she could have a couple of smarties. Needless to say she had the smarties which did cheer her up. I've also pre-warned nursery that she's unhappy at the moment so they're fully prepared to help deal with the situation (they are fantastic).

But I'd really like to know what others have done in the same situation as I want to make this as pain free as possible for all of us. I've searched through the archives here but not found anything v. helpful.

I'll just add that DD1 is not at all nasty to DD2, in fact can be way too enthusiastic in giving her hugs and kisses. I know that part of the attention she gives DD2 is because she wants to but I'm sure lots of it is because that we do too and she wants to do the same as us. I'm also constantly telling DD2 that she's very lucky to have such a great/helpful/clever/big sister, etc etc and reinforcing that when she's a big girl she'll get to eat/play/do all the nice things that DD1 can do which she can't.

Phew - sorry, this is a bit long but hopefully some of you could give me a few pointers.

Sorry no ideas but i'm bumping this for you. Hope you get it sorted soon

Am in a similar position with 2yo dd and though am afraid that I'm also needing advice rather than able to offer any suggestions. However the change does not follow the birth of a new sibling but is since I reduced my hours at work in October specifically to spend more time with her.

DD used to attend nursery five days per week and everything was fine. Indeed on many occasions she would go running into the room without even saying goodbye. Now we only have three mornings to worry about but have a real battle on our hands just to get her dressed with her constantly saying that "I don't want to go to nursery". There can also be major scenes when she is dropped off.

According to the staff, she is fine within 5-10 minutes of me leaving and she is always playing happily when I collect her. I have also used our bathtime chats to make sure that there is not anything specific that I don't know about that may have caused her change of mood.

It's breaking my heart to see her so upset, particularly when she had been fine before.

Have tried various techniques but am running out of ideas. Is this to do with my part-time hours or is DD excerting her authority as part of the "terrible two's"?

Hiya. It is a really tricky situation! My dd was at nursery when i had ds (dd was 2.6 at the time, ds is now 5 months) We took dd out of nursery when ds was born so that she would feel like she was missing out or being replaced as we were sure she would!! She was actually very good, like yours, in that she was very helpful and very 'motherly'! Although like you say sometimes a little too enthusiastic!! She has now gone back to nursery (only since the last couple of weeks) as she now realises he's here to stay and the novelty has worn off! I take ds into the school with me and get dd to kiss him goodbye and I always make sure that he is with me when I pick her up and tell her that 'Finlay has come to take you home, he's been looking for you to play with' - makes her feel a bit special and seems to do the trick! I'm sure your dd will be absolutely fine and settle into things. Would you consider keeping her home for a while?

Nottsmum, my situation sounds so similar - dd is 2 and a half and ds is 11 weeks. DD still pretty upset about having a sibling (though she ls good with him, like your dd1). She is just generally upset (and has also been poorly with a virus for ages and has been SUCH hard work). It is so heartbreaking, isn't it? I have not advice, I'm afraid - just wanted to say I know how you are feeling. Feel as if I'm being torn in two most of the time. Things have improved since ds started going to sleep in his cot at 7pm though (last week). Means dd and I (and dh when home) can have supper, bath and lovely snuggly bedtime together without bub attached to my boob. DD loves it. Good luck.

hi dinny, hows the pushchair?
glad to hear baby is sleeping at reasonable hour

DD1 came back from nursery tonight very proud of her picture she'd done of her and her sister in a space rocket! (DH made it with her last night.) Her nursery phoned me this morning to let me know that other than a few tears after DH left she had been absolutely fine and was very smiley, so I felt much happier. When she arrived home tonight she was entertained by a close friend who she hadn't seen for ages, so I didn't interrupt and was able to feed DD2 without her being bothered at all. After our friend left DH and I spent 15 mins playing tickle games before her bedtime which she loved. So today has turned out much better than I'd hoped, although I expect we may get a repeat performance of "I don't like nursery" tomorrow morning.

Thank you for your kind words Dinny. Unfortunately, at bedtime I don't get to spend much time with DD1 as she goes to bed at the same time as DD2. We had to bring her bedtime forward as since her sister's arrival she's been getting up earlier to get into bed with us for a cuddle - something she stopped doing over 6 months ago. Losing up to 45 mins sleep had a knock on effect of making her really tired by late afternoon and v.v. grumpy! So unfortunately, after I've fed DD2 I don't get much chance to spend with DD1 on her nursery days as DH is getting her ready for bed. (Although tonight DD2 fed really quickly so I had a chance to spend some time with DD1.)

Thanks for your suggestion Zephyrcat but we can't affort to take DD1 out of nursery as there's a huge waiting list (nurseries are in massive demand where I live) and neither can we afford to lose £400 a month. However, you have made me wonder whether I should collect DD1 as my DH has been doing it 99% of the time because DD2 fed at that time. But as of yesterday DD2 has dropped this feed so it would be much easier for me to do the nursery run without rushing like crazy. (It might even entertain DD2 who is very crotchety between 5-6pm!)

I'll let you know how things pan out.... (and I've also unearthed a couple of toddler books I bought a few months ago which on a quick flick looked like they might contain some useful suggestions.

Things will settle down, Nottsmum - love the picture she did. V sweet. Keep us posted.

Stitch, keep meaning to mail you - pushchair is fab, thanks. DD loves it and so do I - it is so speedy.