Talking about death to 4 year old

[Emparade]

My 4 y o dd has suddenly become very interested in talking about death and dying- cheery little soul! No one is sick or anything t g, but she is geting anxious about dying and not seeing anyone ever again. Also needing lots of reassurance that loved ones are not going to die etc. Has anyone else experience of this and how did they deal with it? We are non religous so talk of heaven is out.

I think they all get curious about this at this age. DS is nearly 5 and has been asking a lot of questions over the past year. My mum died before I was born so he was curious why I only have a Daddy.

We have explained that children grow up to be adults, have jobs, families, retire, get old and die. Then they are buried in the cemetary and people take flowers to them. (An elderly neighbour died a few months back and he asked to see her grave)We have also made it clear that dead people not coming back.

So far no untimely deaths of close friends or family have perturbed this. Will cross that bridge when we have to.

HTH

My 4 yo has also been going through this. We get lots of "I don't want to die' and "I'll cry when you die mummy' and 'is nanny going to die soon?' etc etc.

Someone on another thread told their l.o. that people only die when they're ready - I think that is quite a nice softener because it is often sort of true with natural deaths. That seems to help. Like you, we haven't mentioned heaven or anything - but she seems okay with the reassurance that most people don't die until they very old, that it is very peaceful and that people die when they are ready.

The only thing we do get is that she can then list all the people she considers old (which to a 4 year old, includes me!) and asks whether they will die soon because they are old. Thanks!

My sister, aged 4, once said VERY LOUDLY - 'Mummy, that man's smoking, how come he's not dead yet?'

I think it's a phase. All sounds like good advice - there are also books about dying you can get from the library specifically aimed at small children.

My DD (4) asked me if people get born again after they die. Naively, I explained to her about the theory of reincarnation. So then she said "well can Daddy die so we can have a cat" (he is allergic to them much to DDs disgust) When I said that would be very sad, she said, S'ok, he'll come back again. Doh!

I have taken a more straight down the line approach on the subject since!

DD 3, is in a similar phase. Our cat got run over and we just said that the vet couldnt make it better and she died and now its in heaven in the sky playing but once you go to the sky you cant come back down.

She seemed to except this.

Emparade, I was most put out when ds's nanny told him her blasted gerbil had died and gone to heaven. Because I wasn't sure I wanted to introduce heaven as a concept and I thought it was a bit much to assume that was what we thought. However, I decided to leave it rather than get into heavy philosophical debate with a 2.5yo at that exact moment.

And the thing is, it turned out to be a jolly good move because when our cat died a year later, ds reassured himself that she was in heaven, playing with the nanny's gerbil (poor bloody gerbil but chose not to argue that point, either ).

We have ha, sadly far too much experience of this of late. Dd is 11 and ds is 7. My dh is dying of cancer, thankfully rather slower than he was originally.

the advice that we have been given is that you need to be honest with them, answering the questions that they ask, but not rushing anything.

that way, when you reassure them that, in spite of eveything, life will go one etc, they can trust you.

I have been astonished how resilient they are, dd fully understandsm ds is still in some denial

hello, yes 5 year old DS has been thinking about death lately and not wanting to get like grandad and not wanting dd to die - we thought it was just maybe a general anxiousnes but the timing for them thinking this through after asking around, seems almost universal. Dp cleverly related age and death on the frets of a guitar, old age and death being near the bottom! Elkat, I do like the idea of explaining people dying when they're ready - its a very gentle explanation.

Like martianbishop, this is a question we've had to deal with. When dd was about 5, a close family friend of our own age committed suicide, and her grandad died (easier to explain as he was old). Grandma has also struggled with cancer for many years. Last year ds's sports teacher was murdered, earlier this year a boy from their school was run over and now their best friend's mum has terminal cancer.

So the line that you die when you're ready is clearly not helpful, as being manifestly untrue. In order to support their friends, my dc's (now 7 and 11) do have to understand and accept that this imminent death is not something anyone feels happy about, it's not because their mum is ready and wants to leave her children. And obviously it would be directly insulting to suggest that a 20-year-old actively wanted to be shot down by her jealous boyfriend.

I think in this situation, they would resent it if I tried to soften things too much. What does help them more is seeing adults suffering and yet trying to meet the situation with dignity- I have pointed out how much my friend does to give her children a special time and how happy people around are to support the family. So in a way, I concentrate on the positives, but I define those as taking the opportunity to show people your love while you can.

I have found it helpful to say that we don't actually know what happens when somebody dies. I've told them that some people believe you go to heaven and that people see heaven as a place where all the things that make you unhappy on earth are taken away ('what? no sauce!!', exclaimed ds, who hates Bolognese). Some people believe you just go to sleep. I've pointed out that their Dad and I hold different religious beliefs, but that death is just one of those things that you can't know about. I have also found it helpful to admit to them that even if, like me, you are a Christian, it still hurts a lot to lose somebody through death.

That's a very thoughtful post Cory. I agree that when the subject of untimely death does come up all questions should be answered as honestly as possible. My parents told me (age 7) that a teenage friend of the family fell off a cliff and I didn't find out he had deliberately jumped until I was 16 when someone mentioned it assuming I knew the full story. I was really cross to have been 'protected' in this way.

But for the OP whose 4 yr old who isn't faced with untimely death, it would be a bit TMI to into the fact that people sometimes kill themselves, each other, get terminal diseases in the prime of life.

So very sorry for all the posters and their families who are having to face this kind of thing.

Thanks all. Some good ideas for approaching a tricky subject. Have bought goodbye mog which made me cry and this has helped as a springboard for discussion. Glad to hear this is common at this age. Was worried I was raising a wednesday addams!
Best wishes to all those having to deal with this issue 1st hand.