reassurance for a first time mum? is this degree of separation anxiety common???

[armyofme]

Hi all. Ok i'm probably worrying about this unnecessarily, and i'm sure this is a stupid question, but i'm going to ask it anyway just to set my mind to rest (hopefully). My 7mo dd is showing quite intense separation anxiety at the moment which seems pretty much inconsolable, but only in specific situations. Basically i'm wondering if this is something that all little ones go through, or if i should be worried....

She has been going to the creche at my gym since she was about 4mo, and initially she was fine with it, tbh i didn't get a backwards glance! Then she had a bit of a bug and so she had a break from the creche for a few weeks and went back when she was 6mo. Since then she has been several times, and each time she has been inconsolably crying pretty much for the full hour, and at times the staff have needed to call me back as she's been so upset. There doesn't seem to be any other explanation for it, as she is not hungry, tired or thirsty, and she settles when she is back with me and is fine and back to giggling and smiling within half an hour. She also got like this when her auntie looked after her for a few hours recently, even though she has been looked after by her at various points since she was around 1mo.

The reason i'm posting is that i will be going back to work within the next few months, and she will be starting nursery in February to get used to it slowly. But i am now incredibly worried about leaving her. If she is like this for one hour, i can't imagine how she is going to be for a full day. Can anybody tell me if this is common in babies this age? I know separation anxiety starts around now, but i really didn't expect it to be this upsetting! Any advice/reassurance would be very much appreciated. Thanks

take her out of the creche she clearly hates it

see how she goes at nursery (usually much better staffed than gym creche)

yes seperation anxiety very common but never solved by pushing on with soemthing they hate IME

Sounds normal but distressing for you . You might well find nursery is absolutely fine - DS started with a CM at about 9 months with no problems. If I leave in the morning for work and he's with his Dad (who works from home) he screams blue murder, but when I've dropped him off at our CM's house he doesn't notice when I leave!

but yes ditch the creche I think. Is there any other way of getting to the gym without using the creche? That's another thing that'll be easier when you go back to work.

and look for a good childminder...sensitive babies are much better with them than in nursery

enid & effie - you have confirmed what i thought i may have to do, drop the gym for a while. i really don't want to persevere with it if it is going to make her unhappy (and me obviously, i cried last-time!), but i wasn't sure if this was something that would dissipate with time. unfortunately the only other time i can really get to the gym is on an evening when dp is home, and usually by then i'm so tired i can't face it! the main reason id started going again was to boost my energy levels, as i find lack of sleep really wears me out for the day. maybe i'll have to up my caffeine intake!

I am starting to get a bit concerned about the nursery though, even though the gym creche is probably less well staffed, i think she always has one-to-one for the whole hour as they're trying to calm her down

yes enid, i think you may be right about the CM. i guess if she doesn't settle well at nursery that will have to be an option. there goes my deposit!

Don't necessarily ditch the nursery if you have heard good things about it. I seem to recall that dd also had seperation anxiety about this time, but was fine with nursery, because she went there regularly so got to know the staff and saw them as her carers IYSWIM. She may be unsettled for the first couple of days, which is hard, as you can't explain what is happening, but might settle down and love it after that. DD runs in without a backwards glance having now been there for a year.

Either way, it will have be what is right for you and dd.

Nursery is different from creche.

I have 2 clingy dcs who attend ft nursery. I have NEVER used a creche because dd especially (separation anxiety from 5 months' old) would go mental.

Prior to going to nursery, I had never been apart from them for more than an hour or two.

Make full use of the settling in period. My ds then 9 mths started reasonably well, then got spooked on the 3rd or 4th settling in session. And I stayed with him throughout the subsequent 2-3 sessions. By the end of the second week, I could leave him for longer and longer periods. At 11 months, he went in ft without missing a beat, despite still being bf, not able to sleep on his own etc.

Nursery is different because it is more or less the same carers, same room, same routine every day. Your dd will gradually learn what to expect and settle.

Agree you always have the option to try CM if nursery does not work out.

Re the gym, can you take the buggy out for a long walk instead? Good for energy levels and your LO get lots of fresh air as well

Armyofme I had EXACTLY the same situation with my DD. I used to take her to a creche at our local pool from about 4 mths, and all was fine until she was about 7mths when she got really distressed when I left her there.(and I was called out of the pool to come and get her, dripping wet!). I too had to go back to work and was really worried about how she would cope in nursery.

To cut a long story short she went to nursery at 10mnths and all was FINE. Though the creche was good I think the problem was that there weren't many other children there, whereas the nursery had lots of other babies so I think it felt much more normal to her. Also her nursery was only for children up to the age of 18months-ish so it was particularly geared up for younger and possible sensitive babies.

But if you are worried about this do talk to the nursery. A decent nursery will talk to you about your concerns and schedule a good settling in period.

DD is now 2.10 and still loves nursery - as your wee one may well do too.

Best wishes!

notyummy & blueshoes - thanks a lot, it is good to here that it was possible to settle your lo's at roughly the same stage. my dd's settling-in period at the nursery is over the next few weeks, so i think i may try to book as many sessions as i can so i can be there while she gets used to it all. but after that she'll be starting with just two days per week (although they are consecutive days), so i'm worried that she'll forget the carers, room, routine etc every week. do you think it is as easy for them to settle if only pt? and blueshoes, similarly to you, dd and i have spent very little time apart since she was born, except when she's with her dad or asleep, so it's really encouraging to hear that this doesn't mean we are doomed!

effie - i do tend to take her out for a walk in the buggy most days, weather permitting. but in order to really jolt myself out of my comatose state i really need to get some adrenalin going....i wish there were some high-impact sports you could do with a baby strapped to your back! hmm, doesn't sound too safe though really, maybe not

From anecdotal evidence with friends, it does seem to take them longer to settle if they are part time (dd has always done 4 days a week since 6 months old). All my friends who have babies in for one day (I know you are two days, just none of my friends are!) say that it took them a few weeks before the dc seemed to recognise the place and accept it happliy. It might be worth asking if you can take dc along on your days off for the first couple of weeks...just for 30 mins or so outside busy times like lunch with you there, but so the nursery and carers faces aren't forgotten?

ah knickerelastic thanks! this is very reassuring! i had been starting to reassess going back to work at all because of this (which isn't really an option tbh) and getting a bit stressed about it. i will definitely mention this to the nursery, so they are aware she might be a bit wary of it all. she'll be going into a babyroom for upto 2yo's i think, so hopefully the fellow babies should help her feel more relaxed. i have heard very good things about the nursery and they have a truly enormous waiting list, so i'm thinking she will be in good hands. it's just so daunting. i really never realised how hard this was going to be!

hello again - my DD also did two consecutive days a week at nursery (same as you again!). It was no problem. She got used to it very quickly and I think being two consecutive days was easier than two separate days in the week as it helped her remember who everyone was.

so please try not to worry too much!

armyofone, part time will take longer to settle in than fulltime, but consecutive days are better than split days.

See how it goes . I suspect your dd will be fine. If not, try cm. But please don't give up work for this alone!

Also, armyofme, by the time your dd goes in, she will be 8-9 months? It will be blink of an eye before she is 1 year old. My ds at 16 months is so much more aware now. He has a great memory and awareness of his surroundings, much more than as a young baby. He is not likely to forget a happy environment fast!

My DS goes to nursery for two consecutive days - he started when he was about 7 months and was a bit wary to begin with (mainly of the other babies because he wasn't used to being with other children) but he's settled in really well. Only problem with us is he seems to be having his separation anxiety now (he's nearly 17 months) and he screams and grabs hold of my legs as I'm trying to leave. Its horrible and really upsetting but I go out and wait on the other side of the door where he can't see me to make sure he calms down and he's normally happily pottering about within about 2 minutes.

Like the others have said, chat to the nursery staff about it, ours were really good at helping him to settle in.

My dd started nursery in Mid Nov after never being left with anyone else so I was extremely nervous but even though she cried each time I left they reassured me that she did settle. After the xmas break I thought she would be worse but as she gets the same staff every day (she now does 3 days per week) she actually smiled at the assistant when I dropped her off last week and no tears...whooppee! She is 9months old now, and learning to crawl/climb has made all the difference as she can get the toys she wants and interact with the other crawly babies. I think it has done her lots of good socially interacting with the other babies and me lots of good getting a break ;-))
Good luck, Im sure the little one will be fine trust your instincts with the nursery staff, I looked at 5 before I found one I liked.

thanks very much everyone for your replies. it has been really encouraging to hear your experiences, and making me feel better about the nursery already. i'm thinking she will hopefully be ok after the settling-in sessions, and maybe that is the problem with the creche, they are often very busy so it can be a matter of just handing dd over which usually makes me pretty nervous...

Erm I don't want to be the fly in the ointment here, but I am a SAHM although I was planning to go back to work. I don't want to be the purveyor of doom, but on the other hand, people kept telling me it would be all right, citing all sorts of others' experiences and in our case it wasn't.

My experience was very like yours, DS got separation anxiety round about the 8 month mark and it stayed and stayed. We tryed him at nursery, he didn't settle well at all, to the point that nursery actually suggested we try a CM. He screamed himself silly all the time he was left and on his (only!) six hour session came home with a dry nappy, he'd obviously been that flooded with adrenalin. I tried a childminder, but it was very short notice (I was at work by that time) and couldn't get one who really wanted the job. If I had started with a childminder, I may well have gone back to work, because although he was distressed at the CM, it wasn't horrific and I could have probably stuck with it and got him through it. I took unpaid parental leave at that point, but even after 13 weeks, I felt DS was too traumatised to try again and I took a 5 year career break option.

Based on my own experience, my advice would be, go and see the nursery again now. You need to do this anyway, so you've got a sense of how to get DD ready for the experience, BUT secretly, in your mind re-evaluate the whole place based on what you now know about your DD. In all honesty, is she going to cope there? If the answer's yes, fine. If no, then you've given yourself loads of time to find a good childminder who will suit you.

Enid is right, sensitive children do better with a CM. Penelope Leach has done research which suggests any child does better with a CM. (sorry don't have link) It is IMO, quite salutary to read the talk boards here on MN for nurseries and childminders respectively. There are some very very unsettling stories on the nurseries board, not really anything comparable on the CM board. Having spent 6 days with my DS in an "excellent" Ofsted rated state of the art nursery which I'd been personally recommended, I would never consider nursery again for an under.... three maybe?

Sorry to be the voice of doom.

Dd started PT nursery at 7.5 mo, 2 afternoons/week, then 2 days at 15 mo, then 3 days at 26 mo. It was very up and down for the first months and I looked into changing to a childminder but I never found one I was totally happy with and by then she was settling into nursery. Transitioning to 2 days was easy - I think it was actually better than half days.

I personally felt she was safer in a good nursery - that was a major motivation for me (but perhaps I am mad!). But there have been rough spells throughout - especially after holidays or illnesses. not as bad as boring's DS (I dont' know how I could have stood that) but bad enough to have me in tears quite a few days. It's hard.

mrsb and acinonyx thanks for your honesty. it seems to me that it really differs from child to child, so i think i'll have to see how things go.

dd had her first settling-in session today at the nursery and i'm actually feeling a bit more optimistic about it. she got used to the environment fairly quickly and seemed quite relaxed by the end of the two hours. i think she was quite stimulated by the other children too. i've managed to book quite a few sessions over the next few weeks, including several full days where i can be the building but gradually build up the amount of time that she is there without me. so i have my fingers crossed it will all go ok!

armyofme, it sounds promising. I think the sheer fact that the nursery is happy to allow you to book so many/such long settling-in sessions is an indication that they have the children's welfare at heart, rather than profits. Hope it goes well.

i thought it was a good sign too blueshoes. it definitely felt like a very child-centred place, and the staff were genuinely warm with the children which says a lot to me. so i've got quite a good feeling about the place. dd actually surprised me by how relaxed she was. she was already reaching out to the other babies and staff, and even allowed herself to be held by one of the women for a little while - i've got a bit of a suspicion she'll get into it all very quickly and be totally disinterested in me in no time

My DD started nursery last week (she was 10 mo on Sun) and is going for 2 days (Tues and Wed) to start with. Like yours, she wouldn't be left with anyone and was very clingy, so I was worried sick.

She had 4 settling in sessions before Xmas. When I left her last Tuesday her bottom lip started to wobble but I waited in the other room for a few minutes and peeped around the corner to watch her, and she was playing with the toys. She was in a great mood when I picked her up. Wednesday when we got there she looked all excited and went off to the toys when I put her down.

Chances are yours will be the same