3 year olds...when will this get better?!!

[Jobionekenobi]

So we have a DD3, and she is 2 1/2 months off of being 4....and oh my gawd, is she threenagering hard. Now, I should also say that she came to us via adoption when she was exactly 3 years old, and so we have a few more issues to navigate.

I thought the older she got, the slightly easier this would get, but she is just shouting no constantly...and I mean...constantly. I know this is a development stage, but it's so wearing!

Yesterday, she hit me, kicked me, bit me and pushed me...and that's become a fairly normal day. Refusing to eat, or drink some days (she would rather be thirsty than comply with drinking a drink I've given her!!).

The cruel part is that nursery say she is a delight, and they love her to bits. The minute she takes my hand out of that nursery door, she turns into a pent up ball of aggression.

I feel like a rubbish mum at times, and particularly at the moment because I'm finding it quite hard to find the joy of being around her as she is such hard work and constantly takes out her aggression on me! The fun good times are definitely in the minority currently!!

I know people will say, I am her safe space...I know that. But someone just tell me this will get at least 15% easier soon! (I guess you could lie to me if you have to!! :) )

Well, I don't have the complications of adoption, but I do know that 3-4yo was my least favourite age with DS! They do tend to mellow out a bit as they reach school age. And then of course there are different challenges...but it sounds like you're doing really well if she is able to be herself when she's with you, so really well done on your part. Just hang in there!

I feel better then thinking that this is not a great age to enter motherhood!! Unfortunately - or fortunately, we've decided to decelerate her school place as she will barely be 4 by the time she was due to start school - being an August baby! I just have to hope over the next year, turning 4 will help - but goodness me...the anger! It's getting worse every day!

3 was my daughter's most difficult age too. Got loads better at 4. Hang on in there!

My daughter is 4 and is definitely mellowing. Age 3 to 4 was absolutely brutal. EVERYTHING just made her so cross. I think at that age, they still have relatively little agency/free choice but they have very strong opinions on what they do want. They also find it difficult to cope with the unexpected or when things go a bit wrong (like their banana breaking in half etc). I dealt with it as best as possible by being very calm and reassuring and giving lots of warnings when we were about to do something/go somewhere. Structure, calmness and boundaries. I have zero tolerance to hitting etc but sometimes you have to be realistic about whether they’re in a state to listen. I would put my daughter on the sofa when she was screaming/overwrought/lashing out and stay nearby so she didn’t feel abandoned but I wouldn’t try to reason with her. Once she reached the magic tipping point where she would accept a cuddle, I’d sit her on my lap while she calmed down and then we’d talk about hitting etc. They have very big emotions at that age and don’t know how to process them.

Sorry you're having a rough time OP. First thing I'd say is by my calculations she's been with you less than a year? That's really not long OP and without prying if she's been adopted then I'm sure her first 3 years weren't plain sailing by any means?

This said what you're describing sounds quite standard 'threenagering' As part of the adoption process were you taught anything about therapeutic parenting? We adopted our 4YO as a baby and it will always come with different challenges and require slightly different parenting. I love a book called 'How to talk so little kids will listen' which although not adoption specific teaches the required positive parenting. It's also worth reading about trauma and attachment online and watching youtube if you haven't already as this will really help you understand your child

Did you know there's an 'adoption' section on here as well? Under 'becoming a parent'. It's worth popping this on there as you might well get more adoption specific advice xx