Toddler after traumatic birth

[LittleMG]

Posting here as I’m so upset and I know I’m handling it all wrong so really need some
advice.
I recently gave birth to my second son and I have a 3 yr old toddler. I had a rough pregnancy and felt pretty ill so couldn’t do much with my toddler but DH was good at keeping him busy.
Anyway, My baby was unexpectedly born extremely ill and has spent 3 weeks in hospital. I can’t way enough how hard it been for my 3 yr old, he was with grandparents a lot over that time and I admit I have cried in front of him. Which I know was wrong and I’m so sorry for that. He was confused and missed us terribly over this time.
Since our lives have returned to ‘normal’ and the baby has come home my toddler has been extremely disagreeable and sad. He’ll argue black is white. He’s usually such a happy, kind, funny little boy but he’s become quiet, bit withdrawn and mean (won’t speak to people/answer us, won’t go to nursery, won’t eat properly, won’t go to bed… etc…) he really is known for being kind so it’s so out of character. He told me he feels sad. (It’s not with the baby it’s me)
Tonight me and DH tried the supernanny technique of putting him back to bed every time he got out and he went NUTS I’ve never seen him so angry. He banged his leg so I rubbed it for him and he told me he didn’t love me. I was so upset I started crying, which I know is so stupid, and he was so upset told me to
stop, that he did love me and tried to put his hand over my mouth. I told him I love him
and he fell asleep.

Sorry it’s so long, what can I do? Does he think I don’t love him? This child is
my angel I adore him.

First off, so sorry you've all had a hard time. Sounds really tough. Ive been reading Phillipa Perry's book recently which talks about 'ruptures' ( like the period where you weren't able to be with him as much, or crying in front of him) and 'repairs'. Have you been able to have any 1:1 time with him. I'd start with something like that as a regular and reliable (sat mornings for example) thing.

Thank you for replying x yes I put him to bed every night last couple of nights has been better. I’ve tried really hard to be there when he needs me, if he asks me to do something and I’ve got the baby I would pass for my husband/mum I’m lucky I’ve got people with me. I’ll bare your advice in mind thank you x

I think he just needs time. In his eyes you went off for weeks on end with your new baby and left him and that’s the way he sees it. Trust me I had the same issue when my son was born he’s 6 now but was very poorly and in the PICU for 2 months after birth. My other child was 2 and he missed us so bad and had to stay with nana and didn’t understand why we just left him. When we eventually got home we were only home 2 weeks and my son was on deaths door and rushed back into PICU for another 2 weeks! I felt so torn I stayed home with the toddler and we visited baby daily. It was such a difficult situation to be in but I think your toddler just needs some time to get back into his routine and perhaps some extra time just you and toddler if DH can look after baby maybe a once a week thing to swimming or soft play or library and just some quality time together

@PinkBump2022 thanks for replying he’s been better last 2 days. Took him to a fair today and we enjoyed it so much, like my little babe again. I’m sure you know how torn we’ve been so good to get advice from someone who has been there too, people say do this/that but unless you’ve been in that situation you can never know. My family kept saying that my little boy kissed me and the baby doesn’t know if we’re there or not but he DID and he was so poorly, and I knew that even if DS1 was sad he was safe. X