When to leave baby for the first time??

[Eulalia]

This may sound a bit pathetic and maybe I?ve got nothing to worry about ? not a major problem... I left dd for the first time last night with her dad and brother. I have volunteered to be secretary for the pre-school nursery. This involves going to a committee meeting in the evening once a month. I?ve not left her (she is 6.5 months) for longer than about 20 mins before and last night I was out for just under 2 hours. She cried the first hour ? very angry sounding my dh said and then fell asleep. She wasn?t hungry as she slept for awhile after I got back and wasn?t ravenous when she woke up. She?s not long on solid food and I was a bit worried about her getting hungry. Anyway she is used to lots of breastfeeds and having me there on tap. I wonder if 2 hours was a bit long to leave her. I hate to think of her being so upset. However when she woke she was fine and smiled away as usual. Am I worrying to much? I haven?t firmly decided to do the job (last night I was just sitting in) but think it may be a bit silly to say I have to stay at home.

Dh doesn?t spend a lot of time with dd because she is always breastfeeding or dh is busy with the house, particularly at weekends as he is renovating it. It took him a long time to bond with ds and I had problems with leaving him till he was around 2. Also I co-sleep with dd and if she has a nap in the evening it only tends to be a short one and she doesn?t really get to sleep properly till I go to bed with her.

Any thoughts, comments, suggestions, advice please. Don?t hesitate to tell me if you think I am being silly or if I am allowing dd to ?rule the roost?. Thanks.

Don't particularly think you're being silly, Eulalia, but you do make me feel a bit slapdash. I left dd with her dad and a childminder (dad working from home) at 3 weeks or so for 1 hr (hairdresser) and at 6 weeks for an evening meal.

That first evening I didn't leave enough expressed milk or feed her enough before leaving so she screamed for maybe 10 mins and then slept soundly. I think it's just a question of being extra careful to make sure she gets enough beforehand (maybe giving her a bit less for her afternoon feed) and then letting her get used to it.

I do see why you're worried, but it sounds like you've bonded fine with your dd (so don't let your experience with ds worry you). As for the sleeping - not sure as dd has always slept in a cot (I figured that either I'd squich her or I wouldn't sleep well enough - I need my sleep and usually sleep deeply), but I do find that if she won't sleep on her own, she usually will if rocked in the pram or if I lie near her for a bit (I get up just as she's starting to drop off and she does a really cute half-asleep smile).

Anyway try again at least once before you give up and become a hermit!

Eulalia- a six month old baby ought to be able to go a couple of hours without being fed. I think you should take the job, and either give her a good long b/f before you go or leave a bottle of EBM. In any case, as she gets older and more into solid food/ other fluids, your dh ought to be able to cope even without a bottle to give her!

I'm not meaning to sound flippant. My dd is just 9 months old, and although she's used to going to nursery full time, I left her for a few hours with dh last weekend whilst I went shopping for some much-needed shoes. Even though I left plenty of milk, and a freezer-full of "back-up" EBM, I still felt rotten, and rushed back in record time. I don't know how I'm going to manage Christmas shopping!

You have to do whatever feels right for you and, if you are worried, it obviously isn't the right thing.

I must be the opposite to you, I happily left my DS at 10 days to go out for a couple of hours with my DH (mum at home with a bottle 'just in case', the next night went out with mum leaving DS with DH and quite frequently left him with friends or neighbours afterwards if I needed to go shopping etc - but I enjoyed the break - often left him with DH as well and now they have a wonderful relationship - he is a real 'daddy's boy'.

I know this sounds a bit morbid but I always think 'if I was run over by a bus my child would have to cope'! Just don't end up like my friend who still won't leave her 12 & 9 year olds for more than one night!!

If you do take the job, you say it's only once a month, that's not much, and your daughter will become more independent as each month goes by. I know how you feel though, I have breastfed and co-slept with both of mine, and have never left the youngest (13 months) for more than a couple of hours, and only with her dad - I certainly don't think you're allowing your dd to rule the roost, I don't believe little babies can do that, they just let you know their needs, and you're responding to your daughter's needs as much as you can.
You say you feel it would be silly to say you have to stay at home, it's not silly if that's what's most important to you. The only thing that matters is what you feel is best - take the job if it is what you want, but if it doesn't feel right, don't take it just because of what other people think you should do.

Eulalia, what if the evening event wasn't something like the secretary's job...more of a treat for yourself? How would you feel then? Maybe it's time to give yourself an occasional break, and yes, loosen those bonds a little. That doesn't mean you're abandoning her, but as she gets older she'll become more independent anyway and although that'll feel strange at first, it's perfectly natural. My dd was in nursery at 6.5mths, for 2 days a week and although it felt very odd at first, we both adjusted very well,I expressed milk, and we carried on breastfeeding for nearly 2 years. I wouldn't say our relationship had suffered at all, and she won't remember those tears when you started to leave her for a couple of hours. But make sure it's for something you really want to do, otherwise you might resent it. good luck

Of course, Eulalia it is up to you but I would say go for it. You say the meetings are only once a month and a month is a long time in a baby. Like others have said she will be gradually taking more solids and and maybe drinking from a cup so although I know (from your other posts) that breastfeeding will remain important to you both it will be less essential for that two hour period. Also it will hopefully help with the father/daughter bonding process.

And finally once you've done it a couple of times it might give you the confidence to leave her while you treat yourself to some 'you' time.

Eulalia, don't beat yourself up about it - she'll be fine. I saw a picture of sdie Frost in a mag, at a party 3 days after her baby was born!!!!! All I could think of was "Why?"

Eualalia. if you want to leave your dd for a whole evening then do it - if that makes you feel bad, then stay with her. As others have said you can always leave ebm, or give her solids. After 6 1/2 months it is time you have some "me" time, but ONLY if that is what YOU want.
I had to leave dd for 1 hour when she was only 3 days old - she was 3 weeks early and I had a dentists appointment I just couldn't miss. It did feel v. wierd and I phoned home about times, but I do think it gave dh a good chance to bond, and get to feel confident with dd.

Lucy 123 ? it was dh who had trouble bonding with ds not me ? I had too much bonding lol! However from what you and others are saying I do need to allow dd more time with her dad. It?s all too easy for me to just take care of her when I am here.

I know that others leave their babies at this age for much longer ? even to work full time. I just don?t seem to have had the opportunity to go out in the evenings much. There were a lot of events on in the summer when she was younger ? village things and I was allowed to take her with me so she had quite a good social life then! I left ds when he was much younger but I lived in town then.

Lindy ? no you are not being morbid - that thought has passed my mind so it is important she gets used to other people being around.

Yes she goes fine without regular feeds so that wasn?t really a problem ? last night she was probably tired and is too used to me putting her to sleep.

The job is voluntary but I want to do something for others and it does involve more work at home. I think on balance the meeting only once a month isn?t much to ask of me. I spoke to dh again about it and we?ve decided that he could drop me off and do the evening shopping in Tesco in the next town and pick me up on the way home. She?d be happier being out. Maybe some finger foods for her to chew on in the trolley (that ds won?t pinch) ? any suggestions?

Thanks for the prompt responses everyone.

eulalia, as others have said, you have to do what you feel comfortable with. However, I would strongly suggest that if you want dh to bond with dd sooner than he did with ds leaving her with him is the best thing to do. It's not unusual for a father to feel very left out during the initial months, particularly when a mother is breastfeeding and they aren't really needed as much.
Personally, I enjoy my time away from my children as well as my time with them and I am blessed with a wonderful childminder 2 doors away so I often left ds with her early on so that dh and I could go out alone, and not as often (childminder was more reliable), but equally essentially, left ds with dh so I could escape. Ds was exclusively bf until 6 mo. and ate (large amounts) every 2 hours. Luckily I had no problem expressing, so I would always leave expressed milk when I left ds alone. I and dh also coslept with ds until 6 mo., but were careful to make sure that he wasn't totally reliant on one of us being there to go to sleep. I am trying to do the same with my current project (dd) who is now 5 weeks old. I have already left her several times with the childminder and twice for 4 or 5 hours with dh. I think I am happier and healthier for my time away so therefore my children are too. However, if I wasn't happy taking time away, then I'm sure it wouldn't be the right thing for them either. I suppose all of this is to say, that there is more than one way to do things, so don't feel that bfing or co-sleeping limits your choices.

Eulalia, I felt like this and only started leaving my 5mth old recently. He seems OK and will even take a bottle as long as I'm not on the other end of it! It will do you good to get out for this short period of time and the change in routine might help for when the time comes to get your own bed back to yourself. I know how it is because I co-sleep, but DS usually starts the night off in his cot.

Eulalia, it does feel very much like all the responsiblility is your own when you bf on demand and co-sleep. I find it hard to let dh take over and find a way to comfort her when she is upset as I bf her to sleep and also co-sleep.
I have, however, been out a few nights (my dd is also 6.5 months) and dd has been looked after by family or a close friend so I knew she really would be alright. And she was! When she was being looked after she stayed up, played and then fell asleep with the person she was with. I think it relaxed me that they weren't trying to get her to sleep but were enjoying her company. So your dh taking dd to the shops sounds a great idea. Would she need finger foods? I know my dd would be distracted enough by what was around her in the shops that she wouldn't be thinking about food.
I am going away and leaving dd for a whole day a week on Saturday, I am attending a Steiner workshop. I am getting concerned about it but dh is looking forward to it! Dd is enjoying solid food, is getting better at taking to a beaker and if she goes out she will fall asleep in the backpack. So I thought dh could take her out for a long walk when she was getting sleepy so she wouldn't need to be fed to sleep.
I think when you have such a strong bond with your baby it is hard to let go, in case that bond disappears.

sofia, I must have missed a lot recently! I didn't realise you had already had your baby! Huge congratulations to you all on your little girl! Love oxocube xxx

Thanks again

SofiaAmes ? you are right that time away is good for you and I know when I?ve done it you look on your child differently. This is more the case for ds as dd is still so young. Fortunately I seem to cope OK with the two of them (too well perhaps and don?t ask for help enough). I was in a café recently with them and a complete stranger commented about what a calm mother I was! Hmm well not always!

When I wanted to go out more often with ds my sister suggested leaving him for short periods and training him to be without me. It was great in theory but not in practice as I didn?t really have anyone to leave him with for short periods and she suggested her, but she doesn?t drive so it was a case of taking him there and coming back, and she works F/T so it was going to be w/e or evenings which was pointless. It all seemed too much of a faff to bother about and easier to stay in! Particularly investing all that time for the sake of one evening maybe every couple of months. I had tried going to a dancing class when he was 6 weeks but it was a bit of disaster so left things for awhile and we?d just all go out and take him with us. Then I used to go out for maybe an hour for a quick drink when he was about 15 months onwards and then around 21 months I started going out for 2-3 hours and from then on he?s been fine. Looking back I didn?t miss going out as I?d done it all in my youth (like I am really ancient now!). Now I?ve got 2 kids perhaps I do need the break more. I hardly thought about training her from birth as again I don?t have much call for going out in the evenings (we live in the country) and again the effort invested was hardly worth it. As I said I took her with me to social events in the summer and we had a 2 week holiday in Spain last month where we could take her to bars/restaurants. However I think I?ll try leaving her with my parents for short periods perhaps to do a bit of shopping and get her used to the idea.

Sorry I am blabbing on here! I guess all these complications are due to the way we live today - mostly away from extended family and really it isn?t natural for mum to be with a 6m+ baby 24 hours a day. Not that it does any harm for baby of course but the strain must tell on some mothers who perhaps have other difficult circumstances.

Forest ? let us know how you get on, on Saturday!

Droille ? co-slept with ds on and off till he was nearly 3 but is happy with his own bed now.

I think the idea of your DH taking them shopping sounds good Eulalia - until DD gets used to being left with DH.

Eulalia - I think you will really enjoy your voluntary job & get a lot out of it; we too live in a very rural area and any 'socialising' revolves around village events, church meetings, committees & fund-raising but it is all good fun and I enjoy lots of different voluntary jobs whilst being a SAHM - it's also a great way to get to meet people (& lots of my new friends offer to help out with DS!) - we also have no family nearby.

Good luck.

Just left ds1 and 2 with dh for 5 whole hours for the first time!!! Hurrah! Obviously I'd left ds1 before, and for a lot longer, but never more than 2hours with ds2 cos of feeds (he flatly refuses a bottle). I'm glad to report that dh, ds1 amd ds2 were all absolutely fine, although I was most disappointed to come back from my trip to Bluewater with nothing more than a hat and pair of mittens for ds2 and an ill fitting pair of trousers for me (I got desperate to buy something, anything for me, and time was running out!!)
ds2 paid me back by waking me up at 2am for an extra feed having missed out on his 1.30am one, oh and I've come down with a cold. Great!

Oh, forgot to add,
so YES Eulalia, its great to get out and about for you and proves to your other half that he can look after the kiddies without help, and I'm sure your youngest doesnt mind one bit. Go for it!

Eulalia - I had a wonderful day away from dd. She is taking solid food well so I was happy that she would be eating and I had also left some milk. She was fine all day apart from a bit of a whinge when she wanted a sleep. I had lots of smiles when I got back and she seemed happy to see me. Dh had a great time with her and it has given him confidence that he can understand her needs. He does seem closer to her.
I did miss her but then as I was busy the whole day, I found I was forgetting about her. And I was enjoying the experience of her not being around. I leaked loads of milk and felt a bit sore but that was the only problem we all had!
Have you left dd again? If so did you find it any easier?

forest - glad you had a nice time. No I've not had a chance to leave dd yet. The next committee meeting is coming up in a couple of weeks and I think we'll stick with the idea of him taking her and ds to the supermarket.

An update - had another meeting on Tue. dh took the kids to the supermarket as planned and it worked wonders. Both were very happy being pushed around - ds even had his arm round dd in the trolly! (ahhh!) and dd slept on the way home. I think taking them out was a good idea as dd associates the home with me.

Thanks again for the help.

Pleased everything worked out and everyone was happy.