Any advice please…

Mam21G · 2022-05-05T19:13:05+00:00

My daughter has recently turned 4 and the last few weeks she has been having terrible tantrums that can last 20 minutes, anything can set her off and I never know how to calm the situation down, she hits me, kicks, hurts herself and throws stuff. I find it difficult to stay calm in the situation and end up shouting, I know this doesn’t help the situation but I honestly don’t know how to deal with the outbursts. After she’s calmed down, we have a cuddle and I apologise for my shouting and I explain to her that her behaviour isn’t acceptable but the same thing will happen again the next day. Ny advice is welcome, but please no mum shaming I’m trying my best.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Mam21G · 05/05/2022 20:14

I’d like to add that she is normally a very happy, pleasant little girl and she is well behaved when we go places, and she only seems to behave like this with me. She’s an angel when her father is home

OP posts:

ZooKeeper19 · 09/05/2022 16:13

I read the other day that an escalated adult cannot de-escalate an escalated child. My one is younger, but also has these moments. I also fail, shout, etc. Lose my temper. My husband says I am failing at parenting because of this. He is very calm, I tend to get overwhelmed by the situation.
Can you tell a tantrum is coming? Do you know what sets it off? Can you prevent it before it starts? (like for example sometimes I can prevent one by giving my child an option A or B or just standing still that 15 seconds longer while they say/do XYZ...).
Lastly I find that preparing myself for a tantrum/misbehaviour, knowing what will happen and that it's not personal helps me (but see I still sometimes fail). I try as much as I can to be taken care of myself (watered, fed, comfortable, not in a rush...bla bla). If there are no additional external factors to he situation I tend to do better.
Then is she tired? Hungry? Overwhelmed from school? Thirsty? Too hot/cold? Uncomfortable clothes? All of this can have negative effect, check if any apply.
And I know, I just keep telling myself it will pass, and we will miss this age when teenagers come our way :)

Original poster

Mam21G · 09/05/2022 18:45

ZooKeeper19 · 09/05/2022 16:13

I read the other day that an escalated adult cannot de-escalate an escalated child. My one is younger, but also has these moments. I also fail, shout, etc. Lose my temper. My husband says I am failing at parenting because of this. He is very calm, I tend to get overwhelmed by the situation.
Can you tell a tantrum is coming? Do you know what sets it off? Can you prevent it before it starts? (like for example sometimes I can prevent one by giving my child an option A or B or just standing still that 15 seconds longer while they say/do XYZ...).
Lastly I find that preparing myself for a tantrum/misbehaviour, knowing what will happen and that it's not personal helps me (but see I still sometimes fail). I try as much as I can to be taken care of myself (watered, fed, comfortable, not in a rush...bla bla). If there are no additional external factors to he situation I tend to do better.
Then is she tired? Hungry? Overwhelmed from school? Thirsty? Too hot/cold? Uncomfortable clothes? All of this can have negative effect, check if any apply.
And I know, I just keep telling myself it will pass, and we will miss this age when teenagers come our way :)

Dear Zoo Keeper,

thank you so much for taking your time to answer this question. I sometimes also think that I’m a failure but I’m always reassured that I realise my mistakes and that I care enough to change.
My daughter usually behaves like this when she is tired so I try and not overwhelm her too much.
thank you for the advice, I’ve found it helpful and it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my experience x

OP posts:

ludocris · 10/05/2022 23:44

You're certainly not alone. My DS recently turned 4 and has very similar sounding outbursts. I spoke to a local parenting advice organisation the other day and they were reassuring about how normal it is, and how the pandemic has likely had a knock-on effect on the development of a lot of children. I think my DS is just still learning about emotional regulation.

DCINightingale · 17/05/2022 14:48

If you are on instagram follow biglittlefeelings. They are great for motivating words of wisdom. I've found them very helpful and articulate their advice better than I ever could. They key is to be consistent and to make your behaviour model behaviour. Solidarity from me, it's really tough.