HELP! ETHICAL DILEMMA...

[KateP]

My 5 year ds has just come back from school with a bite mark on his shoulder which a boy in his class gave him in the playground (a friend of his). This boy is known to be 'challenging'! My first instinct is to talk to the teacher, but my ds told me he doesn't want me to tell the teacher because the boy is 'on his last warning' and he's worried the teacher will talk to his parents. I have pretty clear evidence that the father hits the boy when he's misbehaved, and I really don't want to be the cause of that. My ds is worried that the boy's father will 'whip' his son. What shall I do?

That's a difficult one. If it were me I wouldn't say anything to the teacher. Sounds as though this little boy has enough to deal with.

I think normally I would advise telling the teacher but this sounds like a situation where it may be better to let it drop. If you do tell the teacher and anything happens, your DS may find it hard to deal with...maybe you could tell DS to have a word with the boy and say he's told his Mum not to tell the teacher this time, but that if he does it again she will tell or something like that?

I'd keep quiet, I think.

Am tending towards not saying anything, but I do also want to make sure the boy doesn't do it again! It's quite a big, nasty bite and must have hurt a lot!

Explain to your DS that he needs to let you know if anything else happens.

Can you invite this other boy around for tea and politely explain that you do not want him to do it again?

I would also confidentially call ss and report the vicious B**tard for beating his child! Well I'd like to think I would, but I've never been in that situation. Is there a member of staff at the school you could raise this concern with?

nortynamechanger has a good point. You could call the NSPCC child protection helpline on 0808 800 5000 if you are as worried about the boy as you sound.

tell the teacher, but mention that you feel uncomfortable saying it you have heard..........Schools have support mechanisms for this

I would have a quiet word with the teacher, but explain your concerns. Hopefully she will understand.

Thanks everyone for your helpful thoughts and advice. I'm going to sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning.

I would definitely tell the teacher or perhaps better the head teacher (a step away from the situation) but also tell them your sons concerns. Soemthing needs to be done if this child is being abused at home imo

I recently had a bit of a problem with ds being roughly treated by a friend but nobody wanting the child's parents to be told- not because there were any abuse issues, but because the family was going through a terribly hard time and neither ds or I wanted to add to their burden. When I finally plucked up courage to go in and see the teacher, I found he was very happy to deal with it as a matter of school discipline without involving the parents; he told the other child's teacher and the dinner ladies were told to keep an eye, and the boy was warned that he would lose playtime if he played too boisterously (tactful euphemism for knocking ds down). We have not had a resurgence of the problem. It sounds like the other little boy would benefit from someone keeping a closer eye, so I would go in and speak to the teacher.

yes, I think it's important that this boy doesn't learn he can get away with violence (like his dad does). I would have a word with the teacher, but explain why you're reluctant to do so. unless you have reason to think that the teacher won't treat the information sensitively?

Explain what you have put here, in whole to the teacher. teacher may be aware, and should be sensitive to the situation. Separately contact ss, if you have evidence that something bad is going on.

I was going to say the same - the teacher won't always involve the parents and they can at least keep an eye on how the boy behaves at school, which I'm sure they're doing.
Tell Social Services too - the way the system works is that schools, ss, GPs etc combine all their notes. Chances are, school knows about the home situation and they will meet with ss and others to discuss case. More info makes a better picture for them to work with.

fxck what a difficult one

but you need to do the bezt by the children, whatyever the outcome may be

fgood luck

I would go and talk to the teacher make it clear that you are not asking for action from the school you are informing them of the incident and also what you have heard and your concerns.
If they think you are making a complaint there may be procedures that have to be followed (there are teachers on MN who would be able to confirm that)

What a horrid situation for you both - I hope you find a solution that you are comfortable with.

I agree with others here, you need to talk to the teacher as she needs to know the whole picture, your DS being bitten and the whole home story. She may be aware of it or not. If this child has talked to your DS about it he might talk to a teacher if encouraged gently. Agree the B@?~ard shouldn't be allowed to continue. It would be kinder to the boy and your DS if the teacher were told but clearly confidentially. Good luck.