WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR DD WAS CONSTANTLY BEING BITTEN BY ANOTHER CHILD?

[BitTiredNow]

Not mine, but a good friend's 2 yo dd is always being bitten by another neighbour's ds (22 months). The last bite broke the skin on her face and looks a real mess and another on her arm is healing badly. Now, I know that no mother makes her child bite, but how would you handle this? We don't have the options of purely keeping out of this child's way as they are in the same nursery class and as we live on a small Army patch they are constantly thrown together, as there is only one singing group, mums and tots group etc. The mother of the biter doesn't keep her child close - quite often if we are out she doesn't know which room of the house her ds is in, and the other parents tactfully try and discipline him.

Goodness! Does the Mum discipline the boy when this happens and how?

If not, provided you are tactful to her and say something like "Alot of toddlers go through this, what does the HV recommend you do?" - then she cant really get upset can she?

My DD1 used to bite and my HV told me to introduce the naughty chair and when she bit to pick her up without saying anything, face her away from the room and make her sit still by saying only "No" for a minute for every yr of her life - eg 2 mins for 2yr old. After the time I had to explain to her what the problem was. In the end she would stand in the corner if there was no chair and "wait" for her time up!! Basically, if the child can still see you or get a reaction to you - to them even a negative reaction is a plus and the attention they want. Its an awful time as a Mum when youre child bites, you feel like you've a useless parent - so if anyone showed me any compassion - then that was great!

She doesn't stay close enough to prevent the biting - but when she's found out he has, she really yells. I have tried the 'what does your Nanny say route' (she used to have a nanny) but I don't think the hint worked. My friend is getting v upset about her daughter's injuries, and I wish I could think of how to help. I do know it is hard for the mum of the biter too - no one makes their child a biter.

Mmm difficult one then -
Could your friend say to this woman - "Have you thought of asking the HV advice as Im sure it must be very stressful for you to deal with? "
or your friend is just going to have to be there all the time with her own child to intervene - or, tell her child to say "No" loudly if she doesnt like x being too close to her.

Hmm, probably not helpful but personally I'd just avoid said child adn mother. Sounds awful but I couldn't bear my child to be bitten constantly like that. My job would be to protect my own child, not the feelings of someone else.

It's really difficult to avoid them - as I said, there is only one toddler group here and they are in the same class at nursery.

I'd stay close to my child if they were being bitten. I've had to do this with ds2 and ds3 when younger as they mixed a lot with older children with severe learning difficulties, so couldn't be left alone with them. It's much easier to glue yourself to your child than try and get in the way of someone elses ime.

We had a similar situation a few years ago, when our son (then about 2) was being bitten by a somewhat younger child at the childminder's. It was very stressful and, as we weren't there, impossible for us to police. We spoke to the childminder. The other mum spoke to us in tears, obviously very guilty and upset, but unable to do much herself as it happened when she wasn't there either. SO it was really a choice between changing childminders or hoping it would pass. We did not want to change childminder, as it was hard to find someone else. I think what clinched it for us was that we were aware that she was doing her best and that these incidents happened at unguarded moments (even childminders do have to use the loo and it's hard to take a bevy of other people's children in with you). We just asked her to do her best and eventually the attacks tapered off. If we had felt she wasn't doing anything at all, then we would have considered going elsewhere. It was very stressful- though even more so for the other mum. I really don't believe in that particular case that the situation was anything to do with faulty parenting; he was just a naturally boisterous child.

Difficult one

could your friend say something along the lines of "oh blahblah (make up a fictitious person) has just called and she has had to follow her dd/ds around like a shadow as he is going through a biting phase , only way to deal with them she says is to watch like a hawk and move in when they try to bite"

dd2 used to get 'attacked' regularly at M&T group, not biting but forceful hugging and pushing over

phase soon ended

his mum was mortified but most children do go through a phase of this

Oh this is difficult. One of my closest friends has a little boy who is doing the biting thing at the moment, and I'm always gutted when my ds ends up with marks from it. The little boy has time-outs when he's bitten someone, and then his mum has him apologise.

It's been going on for a few months now though, and actually he does seem to be getting better and attempting to bite less, so I expect it's true that biting is a phase a lot of kids go through at this sort of age and hopefully it will pass. Have to say I am shocked that this mother doesn't seem bothered, my friend was mortified when her ds starting doing this.

Does the nursery or toddler group they're with have any fact-sheets the mother could read on how to deal with biters? Maybe she's just clueless. If not, maybe print some information out off the internet, leave them laying around at the next toddler group for "anyone dealing with biters" to read. You could include fact-sheets about toilet-training, tantrums and other childhood issues, so she doesn't feel singled out. My nursery provides all that, but it's a matter of getting her to read it, I suppose!

I really like Oliveoil's suggestion.

And I'd make sure I was always between my child and the biter until the phase passes