Has anyone felt like this?

[MummytoJosh]

Can anyone help me? Has anyone felt like this before? My son is only just turned 2, he 'sort of behaves' for his dad, but when it is just me and him alone, he plays me up no end, to the point where I could sell him in the local charity shop! I end up putting him in his room for time out. However, it is getting me down, very down to the point where I am in tears all the time, every day. Of course, it is not just my son who is stressing me I feel, it must be other things too, but what thet are I cant tell you, all I know is I am confused, and cry a lot, for the least little thing.
I would say it could be post natal depression, but it cant be, as Josh is adopted and has been with us a year now, so I cant even blame it on that! But that is what it feels like to be honest with you. I am so down, and I am getting angry at myself as I feel I am not in control of 'me' anymore. Putting the blame on Josh is not fair at all, he is just one of the factors that seem to be getting me down, and if I was feeling 'ok about myself' I would prob. be able to cope with him playing me up.
Swings and roundabouts this parenthood thing isn't it.
I just wondered if I was normal, or have I flipped? Do all Mums feel like this sometimes? Someone must have felt like this at some point.

Mummytojosh, YES, we all do feel like this sometimes, you can be sure of that.
BUT if as you describe you are in tears lot of the day I think it has got beyond the standard stir-crazy-looking-after small-kids-blues we all get
You can be depressed wihout the "excuse" of having given birth! Not that I am implying you need an excuse to be depressed.
It certainly sounds like you are indeed suffering from depression.
Please go to your GP and explain how you are feeling.
Lots of people suffer from depression and there are may ways of effectively treating it.
Try a search on mumsnet under "depression" .
There are several of us here who have experienced it and some who are still dealing with it.
Keep posting and let us know how you get on.

We all have, MummytoJosh, honest. They are pretty awful at two. I have been very ashamed of the way I have reacted to my ds' antics occasionally. Rhubarb posted so eloquently on this very matter just before the site went phut - and she got lots of supportive, sympathetic replies. Can't remember the title of the thread, I'm really sorry. But it was quite a long one, the number of people agreeing with her.
I've found two books really helpful in persuading me that struggling with a 2 year old boy is normal: Raising Boys, by Steve Biddulph, and Toddler Taming, by Christopher Green. And you can always clout the toddler over the head with them if nothing else works - JOKE.
It does also get better - in our case by 3 and a bit. And parents of older children on here testify that it keeps getting better, too. Quite a lot of people have owned up to hating the toddler phase at times.
I am bushed and about to turn in - hopefully you will get lots of other messages of support as people realise that the Talk is back online.

MummytoJosh, here's the thread I mentioned earlier:
The Trouble with Motherhood

MummytoJosh - yes, we all feel like this sometimes. I agree, you do sound very, very down. Please do go and have a chat with your GP.

It may be other factors adding to the stress, it may just be a very stressful phase of toddlerhood. Have you got good support? Do you go to a toddler group where you can chat to others in the same situation? Have you got a sympathetic health visitor who might offer some advice? Do you have anyone who can give you a break from time to time? Family nearby, or friends? With my eldest I sent him to a childminder at this age for just 2 hrs a week, just to give me a break. With my youngest I sent him to a friend's once a week, and had her little girl over once a week too. That worked very well - the children actually played better together than separately!

mummy to Josh - I know exactly how you feel. I would regularly have bad, bad days, when ds just seemed to scream, cry & be so difficult. Inevitably dh would 'phone to say he'd be late home that night. By the time he came home I would be in a right state, and then, after a full day of monster-dom, ds would turn into a laughing, gurgling little bundle of fun.

A tiny bit of me would be relieved that ds was being nice again, and a tiny bit of me would be glad dh was home, but most of me would be fed up, jealous and furious that I'd had a day of torture, and all dh had to do was walk in the door! It wasn't fair!

Then dh & I would have an argument that I thought such shallow thoughts and the day would end miserably!

Anyway, I felt like that for a while, but note it's all in the past tense. I suppose I do have occasional days like that, but they are few & far between (can't remember the last one).

I'm sure you've read somewhere that the 'primary carer' always gets the flack? Which is, unfortunately why Josh plays you up & not dh, or at least not as much. Kids rarely have tantrums other than with primary carer - because they feel secure enough to play you up.

So what's different now?

-Ds is older.
-I am better at dealing with his behaviour.
-Our relationship has deepened (and if Josh is adopted, even if you've been together a year, I guess your relationship is still developing - just like a married couple after a year are very different to after 10 years.
-Our routine has changed & we're more comfortable with our day-to day living - maybe you could work out what you do on a daily basis, see if there's a pattern to easier days?more difficult days. Maybe days you go to the park in the pm are better than days you go in am, or something along those lines?

Do you have regular contact with other parents of similar age children?
Does Josh go to any groups?
Do you have any time on your own?
(When I was particularly stressed out I joined a gym with a creche. I'm not a gym person, but often I would just lie by the pool with a book, and feel more human - it was the only break I had & ds loved it) Now I'm 'established' I've stopped going, but it played an enormous role in keeping my sanity.

I really know how you feel, and it's not nice, and I wish there was something more I could do to help, but I'm confident that at least here in mumsnet, you'll at least have a lot of empathy & support, and it will get easier.

Hi, I agree with the others, you do need a break and you do sound depressed - which is normal aand there's absolutely no shame in it at all. It's just like having pneumonia - and you'd certainly rush down to the doctors if you had that. Do please see your doctor. Children can be incredibly stressful and cause huge life changes which can be hard to adjust to however they came into your life but it's not right to be in tears all day. I'm no expert but that really sounds like a symptom of depression to me. If you get diagnosed and treated you will probably be able to cope much better with your son's behaviour and you'll both enjoy life more. If you won't see your doctor for your sake, maybe you will for your son? Some people have also found parenting classes (The Parent Company do them, I think) very helpful with helping them dealing with two-ish behaviour. They aren't for bad parents, they are for excellent ones who want to be even better (just like taking a French conversation class before going on holiday!). I'm seriously considering them myself as a pre-emptive strike! There is a very supportive thread on mumsnet about depression which just shows how many intelligent, wonderful, 'normal' mothers are dealing with it so you needn't feel alone.

mummytojosh, you're only ready to sell your ds?...I'm ready to pay the charity shop to take my almost 2 year old ds away until he's 3. And he's at the childminder's all day 5 days a week! There is nothing wrong or abnormal about how you are feeling, you just need to figure out how to cope until your son gets a little older. I think all the suggestions everyone has made are great. If you can afford it, I would suggest sending him to a childminder or nursery at least a couple of days a week. It will give you a break and can only help him with socialization skills etc.
By the way, is it possible that you are pregnant again...just an idea as some of what your are describing sounds like they could be pregnancy symptoms.
Good luck.

MummytoJosh, I did post on The Trouble with Motherhood about many of the things you have spoken about. When they reach 2 it is such a difficult age, they are no longer babies but they are not as independent as they would like to be either! Sometimes my dd wants to be treated like a baby again, other times I could swear she has reached her teenage years! It is also around this time you suddenly realise what a tremendous commitment you have taken on and how much your lives will have to change! I got very depressed thinking about my lost freedom and individuality, and you feel so isolated as you think you are the only one experiencing this, everyone else's kids seem so much nicer, more well-behaved, their mothers calmer and more in control. I am still going through this horrible stage both with my dd and myself, all I can say to you is hang on in there, you are by no means alone. Keep talking about it, get your partner to be extra supportive of you at this time, you might even need to organise a night away to find yourself again. Be selfish, you've devoted 2 years to your son, now is the time to devote some time to yourself.

I can only second everything that has been so well put by everyone else on this thread. Hang on in there and try to change the structure of your days. I found mum & tot groups a boon, but then I found groups with some great people. You may need to shop around.
xxxx

MummytoJosh - My ds is only 15 months, and is already going through your scenario. He is great with dh, and always does what he says. When I ask him to do something that he doesn't want to do, or tell him off, he hits/scratches me or pulls my hair in frustration. I sincerely think that it is the 'primary carer' thing, and that he is testing your love and his security within it.

You sound very much like me. I sometimes think that my ds doesn't love me because of his behaviour, when the logical side of me knows that is totally not the case! I too think that depression is waving at me from around the corner, and am fighting hard to run in the other direction. It is so hard sometimes, and I would reiterate the points made about seeing your doctor. It is not giving in to take something for it, or get help in any way. It will make you a happier mummy to Josh, and you will enjoy him all the more.

I got a book today I ordered called the Sociable Toddler, by a company called The Children's Project (www.childrensproject.co.uk) which is a sort of picture book using photographs of real mothers and toddles which aims to decode toddler behaviour and offer strategies for enjoying your child. I thought it was really helpful and insightful with memorable and effective-seeming techniques. I thought I would find it useful when ds gets a bit more toddlerish and would recommend it to anyone struggling with tantrums etc. It is very good at making you see things from the child's perspective so you understand why they behave the way they do and can see how to help.

MummytoJosh -- you don't want to know how many times my DS has had me in near or even real tears with his horrible behaviour. DS now 3yo and busily breaking household valuables (not maliciously any more, at least...)

MummytoJosh, I can't add much more than what has already been said. But don't think you are alone. We all feel like that. I spent the first 6 months of dd's life in tears most of the time and felt inadequate for it but now realise it's normal. Noboby can prepare you for the changes to your life that a baby brings. It's one of the most overwhelming situations.
I must agree with everyone else who said that there children play up for them and then are angelic as soon as daddy walks in the door. My dd is only 14 months but already she is showing signs of this behaviour, she can be a little minx for me and having temper tantrums and wonderful daddy walks in and her world is complete but it is the same when my mum has her and im at work, basically whoever is with her all day and she gets bored with gets the naughtiness and then she's good as gold for whoever comes in the door first, me or dh.

I agree with the advice about going to see your GP and also think that you should take some time out for YOU. If you belong to a gym and they have a creche why don't you put Josh in there for an hour or two or try a local nursery, or all else failing, get daddy to look after him for a morning or afternoon at the weekend so you can go shopping or do whatever you want to do. That way at least if he is misbehaving and getting you down you will feel like you have something to look forward to.

Thinking of you xx

I won't repeat the great advice here, but just wanted to say I'm now on my second toddler and for me at least, background problems or the lack of them really do affect how I react to my children. When I've gone through good times, it is tons easier to give my all to my demanding little three footer and stay calm and follow the advice in parenting books.

When my mind in churning over problems, I swerve between intense irriation, angry outbursts, preoccupation and guilt. Having a tantrumming toddler touches a raw nerve.

Mummytojosh you say you know other problems are stressing you out, and it's good that you can step aside and see that. I hope you can get help with the other problems, even if they have no connection to josh. Allieviating them could really help you both IME. Easy to say, I know, but IME the stress of, for instance, a practical day to day thing like a car that keeps breaking down has a direct effect on my relationship with my children.

Keep posting on mumnset - it does help. You can always change your nickname if you want to discuss something else.

Tigermoth - you are so right. If I am stressed out I am far less likely to be able to deal sensibly with ds having a strop. Equally, if I'm full of the joys of Spring nothing he does seems to really get to me. Problem is that Spring is a long way away......

Thank you ALL for replying to my plea for help!
Since posting the message, I have been along to Boots and got some HOMEOPATHIC tablets for depression and stress! But, they are working, just stick em under my tongue and they work!They are called SEPIA and the full discription of them is as follows..for people who easily cry, are depressed and are easily offended,,...that, at the moment, is ME!A few Mums at Mother and toddler group told me about them, so I thought I would at least give them a try, if it failed then I would then go to the GP's after about a week, but i feel no need to go now, as they are def. working. I have stopped crying and now feel I can cope with Josh a lot better than when i posted on here the other day. Its great to know i am not alone, that most of you have felt like this at somepoint. Some of the things you have all written are so close to how I feel it's unreal! But one thing I have found is that when I feel down, Josh can easily pick up on that and does his bestest to play me up big style that day! So, I am trying to hide my emotions when around him and life seems to be on the up at the moment anyway. I am not saying I am better, but I am def. on the mend.

Good, glad you're feeling better. The homeo tablets sound good - might get some just in case it returns!

keep us posted on the tablets if you can - glad you're feeling a bit better.

Aloha - thanks SO much for sociable toddler book tip. Got it at weekend and have had so much nicer time with dd - just entering more into her world and being a bit more understanding. LOVE that book - so much so that I think it deserves it's own thread, but I don't want to steal your thunder ! It seems to answer so many of the queries posted on this site - I think everyone should have a copy. OK that's enough going on about it. The other thing that's changed my life / relationship with dd this weekend - partly encouraged by new book - is she's started feeding herself. Amazing. No more stressful mealtimes and she's eating twice as much. Hurrah. That was nothing to do with anything but I just had to share it - I'm so thrilled !