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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

4 Year old driving me mad!!!!!!!

15 replies

SnowWhiteinOz · 08/01/2008 06:49

Dd is 4 and has a major problem when leaving friends houses, play dates etc etc

she stamps her feet, says she doesn't want to go home (no problem with that one) then starts being really nasty saying she never wants to go there again, she isn't their friend and not saying goodbye she also tells them that she has no friends and no one loves her.

Its getting to the stage where I don't want to take her anywhere. Her friends mum made her a scrapbooked picture of them both and she said she didn't want it.

Do I ignore it? Just pick her up and take her out? Ground her? I appreciate it is a torrent of emotions but if it carries on she will have noone to go and play with.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Furball · 08/01/2008 06:54

Try giving her a 5 minute warning that you will be going and to quickly play with anything she wants to before she goes and think on your feet of a good reason like cooking daddys tea or I need you to help me do something at home.

Then when the 5 mins is up, confirm what you've said. The warning may help her.

Original poster

SnowWhiteinOz · 08/01/2008 07:06

Hi Furball

Thats what I usually do and as soon as I warn her the stomping and grottiness starts - haven't used the good reason with her though - my poor excuse today was that dad will be home soon!

Thanks for the reply

OP posts:

Countingthegreyhairs · 08/01/2008 12:15

My 4.5 yr old dd has been through a phase of this too recently. It's awful isn't it?

I don't take it too literally because she's a very sociable (only) child and her friendships are extremely important to her. (And I know she loves me really!!) but I feel like such a bad mother when she says she doesn't want to come home with me, especially in front of other mothers!! She once did it at school - she was adamant that she wanted to go home with another little girl and not me!! I nearly died of embarrassment.

Tbh I think the theory is that you ride out the embarrassment and ignore the "torrent" of protest. Then the message is clear - shouting and screaming doesn't work.

In reality though, because of the embarrassment factor in front of others (which dd exploits to the max btw) I tend to do exactly the same as Furball, LOTs of warnings, probably 3 or 4 at five-minute intervals, and then try and turn her mind to something that she enjoys at home and then say something like "it's been great at x's house hasn't it and I know it's sad to leave (acknowledging her feelings) but let's fix up a time when x can come to us. What do you suggest (make her feel more in control)??

TBH it only works some of the time ....
perhaps other more experienced msnetters can suggest other techniques. I'd be really grateful.

(sigh) Oh well I take courage from the fact that there seem to be loads and loads and loads of postings on Mnsnet about difficult behaviour in 4 yr olds!!!! It IS a difficult age! Good luck!

Countingthegreyhairs · 08/01/2008 12:17

Sorry - just re-read my post and it sounds as though I'm criticising Furball's approach. I'm not - I use same technique myself - just came out wrongly owing to lack of coffee today!!

mistlethrush · 08/01/2008 12:19

Its also very embarrasing when you have to carry ds (2.9) out of nursery kicking and screaming because he doesn't want to come home but stay there... At least it reassures us that he likes nursery, but even so . Just been looking in to see what we've got to look forward to!

Original poster

SnowWhiteinOz · 08/01/2008 23:14

Thanks guys at least I am not alone, have another challenge today - fingers crossed

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 08/01/2008 23:29

I bring something to eat and promise her it on the way home (is that bad?)
O r have something fun to do when we get home

critterjitter · 08/01/2008 23:32

The worst one is when you resort to: "OK then, bye bye, I'm off" and slowly start walking off, feeling sure that they'll follow. Only to look back and see them totally unconcerned by you going!

Sometimes the only answer is to do the doggy trick - and keep a chocolate in your pocket!

Countingthegreyhairs · 09/01/2008 00:11

lol Critter!

baretrees · 09/01/2008 00:29

i would ground her for a month! i mean, not say your grounding her but just have her with you at home. She wants your attention imo and will soon get over it (midnight complacency bubbles over) when she gets overloaded by it, and want to go to her friends' houses again and then you can say yes but you have to be nice blah blah but not in a cross way.

am i living in a "forgotten what 4-year-olds are like" dream? do ignore if so

miobombino · 09/01/2008 08:52

I've been through the pain barrier of this too; particularly with ds1 who's now 14. I don't mean i drag a big teenager out of friends' houses, just that i remember when he was 4 or 5 !

ime it really has to be one warning on the day, prefaced the evening before with a cosy chat, running through what she is to do when mummy comes to pick her up. Rehearse it all so she is clear. For example if you were to arrive while she's still eating pudding, mummy will wait until the meal is over, then it will be time to go. if dd and friend are playing snap or whatever, they can have one more turn each then it's time to go.

Keep it clear and simple and don't move the boundaries by offering more than one warning. It negates the warning.

Also during the cosy chat it would be worth gently emphasising that the other Mummy will have enjoyed having her around - otherwise she wouldn't have invited her after all - but the playdates always have to end as the other Mummy will now have other things to do, as will you.

You could add - if you are a no nonsense old bag like me that is - that the other child/Mummy won't be amused by tantrums and they may not want to invite her again if going home time is difficult like this.

my 4th child is just 4 and has been going on playdates for a few months now. over the years I've refined this playdate thing, and although ds4 can be a total handful at times, he's absolutely fine about leaving friends' houses after a playdate.

so yes, i'd pick her up and leave after the warning time is up. When she's calm, remind her of the consequences of kicking off, eg no more playdates for a while.

JingleyJen · 09/01/2008 09:05

I agree totally with miobombino
DS1 is nearly 4 and we have had this problem he is 85% of the time a brilliant child but it tends to be at arrival and departure times that things go wrong.
We did a parenting course through the playgroup he attended last year it was brilliant.

We now sit down with him before the event and talk through with him what is going to happen and what is expected of him (In language suitable foe a 4 year old)

So forexample I was worried about him kicking off and not going on a play date last week straight from school so we talked about him going toplay with simon, how are you going to get to simons house? is simon's mummy going to pick you up or are you going to walk to his house or are you going in a space ship or should we take your Bicycle.. and so on
By the time he went to school the next day he was really excited about not knowing how they were going to get to Simon's house.

All that said, if it doesn't work and she still kicks off I would pick her up and take her out. making it quite clear that if she can't behave nicely she won't be able to do this again for a while.
Sorry this has been a long reply - it just what we do - You are not alone I think alot of children this age go through this

Original poster

SnowWhiteinOz · 09/01/2008 22:17

Thanks guys,

She was better yesterday, I warned her and she started stamping ( I had said we would go out for lunch) so I told her last warning about stamping or no lunch. She then said goodbye to her friends and we went (I had prewarned the mothers that I would leave straight away)

She got loads of praise and was not grumpy at all....lets wait until next time.

I think I maybe make it worse cos sometimes you get chatting as you are leaving and that maybe doesn't help the situation - will have to work on that myself too.

OP posts:

pools · 04/02/2008 20:09

My 3 year old (nearly 4) is fine 95% of the time but when I say its time to go he starts running round and picking up any toy he can find and throwing them up in the air. I have tried the warning and the good reason to leave and ended up shouting at him today and saying I would never take him anywhere if he cant behave when mummy says its time for coats and shoes. He also behaves badly when I pick him up from preschool and wont hold hands or walk calmly to the car and tries to run off. Please help as its driving me mad and making me feel too pressured to take him anywhere. I sympathise with anyone with this problem

Miggsie · 04/02/2008 21:21

I got the same thing, realised that to a 4 year old the "now" is so important so ended up saying "I know you're upset but all things have an end, and now it is time to go home. You can see X tomorrw/next week".
Did not work first time but slowly sunk in after a few repeats. Now she says "oh, time to go, but it's all right because we'll be back tomorrow". Took a lot of repetition and calm trying to remove shreiking child...My DH did it with sweets and sucessfully persuaded her to leave half eaten packets of sweets "until tomorrow" (he hangs her upside down as a reward and she LOVES it although most childcare manuals I'm sure would not consider this a suitable incentive!!!!!) NOw she'll run in from nursery saying "I have some sweets left over from yesterday!" Quite a mindset change to go from "this is over" to "we can begin something else tomorrow" but it is possible...!

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