Hi,
Sorry for the long post, but there's some background information I feel is relevant!
I have a toddler who just turned 3 a couple of months ago. He's generally quite shy and takes a while to warm up to people, other than those he already knows and has a bond with. At home he's learning two languages; one is the language of the country we live in (and where my wife is from), the other is English, which is my mother tongue. We are quite consistent in each speaking to him in our native language, but since we live in my wife's home country, that language is naturally dominant, since with family here, in the kindergarten, etc he always speaks that language. The only time he speaks English is with me.
Then there are his grandparents (my parents). They are extremely conservative and strict with children. They believe children shouldn't get much attention, should be seen and not heard, should be left to cry it out at night, etc. Any kind of tantrum should be dealt with by ignoring the child and rolling their eyes. Manners are everything to them. They also speak English, but live in a different country to us. It's about a 2 day drive from us (basically northern to southern Europe), alternatively there are flights. However, with COVID they haven't seen my son very often. They came here for his 1st birthday, just before COVID entered our lives, then we went to visit them once when he was 1.5 and once when he was 2.5, each visit for 1 week. With travel restrictions it was difficult to plan more visits. During our last visit they rarely interacted with him.
We do talk online, including with my son sometimes. This is where things get awkward. He always speaks to them in his dominant language, which they don't understand, and never speaks to them in English. He also doesn't say hello to them (in fact he doesn't really say hello to anyone, since he needs time for the ice to break when he meets people). Since my parents consider manners to be so important (and saying hello is part of that), conversations between them are now essentially him saying something to them (for example telling them about a game he just played), followed by them saying "can't you say hello to us?" several times. He then loses interest and goes away. Basically they don't get along, and my parents think that my wife and I aren't raising him well (I happen to know this for a fact, without going into the details of how I know).
My thoughts are:
- A 3 year old is generally unlikely to say hello on command, a shy 3 year old even less so
- All of the COVID related lockdowns and social limits didn't exactly help to develop his social skills, we're trying to improve them now but that doesn't happen overnight
- English as a second language, which he only really associates with me, makes it more confusing and challenging for him (he clearly is less confident speaking English, and so when he knows he has to speak English with my parents, he becomes even more shy)
So are my parents right in their expectations? Am I making excuses for my son? Or are they being unreasonable and putting even more pressure on him? Thanks for reading so much and any opinions on the issue!