Can I tell you about my BF's four year old? I don't know whether his is a special need or not, even though dealing with SNs is a large part of my life. Can you just tell me what you think.. or if anything strikes you about my description of this behaviour?
Friend's DS became difficult to handle from being a 1 year old. He talked early, gave every indication of being quite advanced, intelligence wise but used to have awful tantrums. We called it "early terible twos" but it has just gone on and on and got worse and worse.
He has the most terrible rages when he can't get/have what he wants and in the old days, it seemed just a bad variation of normal, but now you can see him activiely seeking something to kick off about, he doesn't even have to have been told "no", it can just be something like getting up when told. His meltdowns used to involve vomiting at will (he seems unable to do this most of the time now although he tries!) as well as wee-ing and pooing at will. He went through a long phase until quite recently of physically attacking his parents during a meltdown but that seems to be less so at the moment.
BF, who is a very good mother and known by all her friends, including me, as being very good at dealing with children (kindly but firmly) has done nothing to cultivate this behaviour, although as time as gone on, she and DH (and us too!) find ourselves "pussy footing" round him a little because his meltdowns are so long, and violent and sometimes it's so darn inconenient for him to have one! They happen anywhere his parents are.. and sometimes us (as our families are so close we are all like family). He starts from the moment he wakes up these days.. doesn't want to get out of bed for school (he gets enough sleep; it isn't that),doesn't want to get dressed, doesn't want to eat breakfast until it's too late to eat breakfast, THEN he wants it.. won't wear coat, won't carry book bag, won't walk (BF has to half carry/half drag him to school, sometimes half dressed, which luckily is not a long walk.)
At nursery, the leaders were only aware of this behaviour from what BF and her DH told them and the fact that he would sometimes arrive with a red and tear stained face but would switch to behaving nicely as soon as he arrived. School has been a bit different. Although he loves school, has friends, gets on well and does his work (and is still v.bright) he has to be dragged all the way into the classroom most days, by the teacher herself. He seems immune to the fact that he is making a spectacle of himself in front of the other children.
It's as if he HAS to have something to "kick off" about.. he actively looks for it all the time! Eg today we all went out of sunday dinner to a pub; he immediately said he didn't want any (just to be contrary, you could see by his face) then as soon as we ordered, he wanted some. He does this a lot about everything.
It's exactly as if he HAS to know where the line is, so he can cross it, ALL the time, almost all day, every day. And he crosses it immediately. It's as if he NEEDS to cross lines even if one hasn't been drawn.. he'll establish what and where the line just SO he can cross it!
He completely exhausts and stresses out his parents who do their very best to "jolly him along" (distraction tactics) to avoid him kicking off, but he won't be distracted by the "jollying along" very often anymore.. his whole day (when not at school)revolves around doing it.. so, so does theirs! They are getting no pleasure out of him and he from them because of this and it obviously affects his 7 year sister as well. Everything has to be about "appeasing K" (I find myself doing the same) so as to avoid a meltdown if possible, although he is not spoilt and he by no means gets whatever he wants. He loves his playstation but he is banned from it most of the time because they use it to make him understand that his behaviour (eg in the morning before school) has consequences. This obviously causes further meltdowns.
They are having sessions with a counsellor and at family centre. She has been helpful in helping them understnad him a bit more but the behaviour continues.
I feel he must have ADHD or something. I am v. experienced with children and maybe a lot of what I have described sounds normal, but trust me, it's not.. it's too persistant and prolonged. It's as if he can't stop himself behaving this way. BF mentioned ADHD to the GP before he referred them to the counsellor but he said no because he doesn't do it at school. (I know at least one other parent with an older child with diagnosed ADHD who is far far better behaved at school than at home.)
My mum is convinced (since seeing something on TV) that it is some kind of autism, but I know enough about autism to know that it is far more than just difficult behaviour.
Can any of you offer any thoughts?