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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How to kindly end co-sleeping?

15 replies

planningahead · 06/01/2008 20:50

Our 3-year-old dd slept on her own in her own room until she was 2. Then we went away for a while and she started sleeping with us. She's been in our bed now for a year. She goes to sleep in her own bed, then sneaks into the big bed later. Most of the time we don't notice and we all get a good night's sleep. New baby coming in 6 months, and I know we have to sort this out in good time. What's the kindest way to end co-sleeping once and for all?

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LozaMuma · 07/01/2008 19:23

Hi Im new here so not yet used to the lingo! I have the same problem, my son is just 18 months and wakes every night screaming to get in my bed. I always give in as I have work in the morning. Its so frustrating I need help too! I just want a peaceful night, just one!

Original poster

planningahead · 07/01/2008 19:52

Any tips, anyone? We've tried carrying her back to bed in the middle of the night, she always wakes up. We even tried taking her back to her bed every time she got up, every night all night for two whole weeks. We gave up exhausted. If she doesn't fall asleep when we're reading her a goodnight story she always makes a fuss and tries it on several times before giving up. I guess we're sending her mixed messages, she knows she'll get into our bed at some point. Help!

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Surr3ymummy · 07/01/2008 19:55

can you move a mattress into her room and sleep on the floor next to her? Get her used to sleeping in her room with you first, and then start to progress by you sneaking out of her room back to your own?

scattyspice · 07/01/2008 19:59

We had big problems with DS (fraid it got worse when DD arrived as he was well aware that we were up cuddling her in the night and didn't want to be left out). The best we managed was to take him back to bed and get in with him til he fell asleep (then go back to bed). He grew out of it by himself by about 3.5 yrs.

potatocakes · 07/01/2008 20:09

They had this situation on the Jo Frost Super Nanny programme once. Her solution was to pick up the child the moment they entered the adult bed, and place them back in their own bed without a word. Took a couple of nights to resolve, with several moves per night, but it did get there in the end.

mummymagic · 07/01/2008 20:17

Personally, I wouldn't put the pressure on you and view it as 'sorting it out' for the new baby. By all means, try and get her back in her own room but when the new baby is sleeping with you/in your room then I am sure she will want to come back too(understandably IMO). Nothing is set in stone...

scattyspice · 07/01/2008 20:18

A couple of nights potatocakes!!! We tried for years!

andiemustlosehalfastonemore · 07/01/2008 20:19

my friend had this exact problem her ds was 5 when the new baby was born and what she did was let him still come in until the baby was 6 months and said when the baby goes into her own room you will too and it worked
not sure if you wnat to leave it that long but it was a no tears way of doing it for them

Hassled · 07/01/2008 20:22

We had DS3 doing the nightly visits until he nearly 4 - we didn't even wake up when he got in with us. We tried bribery etc without success - what finally worked was a bedroom rearrangement so that he had a different room (sharing with DS2, which helped), new bed, new duvet cover which he chose etc. Then he miraculously stayed in his own bed - a least 80% of the time (at 5.5, he still gets in with us sometimes). Not a solution if you have 2 bedrooms, but if there is any spare capacity a bedroom reshuffle might help.

Original poster

planningahead · 08/01/2008 10:44

Thanks everyone, I agree that when new dd comes older dd will definitely not want to miss out, maybe I should just chill and leave it until baby gets moved out of our room, older dd will be over four by then. My instinct tells me I should wait till she decides herself that she needs her own space, I'm just worried that she should be learning to sleep alone, she still reaches out for me several times in the night, touches my hair, is it real need for physical contact or just a habit we should be helping her to break?
We tried the Super Nanny approach, the wordless taking back to bed at night, she didn't stop coming in and after two weeks we gave up out of sheer exhaustion.
I appreciate all your thoughts.

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andiemustlosehalfastonemore · 08/01/2008 11:19

planningahead I saw something by richard ferber where he said he deeply regretted saying in his first book that children should learn how to sleep alone to be independent and he doesn't think that now so I would chill if you are happy and she is happy I'm sure she won't be there when she is 16
the moving out when the baby did worked for my friend and they haven't looked back

Original poster

planningahead · 08/01/2008 12:58

Thanks Andie, good to know the experts are also revising their opinions - I think we generally expect our kids to be too independent before they're ready.

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andiemustlosehalfastonemore · 08/01/2008 13:13

ikwym my second is 6 months and we won't be having anymore and I just want him to stay a baby for ever

mummymagic · 09/01/2008 09:37

andie, what a great idea. Will have to try and remember that one...

planningahead, your dd DOES already sleep alone for the evening. She sounds like my dd - she CAN sleep alone but really her first choice is to sleep with someone else (mum!) so if that option is/can be there then she will obviously choose that. I dont think she is too reliant on you (if there even is such a thing at this age) as she is happily going to bed alone and making the decision to come in later when she wakes up. I am sure if you were firm and consistently explained during the day that she couldn't come in, it would be fine - but do you really need to???

FWIW I think it's great if she can be easily settled and comforted by your presence. My dd has had a horrible cough and medicine hasn't helped her so much. But falling asleep with her hand on me or cuddling me does. i looked at her and thought I am so glad I have this option

It's also good that she is making the decision to come and seek comfort. Very pro-active!

Go with your instinct - you know your dd better than anyone. And enjoy your new family!

kitbit · 09/01/2008 12:15

If it isn't broken don´t fix it - unless it's causing a real problem would you be happy going with the flow for the time being and making a change when she seems ready? ds (3) is unsettled at the moment (some changes at home plus Christmas!) and comes padding through most nights to hop in with us. I know that if I try to insist he goes back to his room he won't sleep as he's coming in for company and reassurance, so for the moment we'll go with it and when he seems more settled I'll take him back to his room when he wakes but sleep on his pull out bed in there with him so that he knows I'm there. Eventually he'll be OK without me there again...last time this took a couple of months but wasn't painful - but at the moment he really needs our company when he wakes up (he gets into our bed and cuddles right in) so that's what we're doing. Agree with mummymagic, it's great when this easy thing solves the problem!

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