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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Independant play - how do I get my children to play on their own?

33 replies

mumjoanne · 05/01/2008 21:35

Help - I have 2 children - nearly 4 yr old boy and 2 yr old girl. Both play really nicely when I am involved but they are terrible at playing on their own. If I leave them to play so that I can get on with jobs, they manage it for about 3 minutes and then pester me to join them or they try and get involved in what I am doing. (They don't even like to watch TV on their own). I am a full time Mum and sometimes just need them to play on their own so that I can get on with things. Any ideas??? I am really struggling with this one?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lyra41 · 05/01/2008 21:50

All I can suggest is that you try to involve them in what you are doing, and when you REALLY can't (say you need to use the phone), let them watch a video.

eucalyptus · 05/01/2008 21:50

Maybe they are just a bit young to play well togerther on their own? My 2 are now 5 and 6 and they are really great - a lot of it is copying nursery / school rituals and very funny.

Also they like different things which can be a problem, but we just try and teach them how to play nicely together

Could youand your dp try andmodel how to 'play' independently?

Also, why not let them get involved in what you are doing, mine love emptying and reloading the dishwasher and soon they will be doing it all by themselves and tehy are not bad with the washing machine either. It may take you a bit longer to do things now but it will pay dividends later. And they may well get bored with helping you and go off to play

Original poster

mumjoanne · 05/01/2008 21:57

Yes - I think you're right that I should get them involved more in what I'm doing - I do try to do that but should probably do it more. I suppose I see children of friends who play on their own and are totally absorbed in their trains/cars/dolls and I'm worried that my 2 don't seem to be able to do that. Do you think they will learn to play on their own as they get older?

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roisin · 05/01/2008 22:01

It will come as they are older: it's also linked partially with personality.

Ds1 wouldn't play much on his own or with ds2 until he was about 5. But ds2 would play on his own for up to 2 hrs when he was just 2!

Even now ds1 (10) prefers to have interaction, and will pop down (in the middle of my TV prog) to tell me about the book he's currently reading! Or will want input when he's part-way through a project. DS2 just gets on and finishes it, and only comes for input if he's really, really stuck.

Interestingly though ds2 is more socially-adept than ds1 and has better skills than ds1; even though he's happier to spend time alone.

BroccoliSpears · 05/01/2008 22:05

My little girl is younger than your two (20 months), so I hesitate to offer my thoughts. Anyway I have recently noticed that she has started to play by herself for short times. Influencing factors (I think) have been:

Predictability: She knows that every morning I'm going to go in the shower and she's going to have to get on with it for 10 mins until I'm out. She's resigned to it. She plays better by herself at this time than at any other.
Books: She amuses herself 'reading' her books to herself for a lot longer than she ever plays with a toy by herself.
Knowing what to do: Toys we have spent a lot of time playing with together are more likely to amuse her by herself as she recreates what we did.
Playing together and expecting poor returns!! I reckon that at times when I play with her a lot - really involved playing - she plays by herself more easily, but there's a whole lot of playing together for not much playing alone.

tassisssss · 05/01/2008 22:07

what works for my 4 year old is presenting v specific choices - like you can play with your duplo, your cars or do jigsaws, what do you choose

often works. he's pretty good once he gets into it, just needs to be set on task.

Original poster

mumjoanne · 05/01/2008 22:10

Roisin - v. interesting what you say about the personalities of your children - it sounds v. similar to mine. DD (2yo) is most confident socially but out of the 2 she is marginally the best at playing on her own - would probably be better if not interupted by DS. Thanks for the thought that it will get better - something to look forward to!

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Anna8888 · 05/01/2008 22:11

Crikey - sounds very difficult.

My 3 year old plays for hours on her own - she has lots of toys like Lego, a doll's house with lots of furniture and equipment, a farm and animals, baby dolls with clothes, beds, high chair etc that keep her very occupied. She also has a mini-vacuum, mini-iron and ironing board, mini clothes horse, mini pots and pans and "works" alongside me. She often chatters while she plays, and she asks me for help when she needs it, but she certainly doesn't expect me to play with her all the time. Oh, and she kicks a ball around or practises on her scooter or bicycle.

Do you think they have the right toys for their age/development level?

chocolatespiders · 05/01/2008 22:13

there was a thread like this yesterday exactly the same that may help you

specialmagiclady · 05/01/2008 22:14

I would agree re setting a task. If I say to my 2.11 yo DS1 "go and play with your lego" he'll say "Mummy come and play with me" or whatever. But if I say "Why don't you see if you can make a really big castle out of lego" then that's more likely to work.

Also, if I want to cook something without "help" I bring in his pans and cooker and he "cooks" on the floor. Or I bring his pens and say "why don't you draw a picture of you eating your supper" or whatever. Parallel play, I think it's called. /

chocolatespiders · 05/01/2008 22:14

it was in parenting topic

Staceym21AtLast · 05/01/2008 22:17

my 2 (3.2 and 14months) play on their own in their room, if you count emptying every box/jigsaw/cupboard/bookshelf onto the floor playing?

but they do it together, they lay on dds bed and 'love' each other (which involves rolling and ultimately someone getting hurt, usually dd when ds kisses her, which involves headbutting!)

it gives me time to do what im doing, then we all tidy their room.

the problem i have is when dd wants ds to do something he doesnt want to, then i have to stop what im doing and intervene!

i would say in your case. start soemthing with them, possibly a something each and play for 10 mins or so with them, then say, mummy has just got to go and do xxx, you kep playing.

they may be involved enough to keep going!

Original poster

mumjoanne · 05/01/2008 22:20

Anna8888 - yes we have all the toys that you have listed and they both play with them beautifully if I sit on the floor and play with them. We build towers, make a farm, rescue Teletubbies from the dolls house with the fire engine etc but then if I say 'you carry on I just need to make a phone call, go to the loo, feed the dog etc they don't seem to be able to carry on by themselves. This makes it sound as though I want my children to bring themselves up - but all I really want is the odd 20 minutes in a 12 day to get on with some things without having to provide a running commentary or involved DS and DD.

Tassisssss - yes presenting choices seems to help - although after 3 minutes of playing with the chosen toy - they are back with me or asking for me to do it with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

mumjoanne · 05/01/2008 22:22

Thanks chocolatespiders - will take a look

OP posts:

Staceym21AtLast · 05/01/2008 22:24

how about you say, you carry on and tell them what to do in shouted voice at intervals (easy for me in a flat, may not work for you!)

not sure. if not just ignor them, they might go back to playing or scream the place down either one a viable option!

sorry ran out of real advice there!

Original poster

mumjoanne · 05/01/2008 22:28

I'll give these ideas a go tomorrow and see how I get on - wish me luck!

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eucalyptus · 05/01/2008 22:32

Just wondered - do you always play with them both together? Mine were long used to the concept of 'sharing' me and entertaining themselves for 5 mins whilst it was the other's turn. Maybe if you started that for a few minutes they would get used to it a bit more?

I think the age / sex of your children is relevant - my dd is the older and tends to lead their joint play; ds is much better at playing by himself. It is getting trickier at the moment as dd just wants to read whereas ds likes someone to play with (roll on back to school next week )

I am sure it will get better - maybe just make the most of this precious time when they do want you - not long before they are teenagers and will not even acknowledge you

laundrylover · 05/01/2008 22:36

Mine are the same age as yours more or less and they do play quite well together if they are in good moods. Things they like best are:

Have a disco in the dining room with torches and loud music.

Make a 'second hand shop' (their idea!) with all their toys and a little table etc.

Put play tents out or make a den with blankets under the table.

Basically anything that involves imagination and them getting ALL the toys out and rearranging the furniture.

In the kitchen I can set them up with pots and pans and water and let them get very wet - then I give them lots of cloths and the floor gets mopped too!

Original poster

mumjoanne · 05/01/2008 22:43

I like the 'sharing me' idea - will definitely try that - I do tend to play with them both at the same time so one at a time would introduce the idea of them playing on their own for short periods.

I will set up the disco for them - think that's great idea.

OP posts:

laundrylover · 05/01/2008 22:50

Mumjoanne,

You must always remember that kids are strange things! They don't often like to play with things on their own that are set up as 'play things' IMO. For instance DD1 spent a whole afternoon in the under stairs cupbaord with a torch when I cleared it out. Was tempted to leave it as a play house but since then have filled it up with stuff of course. Fact is the novelty would've worn off anyway.

Another thing my two really like is emptying out the shoe box (we get given loads of kids shoes) and lining them all up. As I said, strange things....

Original poster

mumjoanne · 05/01/2008 22:54

V true - I wonder if I have done too much entertaining and have not allowed them enough time to get bored and look for their own activities. I wonder if this is because I gave up work and then started orgainising everything at home!

OP posts:

blueshoes · 05/01/2008 22:59

roisin, mumjoanne, I totally back the personality thing.

Both my dcs 4 and 1 will not play by themselves and if they do, it is completely spontaneous, not more than 5 mins at a time and at a random time, which makes it impossible for me to organise my time around it.

But I have noticed that they are extroverts. Always wanting to be around people. My dd 4's stock phrase is 'I don't want to be all by myself". Ds 1 is very young, but he is a velcro baby. They smother me and dh with cuddles and affection, and smile so sweetly, interactive children.

I, on the other hand, am a very happy introvert. I can and prefer to think things through on my own. Had great imagination as a child and a capacity to amuse myself. But I am not particularly tactile and have been known to push my parents away.

Hurray for extroverts, but they are a PITA to raise!

laundrylover · 05/01/2008 23:09

I read a report a while back in the Guardian about the fact that some kids are not given any time to get bored and make their own fun. Made me feel much better about my crap parenting I can tell you.

In fact I think I may have finished the whole article whilst ignoring the kids in defiance!!

eucalyptus · 05/01/2008 23:14

Also agree on the 'favourite toys' point.

We recently moved so I had some large, empty boxes in the lounge waiting to go out - kids loved them and used them for all sorts of games before they finally went!

Another favourite game is to rearrange the cushions on the sofa and make a rabbit hutch with the aid of the clothes horse and towels (the kids being the rabbits!)

My mother has a fit about the untidyness of the house after games like these but thankfully I have no such problems

blueshoes · 05/01/2008 23:17

mumjoanne, I am told reading could be the answer. I am waiting impatiently for the day my dd can read ...

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