Am I being paranoid - ds seems to love his dad but not me - very upsetting.

[rubadubadoo]

I've noticed for a long time now that ds isn't exactly an affectionate type of chap, doesn't really like cuddles, hardly looks at me. He's just turned one and it has been obvious today and over Christmas how he pays me hardly any regard or attention - in fact if I try and play with him he's just not interested in fact he positively hates me getting involved. Now when it comes to dh ( who never does anything for ds in terms of looking after him, changing him, feeding him) he always wants to be with him, on his lap - as soon as daddy is in sight he gets excited. This doesn't happen the other way around and I am getting upset thinking he must hate me and what am I doing wrong. It's so obvious that even members of dh's family are noticing how little ds wants to be with me.

This is so painful and hurtful, I know. As long as you are sure you have no deep rooted issues (difficult birth/ PND etc) then it is probably because you do everything for your ds that he takes you for granted! What is he like if you are out of the picture?? I'm sure he is relieved when you return. I had similar problem with my mum and ds but when I went away for a few days and she looked after him he was very glad and affectionate on my return. They know you love them no matter what so test it. Doesn't make it easier I know but he doesn't hate you. You are his world x

I don't mean to trivialise this, but just wanted to check that it was nothing simple like strong smelling perfume? (Only saying as am mildly allergic to it myself and can't stand being near it).

Thank you for being so kind and understanding. I did have a difficult birth and am suffering from PND and am still taking medication. The few times I have left ds with his dad or family for a few hours - he never noticed me go or return(I can only be away for a few hours as my dh won't change or feed ds - it's always been down to me). At the time I thought well I've got an independent little chappy and how lovely that he doesn't get distraught when I go and that he is happy with others. Now I'm feeling hurt - he actually looks scared of me sometimes and only returns to normal when passed to his dad. When he's with me and dh arrives home he clearly gets all excited. I don;t know what to do. DH tells me I'm being stupid but I don't hink I am.

Hi Crokky - no I don't like perfume at all.

Try not to worry about it too much - I was my mum's first child and she had a nasty bout of PND when I was born - it has never affected me/our relationship at all and it went away after a year (ish). It did not come back with any of her subsequent children either.

Also your DS may just be going through a stage - my [toddler] DS is currently very clingy indeed (and I have no idea why/what has made him like this). Nothing has happened or changed.

Thanks for the reassuring words.

'It's probably a stage' is a really bloody irritating comment, I know, but it might well be true in this case! Ds is now four and he's been through phases of preferring one parent to the other - I think I was out of favour when he was the same age as your ds.

I felt very sympathetic to dh during the previous 'Mummy, Mummy, Mummy' stage because however grown up you try to be it does hurt.. but I hadn't realised quite how hard it is until he hit his first 'only Daddy will do' phase.

It's also a kind of compliment - he KNOWS you love him and feels secure enough to go off and spend time with others. He is sure you will still be around when he needs you. Plus when Daddy gets home from work he has the added attraction of novelty - he's been with you all day, Daddy is new and interesting.

HTH

Oh, and it's kind of handy if they are in a 'Daddy' phase. If they wake in the middle of the night and call for daddy you are fully justified in turning over and letting daddy deal with it!

No you are not being stupid at all. I had emergency c section and my mum held ds before me. Took a long time to get over that one. It leaves you with such mixed up feelings at an already hormonal and emotional time. All I will say is ds def picked up on my feelings and if I felt very unhappy or distant from him he behaved almost the same way. I took ADs for a good year which made things seem much clearer for me and helped me bond better with him.
Are you sure it isn't you low opinion of yourself that is clouding what is going on. He may give a little smile when you return or sometimes it can go the other way and they punish you for being away. Does he come to you if he is hurt or needs feeding etc?
He is excited to see daddy because daddy doesn't do much (sorry no offence)so it is more of a bonus or more special perhaps.
Maybe you are trying too hard too, perhaps try and be completely yourself and see how that goes. It sounds like you could do with some support to make you feel better about yourself which would help you feel secure in your mother son relationship. Its hard because I don't know you but I'm sure its not as bad as you may think x

hi Rub

my DS is a Daddy's boy ... it is rare that he will come to me for cuddles and at times it hurts BUT i think part of it is because i am a more of a presence day to day than Daddy and he takes me for granted a bit

he doesn't hate you - really

however, I do think it is a phase - there will be a time that he needs me/comes to me first

show your DH this thread so he can see your feeling about it - he shouldn't trivialise it

FWIW, i recently went away for work for 2 days and returned to a luke warm welcome -

DH walked through the door about 10 mins after me and it was like the Messiah himself had walked in!

also, interesting x-posts with Edam - think we are saying the same thing

This is happening with me too. Ds is nearly 1, and dh has been on holiday from work for 2 weeks now. DS much prefers to be with dh - we both call him "flavour of the month". I think it's because he usually only really sees dh in the morning and evening for about 1/2 hr / 45 mins, and at weekends. Dh is a novelty (not meant in a nasty way).

Also, when I return from work to pick him up from his nan's, he gets clingy to them. But I think it's because they give him loads of attention, he knows it's home time, and he sees me every day. BUT when dh gets back from work he runs to him!!

I don't think it is really that they don't like us, and I try not to let it bother me. but it does hurt doesnt it?

But I am the one who cuddles him when he is ill, I do everything for and with him in the daytime. I think they are taking us for granted.

edam - I agree - if he wants daddy all the time, its only right they do to them in the middle of the night

Thanks everyone - I know I'm not alone at least. Ruby - I would love to show ds this thread but he would not be very happy if he knew I was talking about this on line to others. He thinks I'm mad at the best of times and hates any emotional conversation especially when he's watching the TV (which is nearly always!)

I do think you should try to tell your DH how you feel in a way that is ok for you both

I hope you feel bit more reassured ... MN is a great place to unload and get plenty of virtual shoulders to cry on ...

Absolutely agree about MN - at the end of a difficult day MN can be a lifesaver, as you say you can unload and try and get things back into perspective - a little at any rate!

I went through this with DS1, now 3. I had some really low points and DH would get really cross with me and tell me I was making it into a big deal when he thought it wasn't.
To be fair to my DH, despite me bf DS for a year, he was/is a really involved Dad, was generally a lot calmer with DS1 than me.

I suspect I also had a touch of PND, I was certainly v. hormonal and found it difficult to cope. Realised how bad I was when I bounced back quicker this time with DS2 (a nightmare reflux baby).

It's really hard for other people to understand how hurtful it is to feel rejected and it turns into a bit of a vicious circle of you being tense and them avoiding you. Am feeling quite sick now remembering the tears and the arguments I had with DH over this.

What makes it harder is that everyone expects a baby to want their mother more, and are really shocked when the baby turns away from mummy to get Daddy. (my experience anyway).

Things came to a head for me when I was TTC n°2. Had several false alerts, then a miscarriage at 10 weeks and after that kind of woke up and decided to concentrate properly on the baby I had (18 mths at the time). I think before that I had kind of written him off and thought, "oh well, I'll bond with the next one better".

Anyway, things kind of shifted for me, and now I am (naughtily, but secretly) gratified when DS1 says "no, I want mummy to do it" like at the moment when he is sick.

Oh yes, and DS2 is a TOTAL mummy's boy, but that would be because formerly angelic DH took off to sleep in the spare room for 6 mths leaving me "holding the [screaming] baby"...

This is a complete essay now, so sorry, hope you know you are not alone and it will pass anyway ! hugs

How long has this been going on?
I went through it with both my sons at about the age of 2.5-3. They both grew out of it (phew!)
Hopefully it's just a phase and yours will come through it too.

Sorry you are feeling down about this. Your ds does not hate you - try not to be so hard on yourself. You are NOT mad or stupid!!!

your op struck a chord because dd is a daddy's girl but that's definitely because he finds it more difficult to say 'no' than I do, I'm the disciplinarian, and I do all the stuff she doesn't like such as having a bath(!), putting cream on her excema (can't spell tonight for some reason) making sure she washes her hands after the loo, monitoring her diet ad infinitum etc etc ....

I don't want to sound harsh to your dh but why won't he feed or change your ds? I think that's pretty extreme isn't it?

Could it be that you do all the boring routine stuff with ds, and your dh gets to do all the fun bits and that's why ds prefers him at the moment ...

And now I'm on my high horse, what business is it of your dh's that you go on-line when he watches TV? Don't wish to cause offence but you are allowed your own interests and freedoms. And you are not betraying any confidences when you post anonymously.

Your dh sounds a wee bit controlling (again sorry if I'm reading this all wrong) or is he one of those guys who's a bit anxious but covers it up by being detached & non-emotional? Could this be one of those situations where your dh NEEDs to feel strong affection from your ds because he has issues himself. So it's not really about ds, but about yr dhs needs.

I apologise for the amateur psychology. I'm probably barking up the wrong tree and have been watching too many programmes featuring St Tanya Byron. Just throwing out ideas thats all ....

Try not to worry, as others have said, it is just a phase. I know from observing friend's children that their preferences for each parent do chop and change.

hi rubadubado
im sure your son dosn't hate you i know how you feel though im in the same position difficult labour and pnd my ds is 1 1/2 and he can be difficult at times and dosnt listen to me but dh say jump and he will try to say how high now i know it seems this way to you but theres no way he hates you your his mummy he just taking you for granted as hes with you constantly and not with dh.

My sil has this. Her ds is not affectionate to her. Totally into daddy. It has really hurt her. Then she had a daughter, and she is very affectionate. It eased the hurt.

For my sil it was not a 'stage'. Her ds is now nearly 4 and it is, the way it is.
And she had 10 years of trying to concieve and no PND.
There have been similar threads to this. I wonder if we can find one.

This is a very painful situation. I'm sorry you're going through it.

My DS (32 months) has always always preferred his dad from when he could express a preference (5 months of age). It hurts a lot.

I used to blame it on me just being me and obviously not a good mum etc.

I now have a baby girl who is 9 months. She adores me and I her. She adores her dad too. Her responses to us are what I expected from my baby.

It's hardly scientific but I blame DS's traumatic birth (long labour, ventouse, emergency C-section, my subsequent postnatal anxieties) for him not wanting to be close to me. He always clamours for his father in the night, when hurt, upset etc. DD had a very straightforward, natural birth and she is quite a different child. But she might have been different anyway. I don't know.

It hurts but I hug him and kiss him a lot regardless of his protests and make sure he knows I love him. I'm not out to be a martyr but I think this is one of those times when a mum has to truly put herself as risk of rejection and it happens to me a lot.

I just think DS and I have a very different relationship to the one I expected to have. But we have a relationship and I hope he's secure with that. It takes time but you do come to terms with it.

I am also sure your ds loves you, but I think at this age its a kind of deep down love, like it's in their bones. And they certainly don't always show it.

They get excited by exciting things and like others have said, fun novelty dad is usually much more interesting than everyday mum who does all the boring jobs. He probably takes it for granted taht you are part of his life just as much as the air that he breathes.

I think it's quite normal as well that they save the big greetings for dad and treat mum differently, several of my friends have mentionned it too. Maybe from the very beginning they get used to dad leaving and coming back and all the excitement caused by the return. But then when mum goes I don't think they know how to deal with it so sometimes they just try and ignore it.

Can you set aside some time to do fun stuff together every day? My DS is a similar age and is not a cuddly baby at all (he just pushes away and wriggles to get down to do something more interesting) - but he beams with delight at laughter and big noises and things falling down etc. He likes being pushed on the swings with lots of whooping and silly noises, and watching someone build towers of stacking beakers taht he can demolish or banging on pans with spoons. Or having someone crawling round the house chasing him with lots of noisy hands on the floor and peekaboo behind the table/sofa. And looking at pictures of animals with someone making silly animal noises etc...

At some point I remember noticing DP was getting to do all this fun stuff when he got in after work, where as my day had been spent trying to get things done with hardly any time for messing about. Is there any way you can set aside some fun time just for you and ds when there's no one else around (and all jobs to be done can be ignored for half an hour)

Sorry I have gone on...

Hi

I really hope that your situation is getting better and that your little one is being more affectionate.

I'm afraid that my DD has started to behave in a similar way. She's lovely when DH isn't around but has taken to throwing herself on the floor if I try to pick her up in his presence.

I was very depressed about the whole thing but after a long time I spoke to my DH and although it was awful to have to admit it to someone, he was very good about it and encourages her to kiss/cuddle/play with me.

I have decided to not let it affect our relationship and am always positive, even after a rejection. This is hard but seems to work. I also did some things for myself to cheer myself up and make it easier to deal with.

I really think you should talk to your DH as his support to bring you both together might be all that is needed.

Btw I had a great pregnancy, great birth and no PND, so it can happen to anyone.