Worried at how naive and gullible my 11 year old daughter is

[WhatIsNapTime]

My daughter is 11 and started secondary school last September. I've just got off the phone from her teacher who called to tell me her friends had reported a worrying relationship she was engaging in with a man online. I was honestly shocked at what she told me. I can believe that she would respond to an initial message thinking it's funny to see what they say as I've seen her with friends doing similar (and obviously had a chat with them about this) but then I would fully expect her to block them. She has Instagram and tiktok so weirdos do pop up and she usually tells me about it or sends me the screenshot and we've had numerous discussions about these people so the fact that she's been actively engaging with him apparently saying she's 14 telling him things about her family and telling him she's going to lunch and him telling her not to or she'll get fat!! I'm honestly so gobsmacked at how deep she's gone down and that I didn't notice. I know kids get sucked in and if the picture was a little teenage boy that she thinks likes her I can imagine how she could maybe get sucked in but the picture is clearly a very average man in his 20s in another country the generic type that send mass emails usually scamming for money so we have spoke about it and I would have thought she'd be more on guard but clearly not. This is going on a ramble I'm sorry but I'm just so shocked. She is unbelievably gullible to the point that I worry though. She believes ridiculous things people tell her, she still doesn't quite understand that tv shows aren't real life. That the actors aren't really in a hospital and that's not really they're family and I think at 11 she should understand things like this. I don't really know what I'm asking here but I just don't know what to do. Should I completely take away her phone? Or should I not come at this from a punishment angle? I honestly never thought I'd be in this position and I've no idea what to do. Appreciate any advice

At 11yo, I’d expect you to be checking her phone messages. I’d give that as one thing that is a condition of her keeping her phone. I wouldn’t take it away at this point because it’s very good for friendships in year 7.

I also had a rule with my dc at that age that anyone they replied to in a message they had to know in real life. Occasionally you got X’s cousin who’d joined a group chat, and you worked round that depending on situation.

Also, with my most gullible dc, got them to message me and I replied, pretending I was their age to show how they gave away information (things like “oh yes, we can hear the planes take off from Heathrow at school”. “We have horrible yellow and red ties at school” “my sister’s three years older than me-she’s doing her GCSEs next year”) that they don’t see as giving away information but can make them traceable.

They came down most indignant at the “lies” I’d told. I asked them if they would have known that they were lies if they hadn’t known me…. It sank in.

I’d also tell her to be thankful that her friends were responsible enough to report it. And tell her she needs to repay the concern they had by also looking out for strangers potentially grooming them. By showing her what to look for to help her friends you are arming her with the knowledge without it feeling like a lecture about what she’s done wrong.