Help! Urgent advice needed on nearly 5 year old DD who doesn't like leaving places

[curlywurlywee]

Would really love some to talk to someone who has had the same problems. My nearly 5 year old DD, over the last month, has thrown massive wobblies when asked to leave friends house/play centre etc. She really goes for it and gets very angry and starts hitting me. Sometimes I have to just grab her kicking and screaming and just run away in embarrassment. She did it very publicly the other day in a play centre and everyone was looking, including lots of parents from her new school - mortifying. She's always had a bit of a temper on her but I'm at my wits end with it and punishments/threats do not seem to work. Any ideas any of you please, please, please!

Sorry if you do this but I find I start 30 mins before saying "we'll leave in half an hour" then keep announcing it every five mins

Thanks for that emkana. I do give her a warning but not 30 minutes and then repeating it. That's a good idea. The trouble seems to be that she says she has not finished the immediate game that she's playing and and then gets cross. That's fair enough but she gets so angry. I've got friends with children of a similar age and they mostly don't react as severely. Bloody nightmare.

DS1 used to be a master at this.

We found the following worked.

Always give a 10 minute warning before leaving.
Then five minute.
Then one.

Tell her in advance that if she leaves calmly, then you will arrange to visit again soon, or reciprocate invitation.

The promise of a sticker when you get to the car may be effective, but my DS was only really motivated by hard cash, so we didn't go down that route!

Lots of warning and preparation before that it's going to happen, and prepare a distraction to offer as soon as you are in the car/on the walk home etc. I had this for a long time with ds (now 8, and i still have to arrive at school braced for hatred and pockets filled with buns) and dd (4) is better BUT has started HATING me, apparently. I'm generally much less bothered about what other people have to witness now though. i promise you get a thicker skin over time. just do what you think is right and ignore staring parents! yesterday in waitrose (asking for trouble, i suppose) my dd turned on her heel in a strop straight into someone's trolley. she was in pain, i was embarrassed, he tutted and strolled off and my ds (usually v unfeeling) said - the worst thing about that, mummy, was that the man she hit was so rude and didn't say anything to her. well said, i thought...

My dd1 can get very angry in that situation as well.

When it's really time to go I do allow her to finish/do one last thing, like one more go down the slide or similar.

my ds1 does this over other things and if it's predictable i go for straight forward discussion and bribery i'm afraid. discuss what will happen when you leave where ever and explain that she'll get this nice thing if she leaves nicely [mini pack of sweets type thing] and [this is the bad parent bit]if she's silly again favourite teddy'/ what ever will go on a high shelf. it works for me, but a lot of mums on here don't do that sort of thing. i would also give a 10 minute count down before you leave and remind her of your agreement. it works for me - but i would only use this for extreme things.

Thanks for that BYM and GS. So glad to hear I'm not the only one. Funny how we don't see other people's kids doing it. Warning and preparation seems the order of the day and bribery. Probably choc is the only thing that will work and I've decided to check with her whether she's in the middle of a particular game before I march her off. Feel like I'm the child and she's the adult in control - probably true!! I think she's been thoroughly spoilt over Xmas which hasn't helped. Lol at the buns GS. Food is the way to go. How old were your kids when they grew out of this particularly charming phase?

Ooh my ds was doing this last year whilst in reception. If I went to collect him from a playdate he'd do a runner and I'd have to chase him through a strangers house, once I had to man handle him dow the stairs and he clug on to evry balustrade all the way down the stairs. The Dad stood on the other side prising his fingers off.

Little shit darling

Doesn't do it anymore thogh.

LL74, I'm with you on the bribery front - it's the only thing that works for my DD. Over the last week she has had:

a day's choc ban (very tough for her)
a day's CBeebies ban
One bedtime with no stories

Hoping she will get the message very soon as realise that there are consequences to bad behaviour.

At the play centre, one of the employees got involved with the mega strop. To my horror, she started telling my DD that she wouldn't be able to come back again and then proceeded to grab hold of her arms and pull her along the mat, then got hold of both of her legs and pulled her. I told her that that was my job and she backed off. Bit of a change of direction but what do you think of that? I rang the centre later and complained - did I go over the top - quite possible as I was in tears with the horror of it all!

Lol at Dr N. Sounds very familar - the prising off of the fingers. What nightmare.

Wow, I would be mad if an employee did that! (But I might resort to it with my stroppy dcs though....)

I don't see at all why a child should get a sweetie bribe or whatever for leaving a play centre! I would never do that. I'm sorry if people think that's mean but surely going there in itself is the treat - they don't need another treat just for leaving nicely. imo of course.

I'm afraid I'm in the give a warning/try to reason in face of strop/drag outside camp. My dcs all give me grief leaving everything nice, no matter how much preparation is done, and now I don't get nearly as embarrassed about it. dd1(6) wouldn't usually scream and shout anymore, it would be more of a frown, stamped foot and "you're so mean" kind of sulk.

curlywurlywee, I would have walked out and pretended to leave her there. That works with one of mine (he always runs behind me wailing) but dd2 (only 2) would probably just stay there happily alone so I have to cart her off with flailing arms and legs, past smug onlookers....

Wonder why you bother doing nice things?

I wait till a child is ready to leave a place (and if I don't have my book in my bag it's noone's fault but my own)

or

I think of something the child would like even more than being in the place. Portable DVD players can be great for smoothing transitions. Snacks are often good too. Being ready to wait longer if necessary diffuses the tension (After all, if the play centre was the point of the trip, it's a bit pants to be rushing the recipient of the treat out of the place in tears isn't it?).

THis time of year, a little nadful of chocolate coins lovingly wrapped in left over wrapping paper covers a multitude of exits :-)

Handful. Not nadful (bit of a gross mental image now...)

bribery is thre only thing that works for my dd

10 minute warning

"DD we're leaving in 10 minutes, ok?" await acknowledgemetn

5 minute warning

"DD we now have 5 minutes more and then we're leaving ok" await acknowledgement

keep announcing every minute then

at 2 minutes ask her to put her shoes on

at 0 shoes on and leave

I agree with Twiglett's approach and similar suggested by others.

Five is a good age to sort this out, as much bigger and she'll be hard to bodily carry out - kicking and screaming if necessary.

As this has become such a problem for you I would start a new regime with 'rewards' for leaving peacefully and agreeably. So before you go to the park (or wherever) talk to her about leaving. Tell her the warnings you are going to give her, and show her the sticky bun (or whatever) that she will get to eat in the car afterwards if she leaves nicely without a fuss when you say. Chatting about these situations when they are not happening can be very helpful. Explain to your child that everyone feels sad when it's time to leave somewhere, but that's the way it has to be.

Make sure you stick to your guns and go when you say you are going to. Quite often children who prevaricate about leaving have parents who often prevaricate too! And don't give her the reward unless she earns it.

When you are safely in the car say to her either "well done - it makes me so happy when you follow my instructions, here's your special reward" or "I feel sad because we had a trauma again leaving XYZ. I hope next time we will do better so that you can have a reward."

Also, verbalise your own thoughts and feelings as this can help children understand their own.

"I know we are leaving in two minutes, so I'm just getting all my things together. I'm putting all the things back in my bag, and checking I've got my car keys handy. I've had a really lovely time here today, and I'm sad now that it's time to leave. But I know it's OK because everyone has been so well behaved we'll be able to come here again very soon." etc.