Spoiling a toddler with attention or responding to their need for attention???

[MumofGreatbutCrazyBoy]

I have a very active very demanding toddler ( maybe they are all lol!)

He's in creche four days a week and with me three days a week. DH has ongoing health issues so I am my little ones primary care giver .

He's never been a chilled out baby or easy but he's going through an extremely difficult phase. He's at everything and testing boundaries all the time and everytime he's told no he has constant meltdowns and crying fits that can on for 30 mins plus.

I feel like life is a constant battle.

His behaviour is noticeably worse on the days he's in creche. Particularly around dinner time he will only eat on my knee, won't go into highchair won't sit at toddler seat
. Then my husband tries to take him into living room for me to get some peace to eat and he has melt down not being in same room as me and i usually give in and let him sit on my knee whilst I eat my dinner . Then he wants to use my knife and fork or throw my food away which obviously I won't let him and then another tantrum will start. I would guess for the 2 hrs from 5 til 7 ish between creche n bedtime he will cry about 50%-75% of the time depending on the night in question.
On days at home he's not as bad as this but we still have multiple meltdowns . He is generally happy at creche altho he doesn't sleep well there which probably contributes.

I know I'm giving into him by letting him eat on my knee and honestly sometimes the only thing that calms him is just me holding him.

My mother keeps saying I am spoiling him, he will be ruined he is too used to getting his own way etc, if he starts to cry walk away and don't baby him but my instinct tells me he needs attention and love from me to help him feel ok/calm him down .

Any thoughts or advice on how to get through toddler tantrums??

How old are they? ‘Toddler’ could mean 15 months or 3.5 years.

Opps should have written that ...he's 18 months

Also if anyone had any recommendations on parenting books I'm all ears.. there are so many out there hard to know where to start. I'm looking for loving and caring but boundary setting type stuff

Hiya, I'm a childminding assistant and currently doing a course in behaviour management, also a mum of a 1 year old and have experienced manyyyyy tantrums etc 🤣

I'm obsessed with this topic and have loads of books recommendations:

• How to talk so little kids will listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King
• No drama discipline and the Whole Brain Child by Daniel Seigel & Dr Tina Payne Bryson
• Playful Parenting by Lawrence J Cohen

These are my favourites, I've also got Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurkinka on my wishlist. I haven't read it yet so can't say for sure, but it's highly rated and may be a good one for you.

My first question would be what's his routine like and is it consistent whilst he's in the creche? Does he nap at the creche and how long for etc? I'm wondering if it gets yo this time of day and he's particularly tired maybe?

Next thing I would say, is you're not spoiling by giving him attention. I would set specific boundaries and stick to them though. So for example, I would say for dinner time the boundary is that he is no longer sitting on your lap for dinner. Explain this to him ahead of time so he knows and stick to your guns. He will cry and be upset and there is nothing wrong with comforting him! In fact, I would encourage that. If you want to chat in depth about it please dm me as I'm really interested in gentle parenting/discipline and could talk about it for hours! Happy to help more if I can!! X

Just ‘spoil’ him as you call it. Let him sit on your knee etc. Do ‘baby him’ - he is a baby after all.

I have 4 children and when they were that age i did whatever made life easier (within reason!). They ate dinner sitting on the couch watching cartoons, slept in my bed, etc. They are older now but haven’t turned out as delinquents despite me not being strict with them when they were very young.

Thank you both for your responses. I am a first time mum, trying to figure it out as I go along.

My instinct is to cuddle him, "spoil" him/respond to him. My mum n sister tell me I'm wrong I need to be more disciplined...I do worry if I don't listen to them he will turn out to be a delinquent so it's good to hear your experience supersleepybaby.

NatalieP92 thank you for the detailed response. I will check out those books . And I will pm you too later. Thanks.

I want to raise a happy confident child, but not a spoilt article (as we say in N.ireland) and just at the minute I don't know how to get the balance between boundaries/rules and a peaceful house as I se to be failing

The most important thing is that you're happy. If you're happy having him sit on your knee while you eat then that's fine! But if you do want to make changes, know that you can set loving boundaries in a kind and gentle way.

And you're not failing! Motherhood is hard, you're doing an amazing job 👏

It sounds like he is exhausted and needs his Mum. Give him what he needs after creche.

I agree with @TeenPlusCat – he's tired and needs time with you after creche. I'd plan those evenings to be very low-key, something very easy for tea (something-on-toast was our standard, adults can eat later if you want something more substantial), and time on mummy's lap as a priority. I would absolutely class that as giving your son what he needs, not spoiling.

For other sorts of tantrums, we don't give in – if we've said DD can't have another biscuit or that we need to leave the park and go home, we stick to that, regardless of tantrums – but we don't leave her to deal with her emotions by herself either. We'll cuddle her if she wants, and sympathise with what she's feeling. I think of it as being similar to what you'd do for an adult friend or relative upset enough to cry. You'd offer them a hug, a cup of tea, a listening ear, not walk away and tell you'll talk once they've calmed down.