3 year olds behaviour

[Silentnight87]

I'm really struggling with my 3 yo behaviour. She turned 3 in Jan, but she's never been one to follow instructions or listen.

I try to give options, I give countdowns, use timer, star charts. They never work. "It's time to brush your teeth, would you like the blue brush/red brush". I try to be firm but she doesn't work, I end up having to take something away and tantruming ensues. I always give a warning though, when I do.

It takes an hour plus to get her to get ready for school. She will point black refuse and run around. Yesterday was awful. She refused to get in the car, was running around on a side road, and then when I did manage to bundle her in she refused to sit in the car seat. It took 45 minutes. I didn't want to force her in, so in the end I just sat at the front and refused to let her push past me, to fiddle around in the front Eventually she realised she missed out on an activity and sat down. After we had a nice talk and went through what happened and dangers etc. She said she would do better, and so did I. But we have these talks all the time and nothing comes of it.

Every day it's a new thing. I'm losing my shit and don't know how I'll cope with the new one arrives. I dread spending any time with her at all as I just end up feeling so deflated and angry.

I'm now 7 months pregnant and finding it hard. I'm losing my temper more. I try to instill boundaries but what can I do when she runs off and hides or just ignores me.

I'm really struggling and feel like such a failure. Especially when she goes over to mil's house and "never does anything wrong, never screams etc"- always taken those comments as a bit barbed (yes there is previous history) and with a pinch of salt. But now I hate the fact I just can't control her. I would appreciate some sage advice from those who actually know what they're doing. I try to convince myself this is normal behaviour, but it's every single hour of each day.

She's at nursery 3 days and at mil's for one. So I do get a break. Husband works long hours, so isn't available and when he is he just tends to switch the TV on or bribes her with sweets....but when he's on the ball he is really good with her.

Help.

T.I.A

Firstly, don't be hard on yourself. They're always worse for you, you're her safe space. Plus, you're PG abs they often play up when you're in your last trimester.

It does sound as though you need some new strategies though. Have you read Toddler Taming? That has some really useful strategies that usually work if they're neurotypical. Unfortunately, neurodiverse children don't seem to respond to regular parenting tactics.

Could DH take her out for a morning or afternoon this weekend to give you a break?

My DD is a little younger, but I'm also at the point where #2 is arriving soon and running after her is getting seriously uncomfortable!

One thing that struck me was that it sounds like your standard consequence is to take something away. Depending on quite where she is developmentally, this either might not make much sense to her (what does playing with toy X have to do with not cleaning my teeth?) or might feel unfair to her (because toy X and teeth are ultimately unrelated).

Have you tried making the consequence directly linked to the behaviour you're trying to change? Sometimes this is easy, if you throw X again, I will take it away so it doesn't get broken; if you don't put on your shoes, we can't go to the park. Sometimes it takes a bit more creativity. For things like getting ready for school, I think I'd try turning it the other way, talk about what you'll have time to do if she gets ready quickly – oh, DD, let's see if we can get dressed/brush hair/clean teeth really quickly, then we'll have time to do [some activity she really likes]. Even if it gets that hour down to 45 or 50 minutes, that's still 10 or 15 minutes to colour together, or play with duplo, or whatever, and hopefully it can start to build a better pattern. If it still takes an hour, oh dear, we took too long to get dressed, no time to colour today –tomorrow we will be faster.

Have you tried demonstrating the consequences? For example, 'if you want to come with Mummy you need to get dressed or if you want up stay here by yourself that's also fine but Mummy is going.' Start walking towards door. Works for my mine but maybe not for everyone.

Thank you all for the suggestions.

I'll have a look at the book suggestion.

Apologies if I didn't explain myself properly.
So I try not to take away, it's a last resort out of sheer frustration. I do try an make the "punishment" more like a natural consequence- so no teeth done, then no fruit or chocolate. Don't get ready on time, then we miss out on mummy play time. But these rarely work. I've tried to follow a gentle approach but it just feels like I've failed and all I've done is allow her behaviour to continue. With her it's a case of if it doesn't happen, she doesn't miss out, as far as she's concerned anyway. Occasionally it's the complete opposite- I said we can make pancakes today, it obviously didn't happen, then she had a huge meltdown over not having pancakes later on. I just feel I can't win. I honestly want to cry most days.

She also has a star chart, a routine chart which she can colour in or a velcro version. I've just run out of ideas. I've tried to make it fun, I play games to get her dressed. I've read the book "how to talk so toddler will listen" or whatever it's called, but I find it will work once and that's it.

If I walk away, and say "mummy is going now" she will just use it as an excuse to run riot. I can't really leave her alone either as she will get into everywhere (makeup etc)

Sometimes she is lovely, don't get me wrong- but I can't deal with the daily two hour struggle to get her ready.

But thank you for those that have replied. I really appreciate it.

Ah, sorry, that wasn't very helpful advice then. I suppose at least if we're all suggesting things you've tried, you know it's not you missing something obvious.

If the promise of future playtime etc. just means it doesn't exist for her (except when does, of course, like the pancakes...), would it perhaps help to have the reward be very immediate and very tangible? I think it's supposed to be just as good to brush teeth before breakfast as after, so for example, cleaning teeth and then immediately having some fruit for breakfast. I would not be above doing teeth at the kitchen sink with the fruit sitting out in plain sight if that's what it takes. I'd also buy her absolute favourite fruits for a bit if possible, increase the incentive.

I wonder if the star chart has the same future reward problem? Unless she really likes the stars themselves, perhaps whatever she's working towards earning just doesn't really exist for her?

Do you get the sense there's something she particularly dislikes about getting dressed/cleaning teeth/etc., something she actually finds uncomfortable/unpleasant? (Needs a bit of time to work into the day, gets cold changing clothes, seams/tags bother her, toothpaste is too strong?) Or does it just seem like part of the general intense boundary testing/following her own agenda? I'm clutching at straws a bit, but if there's something specific that bothers her, at least it would give you something to work with.

I’m having similar three year old troubles…it’s so tough at times. I have found saying “you come and find me when you’re ready to get dressed” then going into the other room and sorting myself out quite often works well in a morning - it gives the instructions time to sink in and she will come through and say “I’m ready now!” after a bit. I also dress her whilst she’s looking out of the window and talk a lot about what we can see - complete distraction from the task at hand, and it gets it done quicker than making everything a choice, because I’ve found giving her choices is too overwhelming in the mornings for her sometimes and leads to more angst (“not want to wear that!!!”) - I let her have more involvement / autonomy in getting dressed on the weekends when we don’t have to be anywhere.

Also I sometimes keep a fruit bowl upstairs because sometimes in a morning I think she is ravenous and it leads to meltdowns whilst getting dressed. Piece of fruit first thing before tackling getting dressed and she’s in a much better mood.

I try and give her a “job” like, when I’m out of the shower I let her put on my moisturiser on my face - she likes doing that. Or if the toilet roll holder needs refilling she knows where to go to get the new one and so on. Or putting last nights clothes in the laundry basket.

Set up some toys on living room floor the night before so when you come down in a morning there’s something for her to get stuck into whilst you make breakfast. I try and keep it all positive and say things like “your (key worker) will be so excited to see you this morning. What might you do at nursery today?” etc and it seems to get her keen to put her shoes on. And if she’s kicking off not wanting to wear a coat i open the front door and let her feel the cold air / see the rain and generally that helps. It is really hit and miss though. Sometimes it all goes to shit and I feel like a terrible parent.

Thank you all for your thoughts. They've been really helpful and insightful. Made me well up! I think it's just exhausting, I'm exhausted and I feel like I've done everything I can think of, and just hit a mental road block. I'll definitely try these suggestions. I do feel like it is boundary pushing and the issues at night are likely separation anxiety related.

Thank you again. Love to you all x