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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

If your child was anxious about sleeping alone would you?

39 replies

binklebells · 30/12/2007 20:05

buy a smaller house?

I know that sounds ridiculous! We have a largish three story house. In recent months (basically since the MM incident) dd has become increasingly nervous about being left alone although she never has been even to the point that she is constantly freftul of whereabouts in the house we are.

She doesnt like to be in bed whilst we are downstairs. We have tried everything to reassure her but it generally ends up that one of us has to basically go to bed at the same time as her or be upstairs.

If the stair creaks she screams hysterically that we are going to go down and leave her, it is extremely draining.

To the point where I think it would be easier if we had a smaller house so she didnt feel as far away. What can we do to reassure her? We have covered all the usual approaches and are exhausted by her neurosis!

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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BitTiredNow · 30/12/2007 20:54

if she is like this in other situations, then it isn't the house. My first question is always, what would you advise a friend to do in this situation? Can you move her room before you take the big step of moving house?

juuule · 30/12/2007 20:55

It's not a manipulation thing if she is afraid.

MeMySonAndI · 30/12/2007 20:55

Besides, there's no guarantee whatsoever that the thing would stop if you moved house.

Original poster

binklebells · 30/12/2007 20:56

For example, she is in her room now but keeps coming out to check where I am - I am sat in my bedroom across the landing from her and ave been since 7 - I know if I make a move downstairs she will get upset.

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Original poster

binklebells · 30/12/2007 20:59

I know, it is upsetting for all of us, nobody wants her to be afraid. The worse thing is feeling that we cant put it right because we havent caused it IYSWIM?

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lennygirl · 30/12/2007 21:00

Message withdrawn

juuule · 30/12/2007 21:01

But you can help her to overcome it. Take her downstairs with you and let her settle downstairs. Let her lie on the settee or something so that she can relax and go to sleep. It sounds as though she could need a lot of reassurance for a while.

Original poster

binklebells · 30/12/2007 21:05

I have talked to her about it and she just says she is worried that we are going to leave her. No amount of reassurances will convince her otherwise. She seems to have got herself into this thought process that she cant trust us and if she doesnt constantly monitor us then at the first opportunity we will leg it! That hurts and is upsetting for us as we cant win.

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blueshoes · 30/12/2007 21:18

My dd's 4.3 pet phrase right now is "I don't want to be all by myself" and has been for months now. I thought rightly or wrongly that her clinginess was linked to ds 1.3 being mobile and now walking.

Well, she is what she is (sigh). She is now lying on my lap on the sofa and has fallen asleep. I will carry her to bed and then co-sleep for the rest of the night. In the morning, if she finds herself alone in the bed, she will let out a loud wail and come and look for us. No, she does not want to be alone.

Original poster

binklebells · 30/12/2007 21:20

Yes, always wake up with dd between us early morning, which I dont mind at all, its the going to bed which is a painful struggle.

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Lcy · 30/12/2007 21:24

Binklebells - i think this is a natural stage in a childs development and now you know what she is really worried about you are one step a head than when you started this thread. Has she just started school or had any other big changes recently?

The problem with anxiety is that if you avoid it (e.g. move house) it gets worse because the child never learns that her fears are not real (e.g. you will leg it).

Lots of hugs and cuddles during the day. Try to establish a bedtime routine and make it as relaxing as possible.

Maybe try a gradual exposure to sleeping by herself - draw a ladder with the goal of sleeping alone at the top and then small steps to getting to that goal on each rung (e.g. maybe starting with you staying with her till she falls asleep, then sitting on the stairs, then standing at the bottom of the stairs etc...). She could get a sticker for moving up each rung and loads of praise and hopefully get the message that you are not going anywhere.

Moving up each rung might be stressful for her so it might be worth developing some relaxation techniques - there are some lovely books that have ideas about helping children relax (e.g. think good feel good).

You will also probably be able to find some nice childrens books on amazon about feeling worried, and sleeping in your own bed that you could read with her.

Just ideas - hope it helps

juuule · 30/12/2007 21:26

True what lcy says. However, I wouldn't make a deal of it with stickers and things. I think blueshoes approach is much more relaxed and gentle.

lennygirl · 30/12/2007 21:27

Message withdrawn

Original poster

binklebells · 30/12/2007 21:29

Thanks Lcy, appreciate all those suggestions. I have got her a couple of books about being worried and scared from Amazon which she took an interest in at the time. I suspect we need to put more emphasis back on her bedtime routine as we have let her take the lead to some extent to keep the peace but probably a clear routine may actually be what she needs to re-establish security - makes sense now that I think of it that way.

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