3 year old at new nursery - advice needed on whether to encourage/bother with playdates or not

[lisalisa]

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I think I said this in another thread but at this age what determines the invites seems to be more about who the mums know than who the children play with. This will change as children pick their own friends in time not who their mums want them to play with. I have had a couple of dd's pals to play but I notice not many mums do this. My dd started in the nursery last january so with do 18 months before going up to reception. I have noticed her move from being on the periphery to being more in so to speak as she gets older - age is so important at this stage - when she was 3 the 4 yo's treated her differently imho and she in turn will probably do the same.

I'd give it a go and maybe ask her teacher for advice on who to invite. TBH my DD is totally unreliable when it comes to saying who her friends are, i was staggered to receive an invitation for dD to play at one little girl's house as all DD does is complain about this girl 9she kicks, snatches etc.) but the other mother claimed that her DD "adores" mine. Anyway date was a success...

BTW, my DD is a similar age to yours and we don't have the parents round too. That's got so much stress potential!

Oh sorry, in answer to your question I would be inclined to let things develop naturally and maybe encourage a few playdates after Easter.

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I suppose what I would do is keep friendly with the other mums and watch the situation. My dd had known maybe 2 girls before she started nursery and used to say they were her best friends. However, I never used to see them play together or even say hello . Then another mum told me my dd was her dd's bf. When I asked my dd she said Who??. I really only have the children over for tea after school without parent(s) and have maybe done this 4 times over the past year but as I have said not many mums do this at the nursery my dd attends so I am a little odd

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Hi LisaLisa,
I can't help with your question, as my DD is a bit too young for playdates. But the behaviour of the mum at your last playdate was totally unacceptable. I'm not surprised you're angry. I would have been too, in fact I'm angry on your behalf; and no I don't think you're over reacting.

I think the mother of your dd's classmate was wrong to invite another child over in the way she did and I would have been cross too. I don't think at this age I would invite more than 1 at the time in case 1 felt excluded.

Hi, I think the mother was out of order to do that too and I would have felt bad if my son had been left on his own. Regarding playdates, I would probably try and organise a couple but I dont know how successful mine have been in reality! I always seem to invite who I 'assume' my little boy likes, then when I tell him they are coming he says 'they pushed me over'. I did one at halloween and afterwards they barely spoke to each other. Actually my little boy ran in to nursery to see the guest who ignored him completely.

FWIW I'd not bother with playdates for a 3 year old, unless your dd begged you to invite so and so back. I'd let things develop naturally and IMO friendships and cliques forged between 3 year olds and their parents have good chances of breaking up anyway,so in your shoes I wouldn't see anthing as permanent.

Are the children having many parties? IME by reception year, parties feature a great deal and this is an ideal opportunity to see who's who and what's what(children and parents), see how your dd is fitting in and make playdates accordingly. Also, as you have older children at the school, some of their families may have younger children so you can do double playdates.

I had exactly these worries myself a year ago. My Ds1 went to a day care nursery from the age of 1 and made good friends easily. However, because of the days I worked, it wasn't logistically possible to send him to the preschool attached to the school until his last year before starting Reception in September. He had similar problems breaking into the already established "cliques" and I was quite concerned about him starting school. Everybody reassured me that when they are all together every day all day things are different and that they will make friends, and I have to say to a large extent this is true. Ds1 gets on well with most of his classmates, but has now made friends with some boys in Year 1 in the playground (which is not that surprising as he is a September birthday and the oldest in his year). So what I am trying to say is that I think it will all shake out in the end and there are a lot of differences between nursery and school, plus there will be other children at school who your dd might get to know.

The other thing is how much your dd minds about it herself. Although my Ds1 played alone at preschool for a lot of the year he was there, he was really very happy and equally now is happy with the friends in year 1, rather than reception. I think sometimes as parents we worry too much and foresee problems which are not there for the child.

Lisalisa - I've done a similar thing - moved DD then age 3yr 7months from a nursery where she had firmly established playmates, to another where she's had to start again although she did and still does have DD2 (then 20 months) as company.

There's a clique of little girls at this nursery too, but slowly over the 3 and a half months she's been there, I've noticed that she's managed to ingratiate herself...tbh the reason I didn't engage in playdates was because I was certain I would've moved her back to her old nursery if she was truly unhappy.

Like your DD, mine is a fairly outoing friendly child and I think this situation, although painful for me, will only serve her better at school.

Her birthday party is in early Jan, and she's already identified more friends to invite from new nursery than the previous one, so I see that as a good sign.

My advice would be to take your lead off your DD -if she's not bothered, then she's obviously adapting well.

FWIW the mother of the child she went to play with was incredibly insensitive and I would've been white with anger.....

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