4 year old behaviour - lashing out

[awilson90]

Hello

We really struggle with my 4 year old daughters behaviour. She goes from happy and excited to angry and mean within seconds. Shes absolutely fine at nursery and grandparents but as soon as shes home to me and husband then the awful streak comes out. Feels like shes never happy despite constant attention. Me and husband never get a minute to talk as she is so demanding and hates not having all the focus on her. She only ever really lashes out at me physically - hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, threatening to bite etc. i feel like a failure and that i must be doing something wrong as a mum. Im absolutely done in, completely exhausted. We have tried health visitors but no use. It feels like every day is an absolute misery.

Has anyone else gone through this and can share any tips/strategies for coping with it all and also what to do to stop this physical lashing out at me?

Thanks x

Age 4 is hard. It was way worse than 'the terrible twos', it is constantly a test of boundaries. We try and deal with it by acknowledging feelings, talking about what could be done differently and how we can make it better. So a conversation for hitting someone would go:

What made you hit X? "I don't know"
What were you feeling? "Sad/angry/upset"
Why did you feel that way? "I wanted X and X said no"
What could we have done differently? "I don't know"
Sometimes we get it later or another day but we don't get things when we hit people, could we have waited and asked nicely another time? "Yes/I don't know"
How can we make it better if we hurt someone? "Say sorry and give them a hug" (DD goes off and does this)

Really challenging and I'd encourage games and conversations surrounding feelings if you can. If you have to then go back to basics with books like 'hands are not for hitting' and 'feet are not for kicking', etc. My DD has got better but it was horrendous when school started.

Has she just started nursery? Is she likely to be tired when you pick her up? I don't push too hard with conversations or punishments when DD is overly tired but do talk about what is and isn't acceptable and leave it to that.

I have this with my son, also aged 4. No advice but lots of empathy. We are really struggling, every day feels like a battle and it is taking its toll. Was going to start a thread on it but tbh I'm not sure people can really say to help. We've tried talking through feelings, zero tolerance, consequences, be kind etc...nothing works. It's really worrying me. Just had a text from a mum friend who regretfully told me her DD no longer wants to play with my DS because he's mean. I really am at my wits end! Never had this with DD who's now 6 so we are feeling helpless...